William Kienzle - Masquerade

The priest had advised her to become a nun to do penance for her sin-a completely negative motivation. But seriously considering the vocation for the first time, she found herself more and more naturally called to it.

There was one special nun who had taught Marie in that particularly difficult senior year, to whom she felt very close. They talked frequently now and at great length. Alone among all the Sisters who had taught her, Sister Marian Joseph, IHM, had seen beneath and beyond the “wildness” that was so natural to Marie, the especial qualities, the potential for an intense spiritual life. Sister Marian Joseph deeply believed that Marie would make an excellent religious. In fact, Sister was convinced that if Marie did not become a nun, she would have completely missed her genuine life’s vehicle.

In one of their final conversations before Marie graduated, Sister Marian Joseph said, “Marie, this is the perfect time for you to enter. There’s a new breed postulant now who thinks, evaluates, and exercises more common sense than we dared to. And you’d fit right in.”

“New breed? I’m not sure. .”

“Let me put it this way, Marie. When we entered, we wanted-most of us desperately wanted-to become nuns so badly, we’d do anything we were told or expected to do to reach the goal. So some odd things-odd now in retrospect-happened.”

“Odd?”

“I can remember, though it was a long time ago, lots of things that happened in the mother house in Monroe that were weird-by today’s lights.”

“Such as?”

“Oh, in the refectory-the dining hall-we had ‘virtue boxes.’”

“Huh? Boxes with virtues in them?”

“I told you this was odd. No, boxes that held small pieces of paper on which were written virtuous deeds or actions. When you entered the refectory, you took one of the slips from the box and carried out whatever virtuous action was written on it.”

“I still don’t get it.”

“Oh, for instance, you might pull out a slip that said, ‘Abstain from meat during this meal.’”

“And you wouldn’t eat meat? But what if that were the only main course?”

“Then you went hungry-or ate a lot of potatoes. But we were young and some of us were mischievous-not unlike yourself, Marie. I remember one time some of us ‘loaded’ the virtue boxes so that all the slips read, ‘Take your supper on the floor.’”

Marie began to giggle. “And the refectory was filled with nuns sitting on the floor, eating?”

Sister Marian laughed at the memory. “Then we had responsibilities-we called them ‘charges.’ One time my charge was to clean the lower cloister with its tile floor and brick walls. And I was cleaning it, sweeping the floor, when an older nun was passing through. She took the broom from me and said, ‘Why are you sweeping it that way? You must sweep it this way.’ And so, without another word, I did it her way.

“I wanted to be a nun so badly that I didn’t want to make waves. It was easier, a more direct route to becoming a professed sister, to bury your intelligence, your common sense and go along than to challenge the system. And if you stepped out of line, exercised your own personality, you were likely to hear from a superior, ‘Did you come to join the convent or to change it?’

“Marie, we’re right on the verge of the Second Vatican Council. I feel certain there will be radical changes. I can’t foretell what they’ll be, but they’re coming. The Sisters of today and tomorrow are in the best position to react to these changes. I’ve watched you carefully, Marie. You are perfect for the changing religious life. That’s why I was so delighted when you came to me to talk about it.”

This was what she wanted to hear. Not the negative denunciation in the confessional, but the positive recognition and motivation from a nun she respected.

So Marie made application to the Sisters, Servants of the Immaculate Heart of Mary. She mentioned to neither Sister Marian Joseph nor the screening board in Monroe the tragedy of her abortion. The hearty and undiluted recommendation of Sister Marian Joseph, a Sister well respected in the community, won Marie admission as a postulant.

She found convent life much as Sister Marian had described it, except for community life. No one could have adequately described that. It had to be experienced. As dear and complete as had been her friendship with Alice, that was now only a most pleasant memory. Her religious Sisters became her real sisters.

She went through her postulancy, her novitiate, took her interim vows, then final vows. Then came the various “missions,” one of which was to Marygrove, where she and Sister Janet, whom she had known at the mother house, were again classmates.

Sister Marian Joseph also proved to be a prophet. Yet even she could not have foreseen all the accomplishments of Vatican II. But she was correct in assuming the Council would shake things up in a virtually unprecedented way. And, of all groups in the Catholic Church, nuns were foremost in studying and making practical the documents of the Council. No sooner did the bishops assembled in Rome publish a document than it was devoured by the Sisters. And among the forefront of these was Sister Mary Ambrose, the former Marie Monahan. Mary Ambrose was the religious name Marie had chosen. However, a few years later and as one result of the Council, many of the nuns reverted to their original names. By the time she had entered the religious education field and written her book, she long had been known as Sister Marie Monahan, IHM.

After the considerable success of Behind the Veil, Marie received the first of a series of invitations to sign with P.G. Press. She was tempted neither by the promises of significantly more money nor wider exposure to readers. The mystery novel was an avocation to her. She was immensely pleased and proud of being a published author, but she had no inclination to capitalize on every potential gain. Besides, from the outset, the Reverend Krieg’s importunate overtures struck her as phony. And a little research into P.G.’s backlist put the proof to that impression. She had no intention whatever of writing the sort of book P.G. published.

From time to time, though less and less frequently as the years passed, she would relive the abortion. Whenever it came to mind, always unbidden, she would wince and reexperience her grief that it had ever happened, but also the guilt that would never completely leave her at peace despite having been absolved.

At least no one else-with the exception of Alice, Marie’s family, and those close to the investigation-knew about it.

Or so she thought until the Reverend Krieg made her the offer he was sure she could not refuse. After her initial shock, she wondered how Krieg had ever unearthed her secret. She never learned that one of Krieg’s private investigators, while talking with her former classmates, tripped upon the rumors that had circulated about what happened that night. Rumors begun by Cassidy’s bragging. Armed with that information, the operator checked a number of possibilities, including the possibility of pregnancy, and a subsequent adoption or abortion. Police records, for which the operator paid a nominal sum, revealed the abortion. Krieg had his weapon.

When Marie recovered from the shock of this discovery, she was as furious as she had been when Bucko Cassidy had raped her. But it was an impotent fury that she directed at Krieg. There was nothing she could do but sign with him or risk the chance that he would actually expose her secret. If he were to do that, she knew her shame and disgrace would be so great she would not feel comfortable again until she had shriveled into a cloistered place of hiding.

Once she received the invitation to participate in this writers’ workshop and realized that Klaus Krieg would be here too, she knew this was the time of decision. She had returned to Marygrove as guardedly despondent as she had ever been. Realistically, she felt that when push came to shove she would sign. Even after considerable prayer and thought, she had arrived at no viable alternative to giving in to Krieg.