Agatha Christie - The Man in the Brown Suit

"And order a table for six in the saloon," I said. "We'll have the Captain, the girl with the nice legs, Mrs. Blair –"

"You won't get Mrs. Blair, without Colonel Race," Pagett interposed. "He's asked her to dine with him, I know."

Pagett always knows everything. I was justifiably annoyed. "Who is Race?" I demanded, exasperated.

As I said before, Pagett always knows everything — or thinks he does. He looked mysterious again.

"They say he's a Secret Service chap, Sir Eustace. Rather a great gun too. But of course I don't know for certain."

"Isn't that like the Government?" I exclaimed. "Here's a man on board whose business it is to carry about secret documents, and they go giving them to a peaceful outsider, who only asks to be let alone."

Pagett looked even more mysterious. He came a pace nearer and dropped his voice.

"If you ask me, the whole thing is very queer, Sir Eustace. Look at that illness of mine before we started –"

"My dear fellow," I interrupted brutally, "that was a bilious attack. You're always having bilious attacks."

Pagett winced slightly.

"It wasn't the usual sort of bilious attack. This time –"

"For God's sake, don't go into the details of your condition, Pagett. I don't want to hear them."

"Very well, Sir Eustace. But my belief is that I was deliberately poisoned!"

"Ah!" I said. "You've been talking to Rayburn." He did not deny it.

"At any rate, Sir Eustace, he thinks so — and he should be in a position to know."

"By the way, where is the chap?" I asked. "I've not set eyes on him since we came on board."

"He gives out that he's ill, and stays in his cabin, Sir Eustace." Pagett's voice dropped again. "But that's camouflage, I'm sure. So that he can watch better."

"Watch?"

"Over your safety, Sir Eustace. In case an attack should be made upon you."

"You're such a cheerful fellow, Pagett," I said. "I trust that your imagination runs away with you. If I were you I should go to the dance as the death's head or an executioner. It will suit your mournful style of beauty."

That shut him up for the time being. I went on deck. The Beddingfield girl was deep in conversation with the missionary parson, Chichester . Women always flutter round parsons.

A man of my figure hates stooping, but I had the courtesy to pick up a bit of paper that was fluttering round the parson's feet.

I got no word of thanks for my pains. As a matter of fact I couldn't help seeing what was written on the sheet of paper. There was just one sentence.

"Don't try to play a lone hand or it will be the worse for you."

That's a nice thing for a parson to have. Who is this fellow Chichester , I wonder? He looks mild as milk. But looks are deceptive. I shall ask Pagett about him. Pagett always knows everything.

I sank gracefully into my deck-chair by the side of Mrs. Blair, thereby interrupting her tete-a-tete with Race, and remarked that I didn't know what the clergy were coming to nowadays.

Then I asked her to dine with me on the night of the Fancy Dress dance. Somehow or other Race managed to get included in the invitation.

After lunch the Beddingfield girl came and sat with us for coffee. I was right about her legs. They are the best on the ship. I shall certainly ask her to dinner as well.

I would very much like to know what mischief Pagett was up to in Florence . Whenever Italy is mentioned, he goes to pieces. If I did not know how intensely respectable he is –1 should suspect him of some disreputable amour…

I wonder now! Even the most respectable men — It would cheer me up enormously if it was so.

Pagett — with a guilty secret! Splendid!

The only costume that fitted me in the barber's emporium was that of a Teddy Bear. I don't mind playing bears with some nice young girls on a winter's evening in England — but it's hardly an ideal costume for the equator. However, I created a good deal of merriment, and won first prize for "brought on board" — an absurd term for a costume hired for the evening. Still, as nobody seemed to have the least idea whether they were made or brought, it didn't matter.

Mrs. Blair refused to dress up. Apparently she is at one with Pagett on the matter. Colonel Race followed her example. Anne Beddingfield had concocted a gipsy costume for herself, and looked extraordinarily well. Pagett said he had a headache and didn't appear. To replace him I asked a quaint little fellow called Reeves. He's a prominent member of the South African Labour party. Horrible little man, but I want to keep in with him, as he gives me information that I need. I want to understand this Rand business from both sides.

Dancing was a hot affair. I danced twice with Anne Beddingfield and she had to pretend she liked it. I danced once with Mrs. Blair, who didn't trouble to pretend, and I victimized various other damsels whose appearance struck me favourably.

Then we went down to supper. I had ordered champagne, the steward suggested Clicquot 1911 as being the best they had on the boat and I fell in with his suggestion. I seemed to have hit on the one thing that would loosen Colonel Race's tongue. Far from being taciturn, the man became actually talkative. For a while this amused me, then it occurred to me that Colonel Race, and not myself, was becoming the life and soul of the party. He chaffed me at length about keeping a diary.

"It will reveal all your indiscretions one of these days, Pedler."

"My dear Race," I said, "I venture to suggest that I am not quite the fool you think me. I may commit indiscretions, but I don't write them down in black and white. After my death, my executors will know my opinion of a great many people, but I doubt if they will find anything to add or detract from their opinion of me. A diary is useful for recording the idiosyncrasies of other people — but not one's own."

"There is such a thing as unconscious self-revelation, though."

"In the eyes of the psycho-analyst, all things are vile." I replied sententiously.

"You must have had a very interesting life, Colonel Race?" said Miss Beddingfield, gazing at him with wide, starry eyes.

That's how they do it, these girls! Othello charmed Desdemona by telling her stories, but, oh, didn't Desdemona charm Othello by the way she listened?

Anyway, the girl set Race off all right. He began to tell lion stories. A man who has shot lions in large quantities has an unfair advantage over other men. It seemed to me that it was time I, too, told a lion story. One of a more sprightly character.

"By the way," I remarked, "that reminds me of a rather exciting tale I heard. A friend of mine was out on a shooting trip somewhere in East Africa . One night he came out of his tent for some reason, and was startled by a low growl. He turned sharply and saw a lion crouching to spring. He had left his rifle in the tent. Quick as thought, he ducked, and the lion sprang right over his head. Annoyed at having missed him, the animal growled and prepared to spring again. Again he ducked, and again the lion sprang right over him. This happened a third time, but by now he was close to the entrance of the tent, and he darted in and seized his rifle. When he emerged, rifle in hand, the lion had disappeared. That puzzled him greatly. He crept round the back of the tent, where there was a little clearing. There, sure enough, was the lion, busily practising low jumps."

This was received with a roar of applause. I drank some champagne.

"On another occasion," I remarked, "this friend of mine had a second curious experience. He was trekking across country, and being anxious to arrive at his destination before the heat of the day he ordered his boys to inspan whilst it was still dark. They had some trouble in doing so, as the mules were very restive, but at last they managed it, and a start was made. The mules raced along like the wind, and when daylight came they saw why. In the darkness, the boys had inspanned a lion as the near wheeler."