Stuart Kaminsky - You Bet Your Life

“Right,” said Narducy taking a sudden left. He pulled up to a drug store, yanked a leather pouch from under his seat and opened it. It was full of change. He counted out ten bucks. We made the exchange and I ran in the store. There was a wooden phone booth in the back and it was empty.

It took me two minutes to get information and ask for any Las Vegas radio station. I got the station and asked for the newsroom. The news room turned out to be one man named Almendarez. Almendarez had a nice deep voice. Almendarez told me what hospital Marx was in when I told him I was doing a book on the Marx Brothers and would certainly mention his crucial role in it. My pile of coins was going down, but I had enough left to do plenty. I got the Las Vegas information operator and asked for the right hospital. At the hospital, I said I was Leonard Marx’s brother Herbert and that I wanted to talk to my brother.

“Just get his room or whoever is there,” I said. “Tell them it’s Gummo.”

The nurse was undecided, but I said, “Please hurry” and coughed a real cough. She put me through.

Someone picked up the phone, and the nurse said the caller was Gummo Marx and should she put it through. The person on the other end said, “Yes” and it was my turn.

“Hello,” I said.

“If you’re Gummo,” replied the familiar voice of Groucho Marx, “then I’m Andy Hardy. On second thought maybe you’re Andy Hardy and I’m Gummo. Whoever you are put the phone down and take a cold bath. I know it does wonders for my dog or my son Arthur. I can’t remember which.”

I knew he was going to hang up so I shouted, “Wait. My name’s Peters. I’m a private detective. Your brother Chico knows me. If he could talk-”

“If he could talk?” chuckled Groucho. “Diamond Jim Marx won’t stop talking.” He put his hand over the mouthpiece and I could hear him saying something. Then another voice came through. It was Chico Marx. I had spoken to him before, but each time I was thrown off by the accent he didn’t have. It was so much a part of what I thought Chico Marx was, that I had trouble believing this man with a slight lower East Side accent was the same comic Italian.

“Yeah Peters. What’s up?”

“What did they do to you?”

“They? Who?”

“You’re in the hospital.”

“Nobody did anything to me. I had a heart attack.”

“You don’t sound like it.”

“It wasn’t a real heart attack. I’m losing more than I make working in Las Vegas. I checked in here to resist temptation and avoid a few people. Grouch and Harp heard on the radio I was sick and flew here. Harp and me are playing pinochle. I’m losing, but slower than at the tables. Where are you? What did you find out?”

“I’m in Chicago.”

“We used to live there. You hear that?” he said to his brothers. “He’s in Chicago.”

“You stay in that hospital, Chico,” I said, dropping another six nickels in the slot to keep from getting cut off by the operator. “The gentlemen here still say you owe them the money, and someone is playing rough. A cheap hood named Leonardo got machine gunned in my hotel room.”

Groucho must have had his head to the phone listening because he shouted to me.

“Listen to me, Peters. Don’t let them add it onto your bill. You didn’t order a dead hoodlum and you shouldn’t have to pay for one. You should insist that they throw extras like that in free.”

Chico took the phone.

“Don’t mind him,” he said. “He thinks you’re one of my friends pulling a gag.”

“Well tell him it’s no gag. I’ve got to find Gino. You just stay where you are. I may have to ask you to come to Chicago when I find him. Maybe if he’s in the same room with you he’ll realize he’s got the wrong man.”

“And what if he lies and says I’m the right man?” asked Chico.

“Then we break him down, talk a mean streak, or run like hell.” I coughed. “I’ve got no other ideas right now.”

“Take care of that cold,” said Chico. “Where you staying?”

“The LaSalle,” I coughed.

“Harpo says you should gargle with Listerine.”

“Tell him thanks, and please stay there till you hear from me.” I hung up. Through the window of the phone booth I could see that Narducy had wandered into the drug store. His scarf was off his face. It was a very young face. He waved at me, and I waved back as I got the operator and gave her the number of MGM in Culver City. I told the MGM operator who I was and asked for Louis B. Mayer. She checked and said he was busy, but that Mr. Hoff was to take any calls from me. They put me through.

“Hello, Toby,” came the voice I recognized. He was a minor vice president at MGM who I had recently helped keep his job-a job he hated.

“Warren,” I said, “why is God ducking me?”

“Chico Marx is in the hospital,” he said. “Mr. Mayer thinks it may be because you didn’t do what you were paid to do.”

“Chico Marx is in a Las Vegas hospital with a fake heart attack,” I said truthfully. Then I added not so truthfully, “I told him to go there until I straightened this out. I’m protecting MGM’s investment.” Post nasal drip got me and I began to cough about ten cents’ worth of time.

“Where are you, Toby?”

“Chicago. What’s the weather like in L.A.? Wait-don’t tell me. Just send me three hundred bucks at the LaSalle Hotel in Chicago and do it fast. I’ll itemize it.”

“I know,” said Warren. “I’ll call our district manager in Chicago and have him send the money over in cash. And Toby, the Marxes are talking about quitting the movie business. If they do before you wrap this up, I can give you odds that Mr. Mayer is going to fire you with a penny postcard. He’s not going to pay to protect an actor who doesn’t work for him.”

“I guess it makes sense,” I coughed.

“Why don’t you take some Bromo cold tablets for that cold?” Warren volunteered.

I thanked him for the advice, the money, and the support, and hung up. I marked the cost of the calls in my little book and joined Narducy at the lunch counter.

“I’ll buy you lunch, kid,” I said with a sneeze. “I’m on top of the world.”

“Man on pinnacle has nowhere to step but off,” replied Narducy in the most embarrassingly loud Charlie Chan imitation I had ever heard. It was even more embarrassing since we were sitting in a drug store in Chicago’s Chinatown and everyone in the place was Chinese but us.

Narducy kept telling the plump Chinese waitress in a yellow uniform that his three burgers were terrific. He asked if they were made with soy sauce. She thought he was funny. I was sick. I drank a bowl of the special soup of the day, tomato, right out of the Heinz can. I also had a large glass of orange juice.

While Narducy considered a fourth burger, I went to the Chinese pharmacist and told him part of my tale-the part about having a bad cold. I hoped he’d come up with an ancient recipe that would cure me. He suggested Bromo Quinine cold tablets. I bought a box of Kleenex instead and gathered up Narducy who, so help me, was amusing the waitress with his Charlie Chan imitation.

“Where to?” he said happily, back in the cab.

“What time’s your friend start working at that place you mentioned?”

“Four to midnight. We’ve got a couple of hours to kill. You want me to spend part of it getting rid of the two guys following us?”

I was proud of myself. I resisted the impulse to turn and look around. I kept my eyes on the back of Narducy’s neck, and he kept looking up at the rear view mirror without lifting his head.

“What do they look like?”

“The Phantom of the Opera and Lou Costello. You know ’em?”