Lilian Braun - The Cat Who Knew Shakespeare

"Not this morning, thanks, but I want to talk with you before you leave for the auction."

He put the Siamese in the wicker hamper, and the three of them crossed the yard to the main house.

"Did you hear the weather report?" Mrs. Cobb said. "It sounds like the Big One. I hope it holds off until after the auction. Susan Exbridge is picking me up at ten o'clock. Herb told me not to buy anything, but you know how I am at auctions!"

"How was the preview?"

“They have some wonderful things, and I saw the farmhouse for the first time. I can hardly wait to get my hands on it. We solved our problem; Herb is going to have one wing of the house for smoking and guns and stuffed moose heads and all that. Are you going to the auction?"

"I might drop in for a while to see the action. When's the best time to go?"

"Not too early. They put up box lots in the morning and hold the good things till later. They'll have a lunch wagon around noon. Don't forget to dress warm, and don't wear your best clothes, Mr. Q."

After Mrs. Cobb had bustled off in great excitement Qwilleran loitered around the house until he could stand the suspense no longer. Who would be at the auction? What were they buying? How high were the prices? What were people talking about? What were they serving at the lunch wagon? Wearing his lumberjack coat, woodsman's hat, and duck boots, he headed for Black Creek Lane in North Middle Hummock.

The country roads were unusually heavy with traffic. Cars, vans, and pickups were heading north, and a few were returning, loaded. Half a mile from the farmhouse he began to see vehicles parked on both sides of the road. He pulled in where a pickup was pulling out and walked the rest of the way. Auction-goers were trudging to their cars lugging floor lamps and rocking chairs. One woman was carrying a fern stand made of bent twigs.

"I don't care, honey," she said to her frowning spouse. "I simply wanted something that belonged to a Goodwinter, even if it was only an old toothbrush."

Parked in the front yard was a moving van labeled Foxy Fred's Bid-a-Bit Auctions. Customers shuffled through rustling leaves, examining rows of household furnishings: blankets, bicycles, small appliances, glassware, laundry equipment, garden tools. Large pieces of furniture were still in the farmhouse; everything else was jammed into a large pole barn where the bidding was in full swing.

Foxy Fred, wearing a western hat and red down jacket, was on the platform, haranguing a hundred or more bidders who were packed in shoulder-to-shoulder. "Here's a genuwine old barn lantern complete with wick. Who'll gimme five? ... Five? ... Gimme four... Dollar bill over there. Gimme two. Gimme two... Two I got. Gimme three. Do I see three? Three! No money! Wanna four, wanna four, wanna four."

In order to bid, customers were picking up numbered flashcards from a red-jacketed woman who was entering sales in a ledger and collecting money. Qwilleran had no intention of bidding, but he picked up a card anyway. It was number 124.

"Look up! Look up!" the auctioneer called out. Porters in red Bid-a-Bit windbreakers were hoisting an upholstered chair high over their heads for audience inspection.

Bidding was slow, however. The customers were either bored or stifled by blasts of heat from portable electric heaters. Suddenly Foxy Fred jolted them to attention. After only two bids he allowed a ladder-back rocker to go for an outrageously low price. The audience protested.

"If you don't like it, wake up and bid!" he scolded them.

Qwilleran ambled out of the bam and found Mrs. Cobb and Susan Exbridge at the lunch wagon. "How's the food?" he asked.

"It's not exactly Old Stone Mill," said Mrs. Exbridge, "but it's good. Try the bratwurst. It's homemade."

"The new chef at the Mill has made a big difference," Qwilleran said. "Has anyone met him?"

"I've seen him in the parking lot at Indian Village," she said. "He's tall, blond, and very good-looking, but he seems rather shy."

Mrs. Cobb said, "You'll never guess what I bought! A handmade cherry cradle! I'm expecting my first grandchild soon."

"Are the out-of-state dealers bidding things up?" Qwilleran asked her.

"They're hanging back, waiting for the good items, but there's a lot of them here. I can always spot a dealer. They're sort of shrewd-looking but laid-back. See that short man with his hands in his pockets? See the woman with a fuzzy brown hat? They're dealers. The man in the shearling coat — I think he's security. He isn't bidding. He isn't even listening. He's just watching people."

Before turning to look, Qwilleran had a hunch it would be the stranger who claimed to be a historian. The man was wandering aimlessly through the crowd.

At that moment there was a general movement toward the barn, as if on signal. Inside the building the chatter was loud and excited as the porters started to bring out the heavy artillery.

"Look up! Look up!" the auctioneer shouted in a voice that cut through the hubbub. "Victorian rococo chair, genuwine Belter, I think — part of a parlor suite — two chairs and a settee. Upholstered in black horsehair. Good condition. Who'll gimme two thousand for the set? Two thousand to start. Two thousand, anyone?"

A flash card was raised.

"HEP!" shouted a porter, who doubled as spotter.

"Two thousand I got. Gimme twenty-five gimme twenty-five gimme twenty-five. Waddala waddala waddala ..."

"HEP!"

"Twenty-five! Gimme thirty.”

"HEP!”

"Thirty! Gimme forty. Waddala waddala bidda waddala bidda bidda waddala ..."

"HEP!"

The excitement was mounting. It was like the last half of the ninth inning with the score tied, two out, and the bases loaded, Qwilleran thought. It was like third down on the two-yard line with a minute to play.

When the furniture was finally knocked down for a figure that he considered astronomical, the audience deflated with groans and sighs.

Someone tugged at his sleeve, and a woman's voice said, "How come you didn't bid on that one, Qwill?"

"Hixie! I didn't know you liked auctions!"

"I don't, but my customers have been talking about this one, so I sneaked away when the lunch crowd thinned out."

"Quiet back there!" shouted Foxy Fred, and Qwilleran took Hixie' s arm and steered her outside and across the yard to the farmhouse.

"The good stuff is in here," he said, picking up a catalogue. Among the large items still in the house were two General Grant beds, a parlor organ, a breakfront twelve feet wide, a large pine hutch, a black walnut sideboard with matching table, and a ponderous rolltop desk. "This desk is the only thing I'd be tempted to bid on," Qwilleran told Hixie.

She was not really interested in the antiques. "Have you heard the latest rumor?" she asked.

"Which one? The town is full of rumors this week."

"It's no false alarm. My boss's live-in friend is eloping with another man. They came in for dinner last night — a couple of middle-aged lovebirds acting like kids. I seated them at a good table over the waterwheel, and it drove the guy crazy. He asked for an oilcan."

"Does Exbridge know about the switch?"

“Apparently, because he's livid! When he came in for lunch today he was in a mood for murder. The Bloody Mary was warm; the soup was cold; the veal was tough. He threatened to fire Antoine."

"Who?"

"Well, he likes to be called Tony, but his name is Antoine."

Qwilleran was fingering the flash card in his pocket. "I've got to go back to the barn to see what's happening," he said. "See you later."

The mood in the barn was contagious. He was catching auction fever, the symptoms being nervous excitement and a reckless sense of adventure.

"It's getting hot now, folks," shouted Foxy Fred, and an oak icebox, an eighteenth-century candlestand, and a Queen Anne table went under the hammer in rapid succession. Then the parlor organ and pine hutch were auctioned by number from the catalogue.