Ngaio Marsh - Vintage Murder

“The next thing,” he said, “is to remember who came past you from the dressing-room to the stage.”

Bob looked him straight in the eyes.

“I get the idea, sir. Watch me step here. If in doubt say so.”

“Exactly.”

“Well, when I first went out, some of them were still on the stage after the last curtain. Mr. Hambledon always goes straight to his room. Mr. Funny Ackroyd came along first and then old ‘I-Played-It-Well-Laddie,’ with young Broadhead.”

“Mr. Vernon?”

“Yes, sir. The boys on the staff called him ‘I-Played-It-Well-Laddie’ after his favourite remark. The last two were Mr. Liversidge and Miss Gaynes. They stood talking on the stage — couldn’t hear what they said— and then went past me to their rooms. I’d got to the falsetto repeat then, I remember.” Bob sucked his teeth meditatively. “Well, sir, they was all stowed away be that time.”

“Parsons, you’re a witness after my own heart. Now for when they came out.”

“Yes. Have to do a bit of thinking now. Take it easy, sir, it’s on the way. Yes.” Bob shut his eyes and took a vigorous pull at his cigarette. “The four gents was first. Mr. Comedy Ackroyd, Mr. Vernon, Mr. Broadhead and Mr. Liversidge, all come out together and they stands there chaffing me and asking why I wasn’t wearing a tailcoat and a white tie. Ackroyd was that funny I nearly burst out crying. Footpath comedian!”

“You don’t care for Mr. Ackroyd?”

“Not so’s you’d make a sky-sign of it. We’re human, sir, even if we do earn our treasury dressing up the great ‘hactors.’ Mr. Ackroyd doesn’t seem to have thought that out for himself. I got Mr. Ackroyd’s number a long while back. So did my gentleman, and my gentleman is a gentleman, sir.”

“Mr. Hambledon?”

“Ah! The genu-ine ticket. He knows all about Mr. Saint John Ackroyd and so did the guv’nor.”

Bob re-lit his cigarette and looked significantly at Alleyn.

“Why?” asked Alleyn. “How do you mean?”

“It’s an old yarn now, sir. Ackroyd forgot ’imself one evening when we was at the Cri. He’s very partial to ’is glass of whisky at times, and ’e don’t break ’is heart if there’s not much water with it. This night he’d ’ad just that much too much, and he comes into Miss Carolyn’s dressing-room without so much as knocking and ’e starts up on the funny business. ’Struth! What a scene! She tells ’im orf a treat and Mr. Hambledon, ’e comes along and ’e tells ’im orf a snorter, and then the guv’nor ’e gets wind of it and ’e comes along and ’e tells ’im orf fit to suffercate. Laugh! I was outside the door when ’e comes out, and to see ’is face! Not so blooming comic and as red as a stick of carmine. Laugh! Next day ’e ’as to apologise. ’E’d ’ave got ’is notice if it hadn’t been that piece, I do believe, but ’e was playing a big part and ’is understudy was not too classy. So the show went on, but since then Mr. Funny Ackroyd ’as blooming well kept ’is place. Well now, where was we? Ah, I’ve got it. Mr. Broadhead and Played-It-Well, and Mr. Liversidge and Ackroyd, they all come out in a bunch. They ’as their spot of comedy with yours truly, and then I rather fancy Ackroyd goes orf to the stage-door. Not for long though. ’E comes back and joins the others, and then they all goes on the stage, and froo the Prompt entrance to the set, see? And they never comes orf again while I’m there.”

“Sure of that?”

“Yes, sir. Sure as s’help me. Tell you for why. I could hear them telling Mr. Gascoigne what a lark they’d ’ad with me and how I was too shy to come to the party. Very funny, they was.”

Bob paused, his face a painful crimson.

“They sound thoroughly objectionable,” said Alleyn.

“Oh, well, there you are,” said Bob, dismissing them. “Well, sir. After that lot, Miss Valerie Gaynes came out. She was on the look-out for Mr. Liversidge as per usual, and I think she heard his voice on the stage. Anyway she made a bee-line for the door and went on. It was about that time the visitors from the front began to come in. I see you come with the guv’nor, sir, and that young Palmer and so forth. Mr. Gascoigne stood by the door looking out for them— the door on the set I mean. Then Miss Max came out and stood talking to me for a while. Always got a pleasant word for everybody. Then Minna come along and starts telling me orf for not ’aving changed me clobber. She’s a one, old Minna. We chy-ikes a bit and I says I’ll come along in me own time, see, and Minna goes back to doll ’erself up. Yes, that’s right, that’s ’ow she went.”

Bob paused.

“And then you joined the party, perhaps?”

“Nah! I felt kind of awkward, sir, and that’s the truth. The boys — the stage-staff, you know, sir — they was all on, be that time, see? They’d been fixing the stage, see? Else I’d ’ave mucked in with them. Well, blimey, sir, it was all posh-like. Wasn’t as if there was a door over on the O.P. I could of slipped froo on the Q.T. if there had of been, but there was only the one door, see? So I kind of hung fire and made another fag.”

He glanced shyly at Alleyn.

“I know. It’s a bit of a facer making an entrance, isn’t it?”

“That’s right, sir. Then, after a bit, my gentleman comes out — Mr. Hambledon — and he says, ‘Hullo Bob,’ ’e says, ‘waiting for something?’ And ’e seems to tip I’m feeling silly-like and ’e says: ‘Come on,’ ’e says, ‘and we’ll make a big entrance, Bob,’ ’e says. Look, ’e’s all right, sir, my gentleman. ’E’s very nice. But— ’struth, I couldn’t go on with ’im, sir. Wouldn’t be the right thing would it, now? So I says I’m waiting for Minna, and he smiles and cracks a joke, pleasant-like, and ’e goes across to the door where Mr. Gascoigne is still standing. I see him say something to Mr. Gascoigne and look across at me, smiling, and then ’e goes in and Mr. Gascoigne shuts the door and comes over to me and says: ‘We’re waiting for you and Minna,’ and then Minna comes along, and I puts out me second fag and we all goes acrost together and nobody notices nothing. And in about two shakes Miss Carolyn comes in and after you give ’er that ’eathen image we all sits down to supper and — and my Gawd, sir, then we know what happened, don’t we?”

“We do indeed. How long is two shakes, Bob?”

“Eh? Oh! See what you mean. Well now, sir. As we goes in everybody was just asking where was Miss Carolyn. So Mr. Hambledon and the guv’nor and Mr. Mason they went out to get ’er, passing Minna and me in the doorway. And they came back with her almost immediate.”

Alleyn made a sudden brusque movement, leaning forward in his chair.

“Then — Bob, this is important — it’s very important. You can tell me how long it was between the time Miss Dacres came out of her dressing-room and the moment of her entrance with the three men.”

“No time at all, sir. Just a jiffy. They must of met ’er in the passage.”

“And Bob! Could you swear that she came straight off the stage and didn’t leave her room till she went in to the party?”

“Yes, sir. ’Course I could. Didn’t I tell you I was—”

“Yes, yes, I know. It’s all perfectly splendid. Now for Mr. Hambledon—”

“Same for ’im, sir. Look ’ere, sir, I’m fly to what you’re after. You want to know who went up aloft after the guv’nor come down. That’s a fact, now, isn’t it, sir?”

“It is, Bob.”

“Well, sir, it wasn’t Miss Carolyn or Mr. Hambledon — physical imposs., sir. They both come straight orf after the curtain call. I see them. And they never come out of their rooms till they goes to the party, and they goes straight to the party. I’ll take me Bible oaf on it, kiss the book, and face the judge. Can’t say fairer than that now, can I, sir?”