Quintin Jardine - Alarm Call

‘You’ll have to instruct me formally, through a solicitor, but if you do that, I will. Do you have a lawyer in Scotland?’

‘No, but …’ She looked at me.

‘I have,’ I said, diving into my pocket for my phone. ‘And when I’m around, he works on Saturdays.’

I rang Greg McPhillips, my personal brief, hoping that he wasn’t at his golf club, for mobiles are banned there. As luck had it he had just left; the background noise told me that his Bluetooth connection picked up my call in his car.

‘Hi,’ he answered cheerily. ‘I’m just on my way home, love. I won’t be long; we’ll be in plenty of time for the wedding, promise.’

‘That’s good to know, darling,’ I replied, ‘but I’m having a hell of a fucking job getting my dress to fit, so we might not be going after all.’

‘Pillock, Blackstone.’

‘I was once told by a homosexual in London that a pillock is a man with a small penis. I ask you to withdraw that remark, or I’ll have to instruct you to sue yourself. If you want a list of witnesses against you, there’s one sitting right here.’ Prim and Harvey both stared at me.

‘Withdrawn, withdrawn; I’ve played squash with you, remember. Now what the bloody hell do you want?’

‘I want you, right now this minute, to instruct Mr Harvey January, QC, to act in the case of Miss Primavera Eagle Phillips, against Mr Paul Wallinger.’

‘You serious? Harvey January? He’s a top silk.’

‘Believe it.’

‘Have you got his number?’

‘Have I ever; her name’s Ellen. He’s right here; now repeat to him what I just said.’

‘Were you serious about the Eagle bit too?’

‘I’m afraid so. It’s Prim’s middle name, so secret that once you know it she has to kill you. Her mother is close to nature; she saw a mountain eagle in Spain on the night Prim was conceived.’

‘Thank God it wasn’t a vulture!’

‘I’ve often thought that, but never had the courage to say it. Here’s Harvey, just repeat the instruction as I gave it to you.’ I passed the phone across.

The advocate took it, listened for a few seconds, then said, ‘I accept.’ They conversed quietly for another minute or so, then Harvey said, ‘I’ll get back to you as necessary with any specific requirements,’ and returned the handset.

‘Thanks, Greg,’ I told him. ‘Enjoy the wedding.’

‘I’d rather be cutting my toenails with a chainsaw,’ he admitted. ‘You keep an eye on that Eagle, d’you hear? She’s had her talons in you before; don’t let it happen again.’

‘It’s okay, I’m a protected species too. Cheers.’

I turned back to Harvey. ‘Right, that’s taken care of. What do we do now?’

‘We go on the attack,’ he replied at once, ‘on two fronts. First thing on Monday morning, we will go to the Sheriff Court to seek, and undoubtedly obtain, an interim interdict prohibiting Mr Wallinger from taking Tom out of the United Kingdom without Primavera’s consent. I know that the horse has bolted, but it will also require that he return him here forthwith. We will also initiate proceedings to award her full legal custody.’

He looked at me. ‘To do that, we’ll need to cite an address in Scotland. Can I use yours, Oz?’

‘No, no, a thousand times no. That would make the tabloids in a big way, and neither Susie nor I would like that.’

‘Semple House, Auchterarder.’ Harvey turned his gaze to his new client. ‘That’s my parents’ address,’ she told him. ‘Will it do for your purposes?’

‘Fine, as long as your parents are upstanding citizens.’

‘As up as you’ll find,’ I assured him.

‘We will need, of course, the child’s birth certif icate. Do you still have it, or did Mr Wallinger take that with him?’

‘He took it.’

‘In that case we’ll need a duplicate. You can apply for one online, but that will take a couple of weeks. Do you have a reliable friend in London?’

Prim shook her head. ‘No, I was totally wrapped up in Paul. I never had time to make other friendships.’

‘I can handle that,’ I said. ‘What does he have to do?’

‘He needs to go to the Family Records Centre in London. It’s in Myddelton Street, near King’s Cross, and by happy chance it’s open on Saturdays, for the convenience of amateur genealogical researchers. They will issue an official duplicate certificate.’

I called Mark Kravitz there and then; I didn’t ask what he was doing, only where he was. He understood the problem at once; better than that, he knew the FRC well, and had a contact there. Where does he not have a contact? I asked myself. He undertook to get the replacement certificate that afternoon, and courier it to Greg McPhillips overnight. ‘That’s done,’ I told Harvey. ‘What’s the other front?’

‘At the first opportunity, Miss Phillips must make a formal complaint to the police, alleging theft of her funds by Mr Wallinger.’

‘Where?’ asked Prim. ‘Will I need to go back to London?’

‘No, you don’t have to do that. If we’re asserting your Scottish residence, you can complain to your local force. It’s better in some ways; frankly, a two-and-a-half-million-pound fraud is small potatoes for the Metropolitan Police, but it will get attention in Scotland.’ He glanced back at me. ‘Oz, I don’t suppose you have a tame policeman as well?’

‘No, but I know someone who has plenty.’ I took out the trusty mobile again and called Ricky Ross. He and I were the best of enemies once, but we’ve turned into pretty good friends. He was a detective superintendent in Edinburgh until he made an arse of himself in an investigation in which I was more than peripherally involved, but he recovered from that debacle to form a successful security business. He’s also kept many of his old CID pals, and that can come in very handy.

In his business, he’s always contactable. His phone was on auto-answer, but when I left a message, he called me back inside a minute.

‘What’s up?’ he asked. ‘It’s not my birthday, so I guess something must be.’

‘I need to talk to a copper, Rick, someone who’s good at chasing embezzled funds.’

I’ll swear he started to laugh, then choked it off. ‘Who’s been daft enough to steal your money?’ he exclaimed.

‘Not mine, Primavera’s.’

‘The ex? Where is she?’

‘Right now? Auchterarder.’

‘That’s Tayside. There’s a guy in Strathclyde she should speak to; it would be better if she was in their area.’

‘That’s okay. She’s coming back to my place later on today, and that’s covered by Strathclyde Police.’

‘Fine. I’ll speak to him and make an appointment. What evidence does she have, bank statements and the like?’

I asked her. ‘Nothing with me,’ she replied. ‘It’s all in my safe at the flat.’

‘No worries; you can fly down tomorrow and get it.’ I put the phone back to my ear, but Ricky had heard it all.

‘I’ll fix something up for Monday, then,’ he promised, ‘assuming the guy’s available and not on holiday or anything. His name is Detective Inspector Ian McLaren, and he’s a specialist fraud investigator. I’ll ask him to go to Loch Lomond; I’ll get back to you with a time. By the way,’ Ricky paused, ‘just so as you know, he was a friend of Mike Dylan.’

‘Noted, but he’s ancient history. Thanks.’ I killed the call. ‘Copper taken care of, Harvey,’ I said, then glanced at my watch. ‘That’s enough for now. You go and join the family for a sherry, or whatever you top lawyers drink pre-lunch these days. I’ll join you after I’ve run an errand.’

‘What’s that?’ Prim asked.

‘You,’ I told her. ‘This has been the easy part of your day; in case you’ve forgotten, I’m now going to take you home, where you will tell your mother and father the whole truth and nothing but the truth.’