Quintin Jardine: On Honeymoon With Death

Ellie loved it, of course. I was the star attraction, and so was she, done up to the nines in the new dress I’d bought her, and with a professional hair and make-up job. She even picked up a bloke at the party afterwards; big Darius Hencke, one of the wrestling crowd for whom I’d fixed guest invitations.

The nephews would love that, I reckoned.

I had another surprise at the reception too; Susie turned up after all. In Glasgow, she can go anywhere she wants.

Once Ellie’s limo had taken her and Darius off to God knew where, she and I went back to my place; for a board meeting, she said.

In the morning, after I’d told her all. . and I do mean all. . about what had happened in Spain after she’d left, she told me what she’d been doing.

‘I’m late, Oz,’ she said.

‘What do you mean? It’s Saturday; you’re not working today are you?’

‘No, you fucking idiot. I’m late; as in ten days late. I’ve done a test and I got the black dot.’

‘You mean …’

‘I mean there’s going to be an heir to the Gantry empire, my dear.’

‘Fucking hell!’ I’m never at my most articulate on a Saturday morning.

‘What are you going to do?’ I asked, when I could.

‘I’m going to have a baby.’

‘Just like that?’

‘Yup.’

‘Our baby?’

‘Absolutely.’

‘Whatcha gonna call it?’

‘Something appropriate, given its parentage. Damien, maybe, if it’s a boy. Or Lucrezia, if it’s a wee girl.’

‘Should I ask you to marry me?’

‘What a lovely proposal!’ She let out a peal of laughter. ‘Don’t be daft. Susie doesn’t love, remember?’

‘That’ll change in eight months or so.’

‘True. But not that much. Like I said back in Spain, think of the couple we’d make. Doesn’t it scare you?’

‘No.’

‘Well it bloody should. Anyway, it’s academic; I hate to remind you, my boy, but you’re married already.’

‘I’m not so sure about that.’

‘The Crown Office would be certain, if you tried marrying me. Listen, the only things I’m going to think about till next October are my baby and my business. You go and make your movie, and sort yourself out.’ She looked at me, and her eyes went all soft.

‘But if you want and you can make it, I’d like you with me when he or she arrives. You’re my minder, remember.’

‘It’s a deal.’

She left an hour later. . just before Ellie came in like a trollop, still in her new dress. . and that’s the last time I saw her. I phoned her every couple of days though, all through my intensive acting class.

That was worthwhile; it took the confidence I’d built up in Spain, broke it down and then built it up again, even stronger.

So, Hollywood, here I come. My plane gets into LAX in twenty minutes. Prim won’t be there to meet me, but I’ll see her when I get to Miles and Dawn’s place.

And what am I going to do about that situation?

Quite frankly, the Devil alone knows.