Tony Black: Paying For It

Bollocks. If there were demons, they ran the show.

I sparked up a Marlboro red top, as near to a crack pipe as you can buy over the counter, a proper lung-bleeder. I got the Docs loosened off, kicked them on to the floor. I balanced a heavy smoked-glass ashtray on my chest and flicked away at the grey as it mounted on the tab’s end.

Jesus, did I really think I had a chance of tracking down who’d done in Col’s boy? I tried to shut it out, but a quote, Wilde I think, went round and round in my mind: ‘Experience is the name a man gives to his mistakes.’

I had plenty of experience. It flooded back to me now, thick and fast.

I’d held down a top job. Handled the big stories. Had been a name.

‘When does this Dury sleep?’ I’d overheard the paper’s chairman say to the editor once. Mr Bacon, or Rasher, as I called the boss, appeared underwhelmed — as he always did. It made no odds to me, though, because my self-destruct switch had already been flipped. For some of us, it’s never far out of reach.

I had been assigned to a press call at the new parliament building, the half-a-billion-pound fiasco. Some junior government bod stepped forward to talk about immigration, as the whole country became gripped by rabid nationalism. Living in fear of Johnnie Foreigner flooding through the Channel tunnel to steal our jobs. The tweedy arse-wipe Alisdair Cardownie, Assistant Minister for Immigration, jumped right on the vibe of hatred. Talking tough on an emotive issue to boost his profile. I’d seen it a million times before. Truth told, I cared less about the ramblings of another slack-jowled, in-bred son of privilege.

It felt cold out and I fought off a killer hangover: a real shades on a grey day scenario. My snapper, Ronnie, bought me a quarter of Black Bush to steady my nerves, said, ‘Here he comes, you set, Gus?’

I nodded. Tanned most of the bottle in one.

The chauffeur pulled up and some overpaid flunkey ran out like a doorman at Harrods who’s just spotted Elton John getting out the back of a Bentley.

‘Holy shit! Did you see that?’ I said.

‘Steady,’ said Ronnie. He hunkered down and started firing off some shots.

I approached with my Dictaphone outstretched. ‘Minister, could I ask a few questions?’

Banal looks, pointed in my direction.

‘Minister, if you don’t mind?’ I kept it polite, but frustration brewed. I mean, his lot had called us here, it wasn’t for me to do the running. I stepped up a gear, leaned forward. ‘If you don’t mind, Minister, I’d just like to ask about your plans to close down the people smugglers?’

I felt an arm on my chest. Another, with an open palm on the end, thrust in my face. ‘No interviews,’ said the flunkey. I couldn’t see the flunkey’s face, only the junior minister’s hiding behind a group of cling-ons. He wore a satisfied, smug, you-can’t-touch-me look I’d seen before.

‘ What?’ I said.

‘No interviews,’ repeated the flunkey.

‘What do you mean no interviews? It’s a press call for Chrissake!’ I felt close to losing it, big time. And then this little mollycoddled arse-wipe of a minister got my goat. He led it out before me on a bit of rope and kicked it in the bollocks. In the next second he clicked his fingers like Brando in The Freshman and a shower of suited-up grunts manhandled me like crowd controllers.

‘Get your fucking hands off me,’ I shouted.

I felt the blood start to pump inside my head. I saw Ronnie covering his eyes like he didn’t want to look, and then, something clicked. My throat went dry… and I let out a haymaker right.

‘Oh God!’ I heard Ronnie scream.

My punch caught no one but threw me off balance so much that I lunged forward, head first chasing its grand arc. Suddenly the minister loomed before me and, in no time at all, my brow connected cleanly with his nose.

It was the kind of diving header that might have graced the dying moments of a European Cup final. I must have looked fearless. Like some mad pogoing skin out on the lash. But it was totally unintentional.

‘My nose, my nose,’ the minister whined.

People gathered around, said:

‘Tip back your head.’

‘Take this handkerchief.’

‘Put a key down his back.’

Ronnie just about cried. ‘What have you done, Gus?’ he said.

‘It was just a tap. A tap, that’s all it was,’ I said.

I couldn’t believe the fuss. Then the cuffs came out, and I felt the heat of a thousand camera flashes go off.

I made all the evening news broadcasts. A career first. And last. Rasher had my desk cleared while I sat in a cell. I’d left the office for the last time. I had no plans to return.

I stubbed the Marlboro. It lay flat in the ashtray, stray insect legs of tobacco squashed under it. I got to my feet and searched the room.

‘Paper. Where is it?’ I said.

I pulled open a few drawers. Hissed at a Gideon Bible, then: ‘Bingo!’

Hardly the Dorchester on the heading but, never mind, it would have to do. I began to compose a letter to Debs. If she was gonna send me any more mail from her lawyer, she’d better have some facts.

I awoke with a start, loud Irish curses filled the air all around me. I heard a thud, then another. For a moment I thought I’d returned to my childhood, my father after me with his razor strop, then reality flooded in.

‘It’s fucked entirely, man, have ye not the sense God gave ye?’ Milo’s voice berated all hell out of somebody. I reached for my 501s. They felt soft, smooth as velvet after a thousand visits to the laundrette. I rushed in with my big toe and caught a hole in the knee, stretched a tear near halfway down the leg, said, ‘Christ on a bike!’ This was all I needed; I’d a busy day ahead.

When I looked down the hallway I saw straight into Milo’s little world. ‘Can I get you a hammer?’ I said.

‘Ah, Mr Dury, it’s your bold self.’ His face lit up like a Chinese lantern. ‘And how are we this grand morning?’

‘I’d be better for a bit of sleep, to tell you the truth.’

‘Sleep, bollocks. A youngster like ye should be up and about, availing yourself of all the wonders of this fine morn.’

Another thud sounded behind him, Milo turned back towards the source of it. ‘Walloping’s not going to mend the thing! Would ye ever fecking listen?’ He shook his head, turned back to me, raised eyes aloft, said, ‘Eejit.’

‘Trouble?’

‘Telly’s on the blink. Yon Russki thinks kicking the shite out of it’s the answer — I tell you, it’s Stalingrad all over!’

I laughed and gave Milo an understanding nod, then turned back to my room. As I closed the door I heard him cheer. I’m sure Anne Robinson blasted a contestant on The Weakest Link for all of a millisecond, before banging on the TV resumed.

I mouthed, ‘Nut house,’ and looked to the heavens.

Got booted and suited. Grabbed my jacket. Checked the pocket — I still had some holding-folding. Col had seen me right so far but I would need to tap some more expenses soon.

On the way out Milo roared like Doran’s ass. I heard him as I hit the street and pulled up my collar. It felt cold enough to grate cheese on my pods. Shit, it was Edinburgh, but nice to be out as Kelly Jones says.

Cars clogged up the crossroads at the top of Easter Road. I choked on the fumes from the school-run mums in their Stockbridge tractors. It was too early a start for me. I usually miss all this mayhem. The days when I needed to be at a desk by nine sharp were long gone.

I watched the pinstriped yuppies power walking towards fifty-grand-a-year, superannuation and medical benefits — would need to come with a crate load of Prozac to get me interested. The big thing with the suits this season appeared to be massive collars and cuffs. Real Harry Hill jobs. They made me laugh, the bloody comedians.