Antonia Hodgson - The Last Confession of Thomas Hawkins

His heart slams into his chest. That dress. That black, widow ’ s gown.Of course.

‘ Wait! ’ he cries, but it is too late. Who would believe him now?

‘ Courage, sir, ’ Hooper murmurs.

The white hood slips over his head, rolls down until it covers his face. He breathes, and the air sucks the cloth against his lips. Courage. Yes. That ’ s all he has now. That and a few last, precious breaths. Use them well.

He closes his eyes and thinks of Kitty. The fresh, sweet scent of her. Powder-white skin, smooth and soft as silk. Her fingers against his chest, her breath hot and urgent on his throat. A soft cry of pleasure.

He had this, at least, before the end.

The noose tightens about his neck.

God forgive my sins.

Someone pulls the horse forward. He feels the cart move beneath his feet. A moment later his body swings free.

The Ballad of Thomas Hawkins

Tom Hawkins was a parson ’ s son

With evil in his heart

A deed most wicked he has done

And so he ’ ll ride the cart.

He stabbed Jo Burden with his blade

The blood is on his hands

A noose old Hooper he has made

The gentleman will hang.

They rode him off to Tyburn ’ s tree

They led him to his death

They stretched his neck for all to see

He took his final breath.

All rakes and scoundrels, now I pray

You learn this lesson well

A gentleman was hanged this day

And now he burns in hell.

Life. It rips through me.

As the air sucks into my lungs.

As the blood pulses through my veins.

Life. How it burns.

I open my eyes and see nothing. My arms are pinned to my sides, my knuckles pushed hard against solid wood. My fingers and toes are numb. I can feel movement beneath me, the roll and sway of a cart. We are travelling at a furious pace, hooves thundering on the cobbles, but I am held tight in the darkness. I try to move, and pain screams through my cramped muscles. I stop. Breathe. Take in the scent of wood, fine grains of sawdust catching my throat.

I am trapped in my coffin.

I kick out at the lid in a frenzy, crying for help. My voice is a thin rasp, my neck swollen and bruised. No one will hear me over the rattle of the cart. The memory of choking, flailing on the rope seizes me. I cannot breathe. I will suffocate alone here in the darkness.

Terror gives me back my strength. I kick harder and the wood splinters against my boot.

‘ Quiet, damn you .’ A rough male voice. ‘ Lie still. If you want to live. ’

I fall back, panting heavily. I feel as if I have lain asleep without moving for a hundred years. I try to stretch, and my legs cramp again. It is torture, but I push through it, gritting my teeth. Sensation returns to my fingers and toes, a throbbing pain laced with a thousand hot needles. As if pain is the only proof of life.

Where am I? Am I safe? I concentrate on the sounds outside my narrow wooden box. I can hear drunken cries, the high squeal of street hogs, ballad singers and hawkers, and a low bell tolling my own death. The cart slows, caught in the crowds, then surges forward again. Someone curses the driver. The cart turns and the noise changes. Whispers, and the sound of a bottle smashing. A baby screaming somewhere high above our heads. The wheels of the cart rattling over broken cobbles. The driver coughs. ‘Damned dust.’ We roll to a halt, the horses snorting and chewing at their bits.

The coffin begins to move, sliding from the cart. It swings into the air and I roll inside, smashing my knee. What if I am to be thrown into the Thames? I take a deep breath, ready to fight, but the coffin is carried higher, resting on solid shoulders. Boots thump and voices curse as we tilt and turn up the stairs. I count four storeys. The men are grunting now with the effort.

A door opens. The coffin is lowered to the floor with a heavy thump.

‘Here he is, then.’ Someone kicks the side. ‘Ten pounds.’

‘We agreed five.’

Kitty.

‘Five to bring him here. Another five and I’ll keep quiet.’

‘A bullet in your throat will do that well enough.’ A sharp, metallic click. ‘Leave us. Now.’

A pause. The door slams shut. Hurried footsteps back down the stairs.

She starts to prise open the lid with an iron crow, nails groaning against the wood. I push hard from the other side and it starts to give. At last it splits open. I struggle free and roll on to my back, stunned and gasping for air.

Wooden rafters stretch high above my head. Daylight streams through an open window, casting blocks of dazzling light on to the bare floor. Curtains billow in a soft spring breeze. The room smells of gin and unwashed clothes. I sit up slowly, still dazed and uncertain. There are piles of rags stacked against the far wall ready to sell. The floorboards feel rough under my fingers; the breeze chills the sweat on my chest. Am I truly alive? Where am I?

Someone coughs loudly on the other side of the wall, hawking up thick phlegm.

Not heaven, then.

Kitty kneels down next to me. She has pulled off her mob cap. Her face is flushed pink from the effort of opening the coffin. It is the most beautiful thing. She is the most beautiful… The room fades and I begin to slide to the floor. She grabs hold of my shoulders. ‘You’re safe,’ she says. ‘Tom – do you understand? You’re safe.’

I try to speak through my bruised and swollen throat. ‘ Kitty .’

Her bright-green eyes soften in relief. ‘Idiot.’ She kisses my forehead, my lips. Kisses me as though she is breathing the life back into me. I break away, staring in wonder at the face I have missed so much, touching clumsy, half-numb fingers to her cheek.

I don’t know how I came to be here, what magic she has wrought to bring a hanged man back from the dead. All I know is that my heart is beating, my pulse is racing, my skin is warm. I lean against her and weep with joy, like a child.

Later, we lie tangled upon the narrow bed, a thin sheet draped at our hips. My need had been wild, more animal than human. I would have devoured her if I could, teeth scraping her skin, fingers digging into her flesh. She had held me tightly, back arched, caught in her own frenzy. I spent inside her and collapsed, only to rise again twice more. My body, rejoicing in the simple truth – I am alive .

Only now, half dozing, do I ask how the miracle was accomplished.

She sits up, reaches for her wrapping gown. ‘We paid Hooper.’

I think back to the gallows, Hooper lying stretched upon the high beam, smoking a pipe. The last moments as he rolled the cap down over my face. Courage, sir. My breath hot and fast against the linen. The roar of the crowd.

‘There’s ways to tie a knot to finish things fast. Here.’ She coils her long red hair and slips it over one shoulder. Presses two fingers against her bare neck, below her ear. ‘And ways to make it slow.’ She moves her hand to the back of her neck, where Hooper had tied the rope. ‘You only seemed dead when he cut you down. You were still breathing. A little.’

‘You were there?’

She shakes her head. ‘I couldn’t…’ She glances about the room and I know she is thinking of that long wait, not knowing if I were dead or alive. I reach over and grip her hand.Tears brim beneath her lowered lids. At last, she begins again. ‘We paid Skimpy to smuggle you on to the wrong cart.’