David Wishart - Bodies Politic

‘Actually, Caesar,’ I swallowed, ‘the investigation’s finished.’

That got me a very sharp look. ‘Is it, now?’ he said.

‘Yeah. Yeah, more or less.’

‘Successfully?’

‘I think so.’

‘Then we’ll certainly talk.’ He hadn’t let go of my arm, but now there was a touch of steel in his voice. ‘Somewhere private inside, I think. Helicon won’t mind.’

I wouldn’t bet on that; in fact, glancing over to where the guy was standing and seeing the look on his face I’d say that currently providing a venue for me and the emperor to have a quiet tete-a-tete was pretty low on the bastard’s wish list. However, if the gods had decided to smile for a change then I wasn’t going to complain.

‘Fine by me, Caesar,’ I said.

Gaius had the flustered major-domo show us to Helicon’s study, ordered a jug of wine (‘Not the rot-gut you’re serving outside, cherub. Bring us something decent.’) and when he’d done it told him to bugger off and make sure we weren’t disturbed.

‘Right, Marcus,’ he said when the door closed. ‘Let’s have it.’

So I told him. The whole boiling, from beginning to end.

When I’d finished he said, very quietly: ‘You can prove this, of course. I really hope you can, petal, because if you can’t I shall be very seriously upset with you.’

Gods! The ice formed on my spine. ‘Uh, yes, Caesar,’ I said. ‘At least I think -’

‘Don’t think, dear. Thinking isn’t half-way good enough, not this time.’ He stretched out on the couch, his eyes on the coffered ceiling. ‘Gaetulicus I’m not surprised at; he’s been a bore for years, incompetent into the bargain, and I’m glad of the excuse to have his head, especially now. Nor at Agrippina, because she’s a scheming little bitch and always has been. I’ll even grant you Livilla, because she’s just an empty-headed fool who doesn’t look beyond the next fuck. But Helicon and Lepidus are something else entirely.’ He gave me a quick sideways glance. ‘Do you know how many friends I have, Marcus? Friends, not hangers-on? No? Well, I can count them on the fingers of one hand. So you had better be able to prove it to the hilt, love, because if you can’t then I’m afraid you’re cat’s meat.’

Oh, shit; he meant it, too. I swallowed. ‘I’ve got Seneca,’ I said. ‘He can confirm the Gaetulicus side of things. Plus his pal Anteius, who acted as the link, and Titus Vinius who’s willing to testify about the attempt to bring over the Pannonian legions. That should be enough for Agrippina and Lepidus.’

‘And for Helicon?’ He’d gone back to staring at the ceiling.

‘Cineas. The guy I told you about, in Alexandria. I saw him outside not half an hour ago. You’d have to find him for yourself, Caesar, granted, but the bastard’s in Rome and it shouldn’t be too difficult. After all, where could he run to?’

‘Alexandria excepted, anywhere in the empire you could name, petal. And Rome is a big place.’

Yeah; right. Still, I’d given it my best shot. Now it was up to him. I waited, held my breath and tried not to let the ice-cold gut fear that was building inside me show in my face.

He sat up suddenly. ‘Very well, Marcus,’ he said. ‘I can’t blame you for any of this, especially since I gave you permission to use that long nose of yours in the first place. In fact, I suppose I should thank you, and I probably will when I don’t feel so bloody.’ So it wouldn’t be Lusitania or slit wrists after all. I let the breath out. ‘That’s conditional, of course, on your first three informants coming up with the goods on Lepidus and my sisters. As far as Helicon is concerned -’

He stopped. He simply stopped, his eyes fixed on the far wall. I gave the silence a good minute. Then I said:

‘Caesar?’

‘Hmm?’ He blinked. ‘Oh, yes. Helicon. Don’t worry, dear, I’ll have a little talk with Helicon. He’s been very naughty, very naughty indeed.’ I said nothing. ‘Still, no real harm done, is there? And he does have a point about those Jews, they’re nothing but trouble, always have been. Of course, Flaccus is another matter, he should’ve known better. I can’t have my governors acting irresponsibly, whatever the excuse.’

‘What about Macro?’ I said.

‘ Oh, Macro! ’ Gaius sighed. ‘Marcus, dear, I’m sorry, but you really are being a little tiresome there. Frankly I couldn’t give a fuck about Macro. I’d’ve had him killed eventually in any case because he was becoming far too pushy. The same goes for Silanus. And Gemellus, for different reasons. Even if the plot was a complete fabrication – which I’m not entirely convinced of – then I can thank Lepidus and Agrippina for the excuse.’

‘And Drusilla?’

I knew I’d made a mistake as soon as I said it. The look I got was from eyes that were pure cold steel.

‘ If you’re right that Lepidus was behind her death,’ he said, ‘ if you’re right, then I’ll have the bastard in an urn. Agrippina too, if she was involved.’ I swallowed. ‘But you said yourself: Helicon had nothing to do with that side of things.’

‘No, he didn’t, but -’

His hand came crashing down on the small table beside the couch, toppling the wine cup and spattering the mosaic floor with wine. ‘ I will not lose two of my friends! ’ he snapped. ‘Not at once. Not for you, not for anyone, not even for fucking Rome herself. Whatever the truth of things. Is that perfectly clear?’

‘Yes, Caesar,’ I said.

‘Good.’ He lay back again and closed his eyes. ‘Now bugger off, there’s a love, and leave me alone. On your way out you can tell the major-domo I want to see his master.’

I turned to go.

‘Marcus?’

I looked back. ‘Yes, Caesar?’

‘Thank you. Awfully well done. Congratulations. Now go to hell, please.’

I left.

‘So what did he say?’ Perilla said when we were ensconced in the litter and on our way back to the Caelian. ‘The emperor?’

‘He congratulated me and told me to go to hell.’

‘Oh.’ She pulled back the curtain and watched the scenery.

‘Why is it always so fucking unfair? Helicon’s responsible for framing a chief advisor, blackmailing a governor, thanks to him probably by this time in Alexandria there’s rioting in the streets and they’re lynching Jews and burning them out with Flaccus’s fucking blessing, and Gaius bloody Caesar plans to let the bastard off with a good talking-to and a fucking smacked wrist. That’s not justice, lady, it’s -’

‘Gently, Marcus, gently.’ She hadn’t turned round. ‘You haven’t done too badly. The emperor owes you his life, for one thing. And you did solve the case.’

‘Yeah. I’ll bet wherever Macro is now that’s a great consolation to him. Maybe I shouldn’t’ve bothered.’

She turned to face me. ‘Listen,’ she said. ‘Macro never asked for your help in the first place; you knew that letter was a forgery right from the beginning. And Claudius Etruscus has got what he wanted. Oh, perhaps not yet, but he will: Helicon has been stopped, Flaccus will be recalled, and it’s all thanks to you. So let’s have no more recriminations and self-pity. It’s over and done with, just forget about it.’ She kissed me. ‘Besides, we still have a wedding to arrange.’

I half-smiled. Oh, the joys. Still, she was right: I’d done my best, the case was solved, and how Gaius intended to take things from here was his business, nothing to do with me. It might even turn out, in the end, to be all for the good of Rome. If you believed in flying pigs.

Ah, well; onward and upward. At least I’d seen Alexandria, and I had a couple of jars of good Mareotis in the wine cellar that I wouldn’t’ve had otherwise. Life wasn’t too bad, at that.