Quintin Jardine - A Coffin For Two

It was a weird feeling, saying goodbye to her in the station. My trip to Lyon had been one thing, but this would be the first night we had spent apart since the beginning of our relationship. ‘Miss me,’ she ordered.

‘I promise,’ I said, meaning it with all my heart. ‘Don’t enjoy the party.’

‘Listen, you know I wouldn’t be going, only Janice insisted when I called her to cancel.’

We kissed, and I walked into the station, with the beginning of a strange feeling creeping over me. I supposed that in all my life, it was the first real experience of loneliness.

The flight was fine, with a mercifully brief stop-over in Schiphol Airport, just long enough to buy aftershave for my Dad, perfume for Ellie, alcohol for Jan, chocolate for Auntie Mary and toys for the kids. Oh yes, and long enough also to make one phone call.

Jan was waiting right at the international arrivals doorway in Scotland’s capital airport, as I emerged with my hold-all slung over my shoulder and my duty free clinking in its bag. She stood there, looking more like Jane Russell than ever in black slacks and white shirt, her shoulder-length hair swept back off her forehead.

I laid my burdens down on the concourse and we hugged for all we were worth. ‘Hello darlin’,’ she said quietly. ’By God, but you look brown. Are you that colour all over?’

I grinned. ‘What’s the point in having a completely secluded terrace if you don’t get your arse sun-tanned?’

We kissed hello. A big wet one; none of this both cheeks stuff. This was Jan and me.

‘You sure it’s okay, you two putting me up for the night like you said?’

She shook her head, as I picked up my luggage. ‘Change of plan. You don’t have long at home, so we’re going across the river. Mac and Mary are expecting us for supper. I said we’d be there for nine-thirty.’

My stomach growled in anticipation of the prospect of Auntie Mary’s cooking. ‘Is Noosh coming?’

‘To my mum’s? You must be kidding.’ I didn’t press the point. Although Jan and her mum were reconciled, Anoushka had never been welcome in Anstruther.

Jan led me out to the unexpected cold of the evening, to the red Fiesta that I knew so well, and we were off, heading towards the Forth Bridge and Fife, and towards our parents.

The kids were still up when we arrived there, twenty minutes ahead of schedule, thanks to Jan’s flat out driving. On the way I had told her about St Marti, how we had found it, and how we had settled into the community. It was a monologue, interrupted only by the occasional glance at Jan as she drove across country, at the beautifully straight profile with which once I had been so familiar.

I repeated the story over supper at Auntie Mary’s almost word for word, only this time I produced the photographs to back it up … having extracted all the snaps of Prim with her shirt off. Eventually, Ellie took Jonathan and Colin off to bed, promising to wait up herself for me for a longer blether.

After they had gone, we sat around Auntie Mary’s fire, she and Dad, and Jan and me — plus Wallace, my faithful iguana, moved in, it seemed, along with my dad, and sleeping serenely on the window seat — talking about a Christmas wedding. ‘Now remember, you two,’ my father lectured us. ‘When it happens, we want it kept quiet. Just a registry office ceremony and that’s it. The four of us, plus Prim, Ellie and the kids will go for lunch afterwards, but that will be the extent of the reception.’

‘Fair enough, Dad,’ I said. ‘Aye, sure, that’ll be right,’ I thought, glancing across at Jan, and knowing from the look in her eyes that she was thinking exactly the same as me. We would discuss this between ourselves at a later date.

Mac the Dentist looked across at the two of us. He opened his mouth as if to say something profound, then thought better of it.

‘Time I went home,’ I said, seizing the moment. ‘I want a chat with my sister.’ I kissed Auntie Mary and Jan goodnight, patted my dad on his bald spot, then lugged my bag round to the big house looking out to sea.

I took a good look at Ellie as she opened the door for me. Dad was right. The fat wee wifie I had found in France was gone. My sister, with her waist back and her new haircut, looked better than she had since she was twenty-one. And there was a gleam in her eye that I couldn’t remember ever seeing there.

‘You’re doing great, Our Ellie,’ I said, at last, as I settled into dad’s armchair clutching a coffee which she had brought me. ‘It does my eyes good to look at you.’

‘Not just your eyes, brother,’ she said. ‘I am having an affair.’

You could have knocked me down with a Lightbody’s celebration cake. ‘You’re what?’ I couldn’t help it. I laughed. ‘Who with?’

‘Grammar, Osbert. With whom, please. With a guy at the school where I’m teaching part-time. He’s separated, like me. He’s one of your chauvinist types. I reckon he thinks he’s using me. The truth is that it’s the other way round. I am feasting on his body, but when I’ve finished all the white meat, he’ll be getting the push, believe you me.’

I managed to restrain my laughter this time. ‘Well, just you be careful. Take no chances until you’ve got everything sorted out with Allan. He’s seeing reason right now, but if he finds out that you’re playing away games before the separation agreement’s even drafted, he might change his mind.’

She nodded. ‘Don’t worry; the same thought occurred to me. I’ve decided to put Ross into cold storage until everything’s taken care of. If he doesn’t like that, well tough on him. Actually,’ she said, ‘I might just leave him in the freezer for good. The truth is I don’t like him that much. It was just that I needed to be made a fuss of, even if I did know all along that he was only doing it to get his end away.’

I gazed at her in the lamplight, hugging my mug of coffee, not knowing quite what to make of my new, capricious sister. ‘You know, Ellie, after Jan and I decided that we weren’t right for each other, and I was bouncing about like Zebedee in the Magic Roundabout, whispering “Time for bed” in the ears of as many women as I could, I used to lie awake on my many nights alone, and think about you and Allan. You weren’t long married then, and very solid and responsible …’

‘And boring, Oz, don’t forget boring.’

‘… yes, okay, and boring. But still I used to lie there and wish I could be like you, able to make a single commitment.’

I smiled at her. ‘Now look at us. We’ve turned almost full circle. I’m settled down with Prim, in the sort of solid relationship I used to dream about, while you’ve cut yourself adrift from all of that. Just be careful of one thing, though, sister. Don’t let yourself become like I used to be.’

It was her turn to smile. ‘Promiscuous, you mean? Don’t worry, as well as you I’ve got two sons and a father to protect me against that. If I’m indulging myself just now, it’s for the good of my morale, not just because I’ve a need to get properly laid.’

She paused. ‘Anyway, what about you and Prim? You’ve got that solid relationship, you say. But is it what you want, or is it what you think you should have?’

‘Of course it’s what I want. Prim’s a fantastic woman. She changed my life from the day I met her. She’s changed me.’

‘Aye,’ said Ellie, looking at me as if she was reading me, ‘she has that. She’s started you thinking again after all these years. And you’re more mature, too. Not so long ago you’d have run a mile rather than get involved between Allan and me. That’s good.’

I frowned at her. ‘Come on, sis. I’d like to think I’d always have stood up for you.’