Tasha Alexander - Tears of Pearl

“Then you do understand,” she said. “Everyone wants me to push the memory aside, but no matter what I do it comes back in my dreams.”

“There are some things that never leave you entirely.”

“I wish this would,” she said. “I can’t bear seeing it over and over.”

I reached for her hand. “I know. There’s no real comfort to be had, but perhaps helping us find Ceyden’s murderer will bring some small measure of relief.”

She pulled her hand away. “Nothing will make this better.”

“I won’t disagree,” I said.

Her eyes were hard. “What do you want from me?”

“Tell me what you saw that night.”

“The courtyard in which Ceyden was... that courtyard is one of my favorites. I like to read there on a comfortable bench near the fountain.”

“Were you reading that night?”

“No. It was already dark. I only meant to say that it wasn’t unusual for me to go there. That’s all.”

“Was Ceyden there when you arrived?” I asked.

“Of course she was.”

“Did you see the attack?”

“No! Wouldn’t I have told the sultan? Or the guards? Why would you ask such a thing?”

“You might have been afraid, Roxelana,” I said. “It would be understandable.”

She stared at me, her eyes still hard, but curves returning to her lips. “I nearly tripped over her.”

“And she was dead?”

“I suppose so. I was scared and ran off screaming at once.”

“Why?” I asked. “Why didn’t you assume she’d fallen or fainted?”

“Everything about her pose looked wrong. Nothing seemed natural, and I could tell at once something terrible had happened.”

“But you didn’t know she was dead?”

“No.” Her pupils were tiny dots. “Instinct told me it was bad—which is why I went for help.”

“Was there anyone else in the courtyard?”

“Not that I saw,” she said.

“But you’re not certain?”

“It was dark. I imagine it’s not impossible that someone was hiding in the shadows. Is that what you’d like me to say?”

“I’d like you to say the truth.” I bit the inside of my cheek, frustration pushing against me. “Do you have a reason not to want to?”

“No one ever wants to tell the truth in the harem,” she said. “But in this case, I’ve nothing to hide. I wish I’d seen something more.”

“Do you have things to hide in other cases?”

“You know nothing about the harem, do you?”

“Not enough. Enlighten me.”

She looked at me for a measured moment, then threw a short nod before starting to walk back towards the palace. “The sultan moved to Yıldız because he fears for his life and believes that Dolmabahçe was not secure.” Dolmabahçe was one of the palaces Colin had cited as being partly responsible for the decline of the Ottoman treasury. Its elegant cut-stone façade with rows of vaulted windows on both floors rose above the Bosphorus, the waters lapping below gleaming white wrought-iron fences. Its interior, designed partially to impress Western diplomats and visitors, was ornate and luxurious, a perfect exercise in excess.

“Why is that?”

“Because he is seized with unfathomable paranoia, and the palace’s location on the Bosphorus made him feel vulnerable. Of course, there is not much that does not make him feel vulnerable.”

“Are you close to him?”

“I have been noticed,” she said, turning away as hot color crept up her cheeks.

“Handkerchief dropped in front of you to alert you that you’ve been chosen for the night?” I had read more than my share of fantastical novels set in the seraglio and found the rituals of harem life fascinating.

“I hate to disappoint your Western romanticism, but that is not how it happens. Reality is much more prosaic. Most of us never have any contact with the sultan. We see him—from a safe distance—on formal occasions. It’s not so easy to catch his attention, though. Some manage, of course, but it takes a not inconsiderable effort.”

“How did you do it?”

“I didn’t. The valide sultan selected me for him.” I felt my face tighten as she spoke. “Barbaric, isn’t it? But there’s no handkerchief dropping. The k?zlar aas? —chief black eunuch—informs you that you’ve been chosen, and you’re off to the hamam to prepare. Generally the sultan sends a small gift.”

“Had you never spoken to him before you were summoned to him?”

“I’d never even seen him. Had done all I could to keep from drawing attention to myself. If I must be here, I will have a quiet life of contemplation. You do not understand in the slightest how I am tormented.”

“I’m so sorry,” I said. I could not imagine the horror of being sent to the bed of a man I knew not at all. Barbaric did not even approach a strong enough word.

“Most of the time, no one pays attention to me. My religious beliefs have kept me from becoming close to those around me.”

“You are not a Muslim?” I asked.

“And now, Lady Emily, you have discovered what it is that I need to hide. I’m a Christian. And every day—every night—that I spend with the sultan puts my soul in mortal danger. Have you any idea what it is to know that you are forced to live in sin?”

“Are you allowed—forgive me—to be Christian?” I asked.

“I do not speak of it to others. No one knows. I kneel in the direction of Mecca during times of prayer but recite my own words.”

“As a fellow Christian, I can assure you that if you are forced to do things—”

“The martyrs had the strength to stand up for their beliefs. I am not so brave, nor so virtuous. Now that I’ve spent the night with the sultan and am a gözde, I have better quarters and more privacy. If I am elevated further and become an ?kbal, or kadin —an official consort—my position would be better still. But I ought not be tempted by privacy and should have refused to go to him in the first place, regardless of the consequences.”

“What would the consequences have been?”

“I don’t know, but can well guess. No one rejects the sultan. The punishment would be unspeakable.”

“How did you come to your faith?”

“I have lots of time to myself here and fill most of my hours reading. One day I came upon a volume of Aquinas...” She sighed. “No, I must be honest with you. I asked for it—one in a long list of books I requested. One of our maids is a Christian, and I’ve heard her speak of the comfort it brings her—a comfort for which I have great need.”

“Why Aquinas?” I asked.

“She suggested his Summa Theologica to me. I devoured it and then moved on to every other of his works,” she said. “ ‘To convert somebody, go and take them by the hand and guide them.’ It was as if he spoke to me and took my hand in his own. And now, lacking the courage to refuse my sin, I have no option but to flee. Perhaps years of penance will compensate for my weakness.”

“You’re too hard on yourself,” I said.

“I will promise to aid your investigation in any way possible, but, please, please, Lady Emily—I implore that in exchange you help me find a way out of here.” We had reached the harem building, where a eunuch guard pulled open a door to let us in. “We can say nothing further of it now. Everything spoken in these walls runs through channels you can’t even imagine.”

“Shall we return outside?”

“Not with that man watching us,” she said. “Did you not see him in the trees?”

“No, I—”

The voice that interrupted me was not sharp, but startling regardless as it meandered, all soft bounces, through the stone corridor in which we stood.

“You would be in great danger were he not watching you.” The valide sultan, in a golden kaftan over pink-and-silver billowing Turkish trousers held in place with a diamond-encrusted girdle, slipped out from a doorway and took Roxelana’s arm, gripping with white knuckles. “It is time for you to go to the hamam . The sultan expects you tonight.”