Scott Sherman - Third You Die

Focus, Kevin, focus.

“One thing that came up a few times was the possibility that Brent went into hustling full time. Or hooked up with a sugar daddy. Is that something you could look into?”

“Dear boy, if that boy’s turning tricks or being kept in this city, I’ll find him. Tell me everything you know about him.”

It was depressing how little time it took to do that.

“I’ll make some calls,” Mrs. Cherry promised, “and let you know the moment I find out something.”

“Thanks,” I said.

“No,” she responded, “thank you. For caring enough to look for your friend. For giving me the chance to help you find this lost boy. And for reminding me why I always believed in you.”

I could have stayed in Mrs. Cherry’s apartment for the rest of the day. I was tired and she was so welcoming. It had been a long day.

But it was about to get longer.

My phone rang.

“Hey, babe.” It was Tony. His voice was hushed. He must have been at his desk.

“Hi, honey.”

Mrs. Cherry gave me a saucy wink. “The cop?” she mouthed silently.

I nodded, and she gave me an approving thumbs up. She might have arranged paid assignations for a living, but she also recognized the value of a solid primary relationship. She was glad to hear Tony and I were still together.

“I need a favor,” he asked.

“What’s that?”

“Can you pick up Rafi from aftercare? I was going to grab him on the way to your place, but I’m stuck. They just brought in a suspect I need to interview.”

“Sure,” I said. “But, can I do that?”

“I don’t know,” Tony asked, sounding a little perplexed. “ Can you?”

“No, I mean will they let me?” I couldn’t imagine the staff at Rafi’s after-school program would allow someone they didn’t know to just take him.

“Of course they’ll let you,” Tony said. “I listed you on his paperwork at the beginning of the year as an authorized guardian.”

“You did? ”

“Why wouldn’t I? You’ve got permission to pick him up, you’re an emergency contact, and you can call at any time to see how he’s doing.” Tony’s voice had a “well, duh” quality to it, as if I should have assumed he’d be comfortable giving me that much access to, and responsibility for, his kid.

Wow. I wondered how Tony classified me on the form. As a family member? A friend? Partner?

I figured I’d better not push it. It was enough he trusted me with his son’s welfare. I was touched he’d thought to include me when filling out those forms. It made me feel like he planned on sticking around.

“Well, then, sure,” I said. “I’ll be glad to get the Rafster.” I knew where the school was, as Tony and I had brought him there together, but I hadn’t gone in before.

“Great. Thanks, babe. I’ll be home around eight. You don’t mind hanging out with him till then?”

“You kidding? He’s my second-favorite Rinaldi. Except for when you’re cranky. Then, he’s my first-favorite.”

“I’ll call his school and let them know you’re coming. Love you,” Tony said, whispering the last two words.

“Love you, too,” I answered, hanging up.

Mrs. Cherry was smiling with an unabashed mixture of pride and delight. “I couldn’t help but overhear. Although I really had to strain to catch his part of the conversation, mind you.” She was obviously not embarrassed by her eavesdropping.

“You two are parenting together?”

“Not exactly.” I explained how things had been working. By the time I’d finished, her grin had decreased by half.

“It’s not ideal,” she said, after hearing how I had to sleep in the living room and pretend to be Tony’s “roommate” when Rafi came over, “but it’s a start. More than a start. A man like Tony, though.. it’s going to take time.”

I grimaced. “Tell me something I don’t know.”

Mrs. Cherry was up for the challenge. “I still have a penis.” She watched for my reaction.

Whoa. Not expecting that. I should have been more specific with my question.

I tried to keep my face as neutral as possible.

“Okay,” I said. “That was something I didn’t know.” I loved Mrs. Cherry too much to add the snarky It was also something I didn’t want to know.

“It’s not something I ever talk about…” she began.

I can see why, I thought, still with the snark.

“… But I want you to understand there are things that, even if we want to, are very hard to let go. For me, it’s this ridiculous… appendage. Every time I see it, it’s a painful reminder for me of the mistake God made when I was born. I really wish it were gone.

“For two years, the doctors and counselors have been telling me I’m medically and psychologically prepared to have it removed. But I wasn’t quite ready to part with it.

“For Tony, it’s his dream of a ‘normal life’ he can’t let go of. One with a wife, a child, and a picket fence. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. Just like my genitalia doesn’t make me any less of a woman. It just means that even when you want to change, when you want to let go, it’s hard.”

I wasn’t sure the analogy completely worked for me, but I nodded anyway.

“Is he worth waiting for?” she asked me.

“For now,” I answered honestly. “But I don’t want to live… half a life with him. You know what I mean?”

She looked down at her lap. “More than you know, darling.”

“Thank you,” I said. “For sharing that. I know it’s very personal.”

“You’re right. It is. And I don’t tell many people. But it was the best example I had to help you understand that Tony’s… reluctance doesn’t mean he doesn’t want you. Or that he wants what he used to want, either. Any more than I want this… thing between my legs.

“You see, there’s this… in-between space when we exchange one dream for another, where we can’t commit to either. We know that moving backward would be terrible, but moving forward is even scarier. It’s the muddle in the middle that’s the worst part.”

Was that where things stood between me and Tony? The muddle in the middle? It sounded right.

“But it doesn’t last forever,” Mrs. Cherry said. “In three weeks and two days, I have an appointment for the surgery. It took a while, but I’m ready, Kevin. I’m ready to let go of the past.”

“That’s great,” I said, truly happy for her.

“I think so, too.” She gave a girlish smile. “And if I can find the-pardon the expression-balls to have my cock cut off, darling, I certainly think Tony should be able to come out of the closet for a prize like you.”

For what seemed like the hundredth time that day, I couldn’t help but agree with her.

“Kebbin!” Rafi screamed, in an ear-piercing peal of joy. “You nebber picked me up before!” He flung himself at me, wrapping his arms around my waist and nearly knocking me off my feet.

“Let me guess,” his teacher said, “you two have met before.” She was an uncommonly attractive brunette in her mid-twenties, I’d guess. She had a great body on her, too, which she seemed to be hiding underneath a particularly unflattering and bulky sweater. I wondered how many dads suddenly found themselves uncharacteristically helpful, offering to pick up their kids from her classroom.

Then I thought one of them might be Tony and felt a little queasy.

I shook her hand and introduced myself. The class was seated in a circle in the brightly decorated room. She had been reading them Where the Wild Things Are when I’d walked in. It was a book I’d read to Rafi about a hundred and twenty times myself.

“I’m Max,” he roared, letting go of me to make monster hands and bare his tiny teeth. “Feah my tewwible fuwy!”