Shona MacLEAN - The Redemption of Alexander Seaton

I breathed deep and screwed my eyes tight shut, trying to force the memory from the recesses of my mind. It would not come. I got up and began to pace about the room, to look out of the window at the business of the street outside, to stare into the flames of the fire, but still it would not come. I pictured every woman I knew, put the flowers into her hand, but every time the face went blank and I could see nothing, discern nothing. I searched my awful dreams of the last night for assistance, but none would come. I prayed aloud, but my words echoed unanswered in the empty room. The face was blank, and the hand began to fade away. The case was presently hopeless, and would not be mended here, at this hour, in this room. Frustration, then fatigue crept over me. It wanted two hours yet till William was to return from his morning’s business. I returned all but the one, special journal to the leather kist, and returned to my room to sleep the sleep that had eluded me in the night.

William had been glad of the walk up to the King’s College, glad of the chance to leave the confines of town for a while, if only for the neighbouring burgh not two miles up the road. It was a fine afternoon, and the schoolchildren of Aberdeen had taken gladly to their afternoon’s play at the links and on the King’s Meadows. I waited until we were beyond the Gallowgate port and past Mounthooly before I told William of my idea that Sarah Forbes might alleviate the coming burdens on Elizabeth’s strength. He listened carefully, quietly, without making the objections I had half-expected, even from him. For a moment after I had finished he said nothing, deep in thought, and then, ‘I think it may be possible that it would work, Alexander. I think it just possible that she would agree to it.’ He continued walking and then stopped. ‘You can obtain the relevant testimonials?’ I assured him that I could. ‘Then I shall clear the way here. I doubt there will be many objections from council or session. I will win the day.’

‘If Elizabeth will allow it.’

William affected a look of mock indignation. ‘Do you suggest that I am not master in my own home, Mr Seaton? I wish it and it will be so!’ We both laughed, and I think for each of us, the rest of the journey was made with a lighter heart. The burden of concern for his wife weighed less heavy on him, and I had a feeling within me of having done good.

We were still laughing as we walked through the door of the inn. Matthew Lumsden and John Innes were already there, at our favoured table between the front window and the side door of the inn. It had been a useful spot for Archie to watch and escape from, should anyone he did not wish to encounter be spied coming up the High Street. First Matthew, and then John got up and embraced me. ‘It has been too long, Alexander, too long.’

I took off my hat and sat down on my old seat by the door. ‘It has indeed, and the fault is all mine.’

‘Old friends need not speak of fault. Who amongst us is blameless?’

I studied the kind, open face. ‘You will never fall as I have done, John. You will never feel such shame you cannot look your friends in the eye.’

He laid his hand over mine. ‘“And thou mayest remember, and be confounded and never open thy mouth any more because of thy shame, when I am pacified toward thee for all that thou hast done, saith the Lord God.”’

‘Ezekiel chapter six, verse nine,’ I said. Matthew sighed audibly and slurped his beer.

John smiled. ‘I knew you could not have forgotten. That you have felt such shame is testament to God’s grace in you, his forgiveness.’

‘I see you are still too good, John,’ I said.

‘Too good by half,’ said Matthew as he beckoned the serving girl over to us. ‘They will make a bishop of him yet, if he is not careful.’

‘Hold your tongue, Matthew,’ said John, blushing a deeper red than was the hair on his head.

‘You still regent in the college here, then?’

John nodded as he took another draught of his ale. ‘Aye. I have the second class now, but the competition from the Marischal College in the New Town threatens our numbers.’

‘Pah,’ snorted Matthew contemptuously.

John put down his tankard. ‘Pah! Will not do, Matthew. What is your objection?’

Matthew had never been one for thinking before he spoke, but now he took a moment before his reply. ‘My objection is that the very place was founded as an affront to the Gordons. The Earl Marischal gave church land that was not his to give–’

‘Matthew,’ cautioned William.

‘That was not his to give,’ continued the Marquis of Huntly’s man, ‘to the burgh of Aberdeen in order to curry favour with the magistrates and wrest influence in the town from the marquis’s family. But worse than that, he planned to set it up as a seminary more narrow and joyless than Geneva. Thank God the old devil was too mean to match his endowment to his schemes.’

‘The earl’s intentions were nothing darker than to promote necessary learning in our corner of Scotland, where this college here had taken so long to throw off the slough of Rome. And there were many here who refused to take up the new methods of learning brought in from France by Andrew Melville.’

The very mention of Melville’s name was, I knew, guaranteed in itself to provoke an outburst of fury from Matthew. I was not to be disappointed. ‘Melville! Presbyterian upstart! Impertinent, disloyal–’

I feared for him, so evident to any who cared to listen was his sympathy with Rome.

‘And yet we are all friends,’ said William, ‘and will always be so, I hope, for all our differences. Let us pray God that matters of politics and religion may never come between us.’

‘Amen to that,’ chorused my friends. Our conversation had been drifting into dangerous waters, and I had learned in Banff that there were unseen currents in such waters. Looking around the inn, no Baillie Buchan, certainly, no rabid session clerk came into view, but who was to say that others were not to be similarly feared? I steered the conversation to safer ground, concerned suddenly that my friendship with Matthew might be used against us both. It had been agreed between William and myself that nothing should be said before the other two about the troubles in Banff, and especially that no mention should be made to Matthew of my commission to Straloch. His loyalty to Huntly had always made him rash.

The remainder of our meal passed in merry reminiscence of past deeds and some contemplation of future hopes. For my own part I would have been happy to listen to them all – William knew this and I think John saw it too, but Matthew would not have it. He was determined to draw from me some optimism, some plan for myself. He had never had much time for the ideas of the predestinarians. He had fallen himself many times, and confession before a mass priest in one of their many safe houses in Strathbogie had salved him of further conscience about it. He would not allow that my fall in the eyes of God and my disgrace before men had been inevitable, that the evil was inherent to me. Thus fallen, I knew I was counted amongst the damned.

‘It is nonsense, Alexander, and you must know it is. What? Because you took a girl to bed – and I have no doubt that is what is at the heart of the matter, but I will not press you on who she was – you have revealed yourself to be of the eternally damned? Well, if that be the case, my friend, you will find yourself the most feared man in the country, for why should you not now revel in your damnation? You are free now to murder, rape and rob without fear of further punishment in the afterlife since your course is already set.’

There was no disputing with Matthew when he was in this humour, so I did not attempt to. I only said, ‘I still have a conscience though, Matthew. I still know the law of God, and it binds me not to treat my fellow man with contempt in this life.’ Even as the words were in my mouth, the image of Patrick Davidson came again to my mind. ‘I shall try to do what I can in this world, come what might in the next.’