Max Collins: The Baby Blue Rip-Off

Brennan had been nodding all through what I said. He said, “We’ve considered those. They sound good, until you knock ’em up against this job. Why would these people change their pattern now?”

I shrugged. “Could be they just thought someone would get wise to their present source of information. Could be that source got fired or laid off from that information-packed inside job.”

“Or,” Brennan said, “could be they heard about Mrs. Jonsen’s supposed money and figured one old woman wouldn’t be any sweat.”

“Well?”

“Well what?”

“She wasn’t, was she?”

“No. She sure wasn’t.”

We sat and looked at each other for a minute or so.

Then I got up, and Brennan stood.

“Thanks for talking, sheriff.”

“It’s okay. Thanks for letting me bounce some ideas off your head.”

“Any time.”

“Just one thing, Mallory… don’t let it go any further than just me and you chatting, okay? You can come around and trade theories all you want, but don’t go nosing around.”

“Wouldn’t think of it.”

“Mallory….”

“I said I wouldn’t think of it.”

“Bullshit.”

“Hey, and we been so cordial up to now.”

“Get the hell out of here,” he said, trying to get gruff again and not quite pulling it off.

I headed for the door, and he stopped me.

“Say, Mallory?”

“Yeah, Brennan?”

He glanced at John’s picture in the gold frame.

Then he said, “Never mind. See you around.”

“See you around.”

A big expensive Buick, last year’s model, was parked in front of my place when I got back. The Buick was dark green and smaller than a yacht, but not much. A fat man’s car. Appropriately enough, Edward Jonsen was in it. The car’s engine was running, the windows up, air conditioning going. Even so, Jonsen was hot. Psychologically, if not physically. He was making an effort to contain his anger, but like a lid on a boiling pot of water, the attempt was not entirely successful; his lower lip took on a petulant jut and gave him the look of some talking animal in a cartoon, a pouting porker in a two-hundred-buck blue suit.

Jonsen was parked in my spot, so I left my van across the street, in front of the home of one of my friendlier neighbors. I crossed to the Buick and rapped on the window. Jonsen flashed a mean irritated look and pushed something, and the window on my side went down a third of the way.

“You’re Mallory.”

It wasn’t exactly a statement; it wasn’t exactly a question. I answered him anyway. I said I was Mallory.

“I have to talk to you. Get in.”

He made no try at clouding the edge of hostility in his voice. I didn’t know what to make of him.

I said, “We could go inside my trailer there and talk, if you’d like.”

“The car will do fine, thank you.”

He said thank you like screw you.

I hesitated.

“Will you get in?”

I nodded yes, and the window slid back up.

And so I got in. It was more than just cool in there; it was cold, uncomfortably so. In the backseat of the Buick were stacks of brochures put out by the feed company Jonsen worked for. After his flop at running his own service station, his mother had told me, Edward Jonsen had taken a job as a salesman for a big local feed company, and had evidently done fairly well, probably due to his farm background, which must’ve made it easy for him to relate to rural feed dealers.

Even now, you could see he’d been raised on a farm. His hands, which gripped the steering wheel as if he were driving and not sitting still, were hard, rough, callused, powerful. Hands that had worked. Hands that could do you damage. And yet the overall impression he gave was one of softness; the strength that obviously resided in his massively framed body was layered with the tissue of obesity.

“I’d like to express my sympathy for your loss,” I said. “Your mother was a fine woman. I was happy to know her, even if it was only for a short time.”

“Spare me your hypocrisy.”

His jowls quivered as he spoke, the doughy, paste-white skin and the Zero Mostel hair making him an all-around unpleasant-looking human being. I wondered how the hell he could make a living as a salesman.

“I don’t follow you,” I said. “What do you mean, hypocrisy?”

“My mother’s death is a great loss to me. But I was brought up to accept reality and the defeat it occasionally brings, so if you are attempting to mislead me by your pretended ignorance, or are simply hoping to needle me, I suggest you give it up.” There was a firmness in his words and expression that belied the soft, almost feminine tone of his voice.

“I want to know what you mean by hypocrisy, Mr. Jonsen.”

“ Please. Although I have been able to accept my mother’s death, the burden is still heavy, and I would as soon dispense with pretense and the sarcasm I detect in your tone. Coming to you like this is not easy for me. The whole idea of having to meet with you is distasteful, disgusting to me.”

“What are you talking about?” There were goose pimples forming on my arms-whether from the air conditioner blasting at me or the chilliness of the conversation, I couldn’t tell you.

“Let’s not play games. Please! If you will return what was stolen, it can end there. I will even offer a cash settlement, though I’m sure it won’t be as generous as some, well, fence, or whoever it is you usually deal with….”

“Wait a minute. What do you mean, ‘return what was stolen’? I don’t like your implication, Mr. Jonsen.”

“Implication? Are you going to make me go through the chain of thought that led me to you? Please. Do you really think I’m naive enough to believe that a person of your… type. .. would participate in a program for aiding the elderly out of, what? Civic duty? Please. You used it as a method to get close to my mother, to get inside the house and see just exactly what it was she had in there. You were good, I’ll admit that. When my mother spoke of you to me so highly, it didn’t at the time occur to me that your motives were selfish. But now, with mother dead and everything stolen, it’s easy enough to see. No, I don’t believe your ‘innocent bystander’ story, and perhaps if, when I next speak with Sheriff Brennan, I explain my line of reasoning to him, he will see through your silly story as well. So why don’t we drop the game-playing and talk seriously.”

“You are incredible.”

“The sum I have in mind is five thousand dollars. Hardly spectacular, I grant you, but if we were to agree to have the stolen property ‘discovered,’ then some of the intensity of the investigation might die down, which you will agree is to your advantage-”

“Can I get in a word?”

“Go ahead.”

“I just want to point out a couple of things. Okay? Jonsen, don’t assume that, just because you are petty, everyone else in the world is petty, too. And don’t assume that, just because you are self-centered, everyone else in the world shares your warped point of view. Don’t assume that, just because you have greed where other people have a vestige or two of compassion, the whole world is full of fat, greedy assholes.”

“Is that all?”

“No. Get your fat ass, your fat car, and your skinny character the hell out of here, and don’t come around bothering me again.”

With remarkable speed, he reached down to the side of his seat, by the driver’s door, and came up with a revolver. It was a tiny gun, a.22, and looked like a child’s toy in the middle of his big hand. If I were James Bond, I would’ve laughed at it. I didn’t laugh.

“Did you expect me to come unprepared?” he asked. “I realize who I’m dealing with. A murderer. A thief. I realize what you did to my mother, and I’m prepared to overlook that if we can make some kind of business arrangement, but don’t underestimate me. I’m prepared to deal with you on your own low level.”