George Higgins - A change of gravity

"You and I both know she's never been that keen on me," Merrion said, 'not from the very beginning, I first started working for you. What I was then, and what I'll always be, at least to a certain degree, is someone who Mercy put up with. But since then as the years'd gone by, when you first started letting me know you'd been out getting strange, things'd gotten so they'd started improve a little. She still wouldn't've picked me as her sponsor for Confirmation, but now and then, I said something, she laughed. It wasn't much, but it was progress. In this world you take what you can get.

"So this is where we are, Mercy and me, you decide things're too quiet.

It's starting to get a little better with us, between me and her. I no longer have to wear a coat indoors if she's around, so I don't get a stiff neck from the chill. She still didn't like me; I'm not saying that. But I think she got to the point where she decided that you hadda have someone who can do my kind of work, cutting the balls off a guys; and who also knows what certain kinds of people aren't refined like you two are, think about what's going on. As I do, being one. And she sees that the reason that you have to have someone like me's because there's more people like men there are of you two, you want me to put it bluntly. So if you wanna run for something, what we roughnecks think is important, and you'd better have someone who can tell you. And once Mercy'd realized that, that was when things between us got better. She still thinks I'm a bad influence on you; and I know she'll never change that; but I think she's decided there has to be one, and I'm about the best one you could find.

"So at that point what we were, Mercy and me, we're partners in a small business. The plant and the product is you. Dan Hilliard Political Futures. Way she sees it or used to at least, 'fore you got your thing caught inna zipper her job is to keep you in good shape: physically, mentally, husbandly, fatherly throw in morally, too. My job's to look after the other stuff you do; make sure you're in good shape politically and publicly. We don't have regular meetings, her and I, every month or two, but both of us know what we're supposed to do. What areas we're supposed to take care of. We've both got an interest in you.

"Then, thanks to you, several years ago I begin to realize we have got a malfunction-red light flashing in the morality area. Alarms going off in the husband and father sections too. The product looks like it may be onna way to destroying itself. Something needs to be done. I know this. But I'm not in charge of those sections. I have got no jurisdiction. I'm not even supposed to go into those areas; they're off-limits to me. And I can't report the malfunction to the person in charge of those sections because while I'm very sure she'll want to make the necessary repairs, immediately, I'm afraid she'll react in a way that'll damage the product's condition politically and publicly, by taking a hammer to it making a big fuckin' stink. And when she does that, the product'll get mad at me, because the way he's gonna look at it, I damaged him confidentially and I abused his trust.

"So there I am now, right where you put me, spang in the middle: I'm fuckin' stuck; I'm helpless. All I can do is keep my mouth shut, and just hope an' pray you get over this hot spell of yours before Mercy finds out what's now become two things: one being that you've been runnin' around, which I know'll destroy you with her; and two that I knew and I didn't tell her, which'll finish me off with her, too."

Hilliard shook his head and cleared his throat, but he kept his eyes downcast and did not say anything.

"Those hopes and prayers did not quite work out as I wanted. I could see this. So when you stopped bein' coy, droppin' hints, come right out and told me you were fucking Stacy you're like a little kid with a new electric train; you're fucking Stacy Hawkes, and you two just invented sex I figured that was it; the shit was in the fan. You weren't coming to your senses; there was nothing I could do. Well, that was when I finally said I certainly hoped that you knew what an awful chance you were taking. And furthermore, I also said I'd seen some self-destructive assholes in my time but you took the cake. And you know what you said to me? Do you remember, Dan?"

Hilliard remained downcast and shook his head. He mumbled something.

Then he gulped. Merrion said: "What?"

Hilliard did not look up, but did manage to nod. "Yeah," he said, 'yeah I remember. I know what I said."

"You laughed at me," Merrion said. "Then you told me to go fuck myself. And then a week or two after that chat, you missed the McGovern dinner." He paused. "I figured that was the end of you. I had you down as totaled. History. I thought you'd never survive it.

So there I am, I'm all prepared for the bomb to go off- thanking God that at least I'd been smart enough to get my court job before you decide to commit suicide. And then weeks went by and no bomb went off.

Nothing happened, so I never asked you. What the hell did you do? How the hell did you pull that one off?"

Hilliard shrugged. "It took a while before it got back to her," he said. "The kids were still at home and in school, keeping her busy.

She wasn't out that much with other people, especially people who knew what was going on. And when she was out with those kind of people, she was out with them with me. We tend to forget this, guys like you and me, but you have to be pretty deep on the inside to know most of the stuff that goes on. Not too many people are. Those who do know don't tend to tell their wives too much of it; they got secrets of their own they don't want me telling my wife, 'cause the next time she sees their wife she might tell her a thing or two. So they don't tell their wives I've got something on the side, and I don't tell my wife what they're up to. No one ever tells you this; you figure it out on your own. It's something we all understand.

"So even though everybody on the Hill's giving me the business, the story didn't make it out this way until Mercy's fuckin' mother picked up something in the wind, she's out flyin' around Weston on her broom, and then I had myself a problem."

"I'm curious," Merrion said. "What'd you do?"

Hilliard shrugged. "I saw it as a political challenge. If I'd never gone into politics, I never would've fucked Stacy. I never would've seen her, not in person anyway, and if I ever had've somehow, well, she wouldn't've looked twice at me. So I treated it as a political problem. I resorted to time-honored tactics: I stood up like a man and I lied."

"And Mercy believed you?" Merrion said. "Amazing. I never would've."

Hilliard bloused his cheeks out. "Of course you wouldn't've," he said.

"The Charlie Doyles of this world wouldn't've. None of you would've had to. So therefore I wouldn't've told you that story; you would've laughed in my face. But she had a weakness, so she couldn't laugh; she had to believe me. And so she made herself do it." He shook his head.

"If your next question's whether I'm disgusted with myself, the answer is: I am now, but I wasn't then. Then I was proud of myself, and that makes me feel even more disgusted."

"And maybe even more ashamed?" Merrion said.

Hilliard looked at him. He pursed his lips and swallowed. "Goin' for the full skin, huh, Amby? Not just for the scalp?" Merrion nodded.

Hilliard said: "Well yeah, that too then, pal of mine: even more ashamed."

As Merrion had foreseen, once Mercy decided to act she came on like a locomotive. Urged on by Diane Fox, she convinced herself that even though she had collaborated in her own deception and assisted at her own resulting martyrdom, the humiliating pain her husband had caused her warranted retribution along with divorce.