Steven Saylor - Catilina's riddle

'Therefore I counsel you to be resolute and to summon up whatever measure of courage you have. When you go into battle, remember that riches, honour, glory, and, what is more, your liberty and the future of your country are held in the hand that wields your weapon. If we win, we shall obtain all we need to continue; towns will open their gates to us with thanksgiving and we shall be showered with supplies. New recruits will join us, and we shall grow again in strength and numbers. The tide that flows against us will be turned and will carry us to glory. But if tear causes us to flinch, the whole world will turn against us: no one will shield a man whose own arms have failed to protect him.

'Keep in mind that our adversaries are not impelled by the same necessity as we are, nor by as just a cause. For you and me, country, justice, and liberty are at stake. They, on the other hand, have been ordered into battle to protect a ruling elite for which they can have little love. We have chosen our glorious course; we have endured exile and hardship; we have proclaimed to the world that we will not return to Rome with our heads bowed in shame, willing to live out our lives as the cringing subjects of unworthy rulers. The men we are to face, on the other hand, have already submitted to the yoke of their masters and closed their eyes to any other course. Which of these armies will show the more spirit, I ask you — those whose eyes are meekly cast down or those whose eyes are on the heavens?'

To this question Catilina received a great cheer, and among the other voices Meto's rang in my ears, crying out the name of his commander. The din went on and on. Swords were beaten against shields to produce a deafening clang. The noise died down, only to spring up again in a great roar that covered my arms with gooseflesh. At last Tongilius stepped forward and raised his arms for silence so that Catilina could go on.

He had begun his speech in a dry, sardonic tone, asifby his own brash example he could lend spirit to his men. But I think he was moved by their accolades, for he ended with a quaver in his voice. 'When I think of you, soldiers, and consider what you've already achieved, I have high hopes for victory. Your boldness and valour give me confidence. We will fight upon a plain. To our left are mountains, and to our right is rough, rocky ground. In this confined space, the enemy's superior numbers cannot encircle us. We shall face them man to man, with courage and just cause as our strongest weapons. But if, in spite of this, Fortune robs your valour of its just reward, do not sell your lives cheaply. Do not be taken and slaughtered like catde! Fight like men: let bloodshed and lamentation be the price that the enemy must pay for his bitter victory!'

Another cheer went up, echoing between the hills on either side. It was ended by blaring trumpets, calling for the troops to take up their battle formations. All around us men began to move with quick determination. Meto seized my arm with a bruising grip.

'Go now! If you take your horse, you may be able to escape the way you came, or else head up towards the pass and find some trail to lead you back down again when the battle's over.'

'Come with me, Meto. Show me the way.'

'No, Papa! My place is here.'

'Meto, the cause is hopeless! Never mind Catilina's speech. If you could have heard the way he spoke to me in the tent—'

'Papa, there's nothing you know that I do not. My eyes are open.'

And fixed on the heavens, I thought. 'Very well, then. Can you equip me with some sort of armour?' 'What?’

'If I'm to stay here and fight beside you, I'd like to have something more suitable than the dagger in my belt, though many of these wretches don't appear to have anything better.'

'No, Papa, you can't stay!'

'How dare you say that to me! Would you stand your ground and deny me the same honour?'

'But you've given it no thought—'

'No, Meto, on the journey here I had many hours to think. I imagined this moment long before it came. In my imagination it sometimes turned out considerably more to my liking, but sometimes it turned out much worse -1 thought I might find you dead without ever seeing you again, or find only a pit filled with dead bodies, with nothing to show me which was yours. This is better than that, and not as bad as I had feared. For one thing, I'm not as frightened as I thought I would be, at least not yet. No, Meto, this is my deliberate and premeditated choice, to fight beside my son.'

'No, Papa, it must be for Catilina, for what he represents, if it's to mean anything!'

'That is your cause, Meto; but very well, I'll fight for Catilina. Why not? The truth, Meto: if I had the power of Jupiter I'd wave a thunderbolt and give Catilina everything he wants. Why not? I'd resurrect Spartacus from the dust and let him have his way as well. I'd roll back time and see that Sulla was never born, or Cicero for that matter. I'd change the world in the blink of an eye, for better or worse, merely to see it changed into something different. But I cannot do those things, and neither can anyone else. So why not take up a rusty sword and run screaming into battle beside my son, for the glory of what he loves with all his foolish young heart?'

Meto looked at me for a long time with an unreadable expression in his eyes. He must believe I'm mad, or lying, or both, I thought. But when he finally spoke, he said: 'You are my father.'

'Yes, Meto. And you're my son.'

Men ran madly around us. Horses neighed, metal clanged on metal, officers shouted, trumpets blared. At last Meto took my arm. 'Come, hurry, I think there's enough spare armour in Catilina's tent to put something together for you!'

And so at the age of forty-seven I became a soldier for the first time in my life, outfitted in scraps of cast-off armour, wearing a coat of mail with half the scales missing and a much-dented helmet shaped like a hewn-off pumpkin, wielding a blunted sword for a hopeless cause under a doomed commander. I felt I must be approaching the very heart of the Labyrinth; I could almost smell the Minotaur's hot breath upon my face.

There is not much I can do to describe the battle, as I never knew quite where I was or quite what was happening. It seems that Catilina arrayed his forces in three parts, with Manlius on one side, another commander on the other, and himself in the centre surrounded by his ardent young followers and a picked body of well-armed fighting men, along with Meto and myself. We marched forward with Tongilius carrying the eagle standard until Catilina chose the spot where he would make his stand, and there Tongilius planted the standard in the ground. There was no cavalry, only infantry, for before the battle Catilina saw that all the horses were driven back towards the mountains. By doing this he showed his men that their commanders could not flee, and that their danger was shared by all alike.

The danger approached like a great crimson and silver tide, drawing towards us with a roar unlike anything I had ever heard. I know now how it must be for the enemies of Rome when they see their doom approaching. I was awed and horrified, and yet not frightened. Fear seemed pointless in the face of such catastrophe. Why should a simple man cringe with fear for his simple life, when the whole world was about to end in screaming madness?

I felt no regret, but I did feel something of a fool, for I could not help thinking to myself: stupid man, Bethesda will never forgive you for this. And it was that I feared, more than the jagged wall of steel bearing down on us.

I stayed close beside Meto, who stayed close beside Catilina. There was a great deal of running, sometimes from one side to the other, sometimes forward, but never back. I remember an arrow that whirred by my ear and struck a man behind me with a sickening thud. I remember soldiers, men I had never seen before, rushing towards me with swords in their hands and murder in their eyes; it all seemed so unlikely that I only wanted the nightmare to end. But the sword in my hand seemed to know what to do, so I followed it blindly.