David Wishart - Last Rites

The next morning I went round to Camillus’s to give him what might well amount to the final update, but he was out of Rome on business and wouldn’t be back for two days. So much for reporting in; Jupiter, I even missed when I was throwing in the sponge! I spent the afternoon getting quietly stewed in one of my favourite wineshops off Market Square, racking my brains – or what passed for them – trying to think of some avenue I hadn’t been down or some alley that I’d ignored. There weren’t any. Nothing, zero, zilch all the way; what you saw was what you’d got.

The day was as far gone as I was before I called quits and staggered off home pissed as a newt. Or at least half pissed as a half newt…

Perilla was in the atrium, and furious. Oddly enough, she was furious wearing her best mantle and an uncustomary pair of earrings. That ought to have given me a hint, but it didn’t.

‘Corvinus, where on earth have you been?’ she snapped. ‘Secundus and Furia Gemella will be here in half an hour!’

I goggled at her. Then the penny dropped. Shit! The dinner party! I’d forgotten about it completely! ‘Uh, yeah,’ I said. ‘Yeah, right…’

Bathyllus materialised from nowhere, like he does. ‘The baths are hot, sir,’ he said. ‘Perhaps you’d care to bathe while I lay out a fresh tunic and mantle?’ Stiff as hell; the little guy hadn’t got over his chewing yet. But at least he was talking to me. And being helpful.

‘Yeah, okay, Bathyllus,’ I said. ‘Great. Thanks, sunshine.’

‘Don’t mention it, sir.’

I padded off towards the bath suite, shaking my head to clear it. The walk from Market Square to the Caelian had used up some of the wine, sure, but I was still a good jug short of cold sober; no way to start a dinner party, especially not with Gaius Secundus who could sink them as fast as I could. And not with that wife of his, either, for different reasons: I’d only met Furia Gemella once, and that years ago for about two minutes, but even on that short acquaintance I’d guess the lady wouldn’t take kindly to her host being boneless before the evening even got started.

The bath worked wonders, especially the cold plunge at the end, and by the time I was dried off and freshly mantled I could’ve said ‘Livillan Lanuvium’ with the best of them. I was feeling a lot brighter, too. Dinner parties – Mother’s excepted, of course – I enjoy.

Secundus and his wife had already arrived. Perilla had got them into the dining-room and settled with their pre-dinner drinks, and Bathyllus had served the less complicated hors d’oeuvres.

‘Hey, Gaius,’ I said. ‘I’m sorry I’m late. How’s the boy?’

I saw Furia Gemella wince. She was still the same curvy little half-pint I remembered, although the curves had filled out drastically over the years and she’d added an extra chin. I’d been right about the earrings, too. The archigallus could’ve used the ones she was wearing for rattles.

‘You’ve met Gemella, Marcus, haven’t you?’ Secundus said.

‘Yeah.’ I stretched out beside Perilla: there being only the four of us we were only using two of the couches. It was cosier that way, anyway. ‘Last time I saw her she was carrying a bowl of soup.’

That got me a glare from the lady, although Secundus grinned. There was a long and painful silence. We were off to a bad start here; maybe I wasn’t going to enjoy this particular dinner party after all.

Bathyllus came round with the top-ups and filled my cup. We were having Falernian: Secundus liked a good wine, and I had the impression Furia Gemella’s tastes would run to the traditional.

Well, maybe not altogether. ‘That is a simply marvellous clepsydra you have in the atrium, Perilla dear,’ she said brightly. ‘Is it from Amphytrio’s?’

‘That’s right.’ Perilla gave her a smile; her company smile, I noticed. Perilla was finding Furia Gemella wearing too. ‘We’ve only had it since the beginning of the month but it’s become almost one of the family already. Hasn’t it, Marcus?’

Like the fucking family dog that pisses all over the furniture, I thought, but I didn’t say anything, just nodded.

‘Really? How nice!’ Gemella beamed. ‘I’ve been trying to persuade Gaius to buy us one for ages. They are so chic! And of course beautifully made. I don’t know why every house doesn’t have one. I love the little titan with the hammer, don’t you?’

Oh, Jupiter! And we were in for at least three hours of this! I sighed and signalled to Bathyllus to bring on the starters proper.

At least Meton had done us proud: besides the usual eggs, olives, raw vegetables and fish pickle dip we’d got chicken-liver and onion patties, small Lucanian sausages, seafood dumplings and truffles in a coriander wine sauce. Furia Gemella’s eyes lit up. Yeah; I could see where these curves had gone now. And where the double chin came from.

‘Oh, lovely!’ she said, and dug in.

Well, that was her out of it hopefully for the next ten or fifteen minutes. I turned to Secundus. ‘So,’ I said, ‘how’s the new job going, pal?’

‘The Treasury?’ He helped himself to a sausage. ‘It’s okay. Boring, but someone’s got to do it. And at least I don’t have to move much. With this leg of mine I’d find it hard to get around.’

‘Don’t complain, Gaius.’ That was Gemella, between mouthfuls. ‘If it hadn’t been for your leg we’d never have met.’

‘Nor we would, dear.’ Was that a wince? Maybe there was hope for the poor bastard after all. I stifled a grin. ‘I never thought, though, Marcus, that I’d end up pushing a pen. Especially when I got to be a city judge. With soldiering out, the law would’ve been a good second-best. At least you’re dealing with people rather than figures. Or you get a commission like Gracchus’s that gives you something really useful to do that you can enjoy at the same time.’

I shelled an egg and reached for the fish pickle. ‘Who’s Gracchus?’

‘Jupiter!’ Secundus laughed. ‘You never go near Market Square, pal? The emperor’s commission on loans. Gracchus is one of the other city judges. He’s heading it. Rubbing these broad-striper bastards’ noses in their own’ – he caught Furia Gemella’s sharply applied eye and paused – ‘greed.’

‘Oh, yeah.’ I dipped the egg. ‘Your colleague Nomentanus told me about that.’

‘With his teeth clenched, no doubt.’ Secundus was still chuckling.

‘No. Not at all. He seemed pretty cheerful about it, as a matter of fact.’

Secundus was staring at me. ‘Nomentanus? Cheerful? ’

‘Sure.’ The back of my neck prickled slightly. ‘There any reason he shouldn’t be?’

‘Yeah. You could say so. A good million reasons, in fact. Marcus, Nomentanus is in the manure up to his eyebrows. He’s so far in hock he couldn’t dig himself out with a spade.’

The prickle had grown to a definite itch, and Perilla was looking at me with wide eyes. Meanwhile, Furia Gemella had found the truffles.

‘Hang on, Gaius,’ I said. ‘Cut the jokes, okay? This is important. I got the impression from talking to the guy that a) he wasn’t in the loans scam business himself and b) he was loaded.’

‘No to both.’ Secundus took a swallow of wine. ‘I’m Treasury, remember? I get the inside edge. Nomentanus is one of the biggies; when the bill for repayments hits his mat it’ll have six figures. And after what he spent on running for city judge, not to mention Board of Fifteen member before that, he hasn’t got the price of a bath. And I’m not giving you privileged information here. Anyone else on Market Square would tell you the same.’

My spine had gone very cold. Oh, gods; dear sweet gods! ‘Nomentanus is a Board of Fifteen member?’