Rex Stout - Poison à la Carte

“What is it?” someone asked.

Hewitt said the doctor didn’t know. Zoltan entered bearing an enormous covered platter, and the Hebes gathered at the side table, and Felix lifted the cover and began serving the roast pheasant, which had been larded with strips of pork soaked for twenty hours in Tokay, and then — but no. What’s the use? The annual dinner of the Ten for Aristology was a flop. Since for years I have been eating three meals a day cooked by Fritz Brenner I would like to show my appreciation by getting in print some idea of what he can do in the way of victuals, but it won’t do here. Sure, the pheasant was good enough for gods if there had been any around, and so was the suckling pig, and the salad, with a dressing which Fritz calls Devil’s Rain, and the chestnut croquettes, and the cheese — only the one kind, made in New Jersey by a man named Bill Thompson under Fritz’s supervision; and they were all eaten, more or less. But Hewitt left the room three more times and the last time was gone a good ten minutes, and Schriver didn’t rejoin the party at all, and while the salad was being served Emil Kreis went out and didn’t come back.

When, as coffee and brandy were being poured and cigars and cigarettes passed, Hewitt left his chair for the fifth time, Nero Wolfe got up and followed him out. I lit a cigar just to be doing something, and tried to be sociable by giving an ear to a story Adrian Dart was telling, but by the time I finished my coffee I was getting fidgety. By the glower that had been deepening on Wolfe’s face for the past hour I knew he was boiling, and when he’s like that, especially away from home, there’s no telling about him. He might even have had the idea of aiming the glower at Vincent Pyle for ruining Fritz’s meal. So I put what was left of the cigar in a tray, arose, and headed for the door, and was halfway to it when here he came, still glowering.

“Come with me,” he snapped, and kept going.

The way to the kitchen from the dining room was through a pantry, twenty feet long, with counters and shelves and cupboards on both sides. Wolfe marched through with me behind. In the kitchen the twelve maidens were scattered around on chairs and stools at tables and counters, eating. A woman was busy at a sink. Zoltan was busy at a refrigerator. Fritz, who was pouring a glass of wine, presumably for himself, turned as Wolfe entered and put the bottle down.

Wolfe went to him, stood, and spoke. “Fritz. I offer my apologies. I permitted Mr. Hewitt to cajole you. I should have known better. I beg your pardon.”

Fritz gestured with his free hand, the wineglass steady in the other. “But it is not to pardon, only to regret. The man got sick, that’s a pity, only not from my cooking. I assure you.”

“You don’t need to. Not from your cooking as it left you, but as it reached him. I repeat that I am culpable, but I won’t dwell on that now; it can wait. There is an aspect that is exigent.” Wolfe turned. “Archie. Are those women all here?”

I had to cover more than half a circle to count them, scattered as they were. “Yes, sir, all present. Twelve.”

“Collect them. They can stand” — he pointed to the alcove — “over there. And bring Felix.”

It was hard to believe. They were eating; and for him to interrupt a man, or even a woman, at a meal, was unheard of. Not even me. Only in an extreme emergency had he ever asked me to quit food before I was through. Boiling was no name for it. Without even bothering to raise a brow, I turned and called out, “I’m sorry, ladies, but if Mr. Wolfe says it’s urgent that settles it. Over there, please? All of you.” Then I went through the pantry corridor, pushed the two-way door, caught Felix’s eye, and wiggled a beckoning finger at him, and he came. By the time we got to the kitchen the girls had left the chairs and stools and were gathering at the alcove, but not with enthusiasm. There were mutterings, and some dirty looks for me as I approached with Felix. Wolfe came, with Zoltan, and stood, tight-lipped, surveying them.

“I remind you,” he said, “that the first course you brought to the table was caviar on blinis topped with sour cream. The portion served to Mr. Vincent Pyle, and eaten by him, contained arsenic. Mr. Pyle is in bed upstairs, attended by three doctors, and will probably die within an hour. I am speaking—”

He stopped to glare at them. They were reacting, or acting, no matter which. There were gasps and exclamations, and one of them clutched her throat, and another, baring her arms, clapped her palms to her ears. When the glare had restored order Wolfe went on, “You will please keep quiet and listen. I am speaking of conclusions formed by me. My conclusion that Mr. Pyle ate arsenic is based on the symptoms: burning throat, faintness, intense burning pain in the stomach, dry mouth, cool skin, vomiting. My conclusion that the arsenic was in the first course is based, first, on the amount of time it takes arsenic to act; second, on the fact that it is highly unlikely it could have been put in the soup or the fish; and third, that Mr. Pyle complained of sand in the cream or caviar. I admit the possibility that one or both of my conclusions will be proven wrong, but I regard it as remote and I am acting on them.” His head turned. “Fritz. Tell me about the caviar from the moment it was put on the individual plates. Who did that?”

I had once told Fritz that I could imagine no circumstances in which he would look really unhappy, but now I wouldn’t have to try. He was biting his lips, first the lower and then the upper. He began, “I must assure you—”

“I need no assurance from you, Fritz. Who put it on the plates?”

“Zoltan and I did.” He pointed. “At that table.”

“And left them there? They were taken from that table by the women?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Each woman took one plate?”

“Yes, sir. I mean, they were told to. I was at the range.”

Zoltan spoke up. “I watched them, Mr. Wolfe. They each took one plate. And believe me, nobody put any arsenic—”

“Please, Zoltan. I add another conclusion: that no one put arsenic in one of the portions and then left to chance which one of the guests would get it. Surely the poisoner intended it to reach a certain one — either Mr. Pyle, or, as an alternative, some other one and it went to Mr. Pyle by mishap. In any case, it was the portion Pyle ate that was poisoned, and whether he got it by design or by mischance is for the moment irrelevant.” His eyes were at the girls. “Which one of you took that plate to Mr. Pyle?”

No reply. No sound, no movement.

Wolfe grunted. “Pfui. If you didn’t know his name, you do now. The man who left during the fish course and who is now dying. Who served him?”

No reply; and I had to hand it to them that no pair of eyes left Wolfe to fasten on Peggy Choate, the redhead. Mine did. “What the heck,” I said. “Speak up, Miss Choate.”

“I didn’t!” she cried.

“That’s silly. Of course you did. Twenty people can swear to it. I looked right at you while you were dishing his soup. And when you brought the fish—”

“But I didn’t take him that first thing! He already had some! I didn’t!”

Wolfe took over. “Your name is Choate?”

“Yes.” Her chin was up. “Peggy Choate.”

“You deny that you served the plate of caviar, the first course, to Mr. Pyle?”

“I certainly do.”

“But you were supposed to? You were assigned to him?”

“Yes. I took the plate from the table there and went in with it, and started to him, and then I saw that he had some, and I thought I had made a mistake. We hadn’t seen the guests. That man” — she pointed to Felix — “had shown us which chair our guest would sit in, and mine was the second from the right on this side as I went in, but that one had already been served, and I thought someone else had made a mistake or I was mixed up. Anyway, I saw that the man next to him, on his right, hadn’t been served, and I gave it to him. That was you. I gave it to you.”