Ben Rehder - Bone Dry

“I’d love to,” the woman said in the same sexy voice. “I find guns very…exciting.” She stepped closer and lightly touched the barrel of Rodney’s twelve-gauge. “That’s a very nice gun you have there, Rodney.”

Rodney visibly gulped. What was going on here? Had someone set this up as a joke? This couldn’t possibly be happening. Rodney stole a nervous glance in the direction of his house, imagining the heat of his wife’s glare from five hundred yards away. “Why, thank you,” Rodney croaked. “I’d be happy to show you a thing or two. I need to grab a little more ammo, so why don’t we walk over to my truck?” Actually, Rodney had plenty of shells in his hunting vest. He just wanted to continue this conversation over by his Chevy, tucked in the privacy of the trees.

As they walked, Rodney noticed the hiking boots the woman was wearing, and the way they brought out the fine lines of her sculpted calf muscles. “You sure are lucky to own a ranch,” she said. “You do a lot of hunting out here?”

“Oh, yeah, all the time. Shot a twelve-point buck yesterday,” Rodney lied. “Gonna mount him for sure.”

The woman said, “Do you mount a lot of things, Rodney?”

Rodney’s face flushed and he began to feel a little dizzy. He tried to answer, but only managed a few stutters. The woman looped her arm in his and walked beside him. She leaned and whispered in his ear: “Cat got your tongue?”

Rodney could feel her warm breath on his neck, and desperately wished he could play this game as well as she did. He wanted to think of something clever to say, but was stumped. He managed to blurt, “Ever shot a gun before, Inga?”

“Nope, I’m a virgin.” Another suggestive smile.

By now, Rodney was waiting for Allen Funt to step from the brush and tell him he was on Candid Camera. “It’s really simple,” he said. He showed the woman how to load the shotgun, the proper way to hold it, and where the safety catch was. “The main thing is, never aim it at anything you don’t intend to shoot.” He handed her the weapon.

“Ooh, this feels nice.”

“Great,” Rodney said. “Let’s see if Honeybee can scare us up some quail.”

“That would be really fun, Rodney. But first, let me try a few practice shots.” Suddenly, the woman turned, shouldered the shotgun, and aimed at Rodney’s one-year-old pickup. Before Rodney could react, the woman fired.

The first shot tore through the front grille and loosed the contents of the radiator.

The second shot turned the windshield into a network of cracks with a gaping hole in the center.

The last shot punctured the right front tire. The air whooshed out and the truck bowed like a circus elephant on one knee.

Rodney began to whimper softly.

Honeybee cavorted around the woman with glee.

The woman turned to Rodney and said, “Well, look at that. I think I’ve already got the hang of it.”

“You’re about the most stupidest hillbilly I ever met, you know that, Billy Don?” The men were back in Red’s truck, driving over to Emmett Slaton’s house. Red felt certain they’d both get fired this time. They had wasted a great deal of time chopping cedar on the wrong ranch, and now they had to come clean with their boss.

Over on the passenger’s side, Billy Don was pouting. “It wasn’t my fault, Red. All I done was foller the map, and it was wrong.”

“The map, huh?”

“You saw it.”

“But you’re the one who drew the freakin’ map!”

“Oh yeah.”

“I have to tell ya, I’m impressed, though. I didn’t even know you could operate a pencil without an owner’s manual.”

Billy Don gave Red a harsh glare-kind of a cross-eyed grimace that appeared when he was particularly angry-and Red knew he was walking on thin ice. Billy Don was a three-hundred-pound brute, and Red decided he’d better ease up.

“Well, I’ll see what I can do about keeping our jobs. Just leave the talkin’ to me.”

As Red turned into the gate at Emmett Slaton’s ranch, a late-model Lincoln coming the other way barreled through beside him, blasting its horn. Red caught a glimpse of the driver as it passed by. “Hell’s bells, what’s wrong with that guy?” He glanced in the rearview mirror. “You know, that looked like that Eye-talian who tried to hire us last week.”

“Wonder if his offer is still good?” Billy Don whimpered.

Red hissed: “You can go to work for a wop if you want, Billy Don, but not me. Besides, somethin’ didn’t feel right.”

The man had called Red on the phone, offering an employment deal that included complicated incentives and escalating per-acre commissions. You could make a coupla g’s a week if you work hard enough, the man had said. Red wasn’t sure what a “g” was, but he had pulled a few fast ones in his time and he thought it sounded like a scam. He said thanks but no thanks, he was sticking with Slaton.

Red parked the truck and the Doberman bounded off the porch, howling at the visitors.

“Hey there, Patton,” Red said, and the dog wagged its docked tail. “Look what we got here.” Red pulled a piece of beef jerky from his pocket and Patton gently took it from his hand. “You’re just a big ol’ pansy, ain’t ya? Where’s your daddy at?”

As if he understood, the dog ran to the front door and barked.

Emmett Slaton opened the door and ushered the men into his den. “What brings you out here this time of day, boys? You done with the Leaning X already?”

Red held his hat in his hand and told the full story, waiting for Slaton to get angry, tell them they were both idiots. But Slaton didn’t get mad, and actually seemed distracted, as if he were hardly listening.

When Red was finished, Slaton simply nodded. Then he pulled a large handgun out of a drawer and laid it on his desk. “Either of you ever shot a forty-five? I want to sight this in, but my eyes ain’t quite what they used to be.”

Red was startled. “What about the Leaning X, sir? Ain’t you gonna fire us?”

“Aw, hell, son, I would never fire you for that. Besides, you wasted your time, not mine. Now help me sight this gun in.”

Red stared down at the weapon. “Somethin’ got you worried, Mr. Slaton?”

The rancher shrugged. “Aw, not really, son. But a man can’t be too careful these days.”

Sunday evening, a cold front moved southward into Blanco County, bringing half an inch of much-needed rain, harsh winds, and a twenty-degree drop in temperature. John Marlin was glad to see it. The first week of deer season was always his busiest, and the nasty weather would help put a damper on poaching activities around the county.

He received only one call that evening. Just after sundown, a hunter on a day lease had struck an axis deer with his truck. The landowner was furious, claiming the hunter owed him two thousand dollars for the imported exotic buck. The hunter didn’t see it that way, and wanted the landowner to pay for the damages to his Chevy. Marlin knew the law, and sided with neither of them.

Over the phone, he told them the hunter wasn’t liable for the cost of the deer and the landowner wasn’t liable for the damages to the truck. They each had to take their own lumps. That seemed to satisfy them both, and Marlin hung up, grateful he didn’t have to brave the weather for something so petty.

The rain was long gone by Monday morning, but things were still slow-no calls from the sheriff’s dispatcher-so Marlin met Phil Colby for breakfast at a small cafe attached to the bowling alley in Blanco. He was also expecting to see Rodney Bauer, who had called Marlin’s home number early that morning. Bauer wouldn’t specify why he wanted to see Marlin, but said it had something to do with an odd incident that happened while he was quail-hunting yesterday.