David Wishart - Germanicus

'You want to wait here for me?' I said as casually as I could manage. 'This shouldn't take long.'

'Don't be silly, dear,' she sniffed. 'I haven't come all this way just to wait in a litter.'

Yeah, right. Oh, well, what the hell. It was her choice; and against the pig-headed stubbornness of women even the gods shrug their shoulders and call it a day.

'Okay.' I shrugged myself. 'But prepare to have your education broadened.'

'Certainly.' She smiled. 'I'm looking forward to it. I've never seen the inside of a brothel before. It is a brothel, isn't it?'

'Uh…Yeah. Yeah, sure. In a way. But not the kind you think it is.'

'You mean there are different kinds?'

Oh, Priapus on a see-saw! This was no time to explain the murkier facts of life. 'Believe it. And when we get inside just behave as normal, okay?' I paused. 'Revise that. Just don't say anything at all.'

We got out and I rapped on the door. A spyhole slipped back.

'Caelius Crispus in there, friend?' I said.

Maybe it was the name, or my seductive tones. Or it might've been the gold piece I was holding that did it. Anyway, the door swung open. I pushed Perilla ahead of me — she was muffled so you couldn't see that she didn't comply with the club's first rule of membership — and squeezed in behind.

I knew I'd asked too much of her. She took one wide eyed look round the glittering hallway with its fancy Corinthian decor and proceeded to remove any doubt over her credentials. Loudly.

'Corvinus, what are those two men doing over there?' she said. 'And why is that boy naked?'

Shit. I clapped a hand over her mouth before she could do any more damage, smiled my apologies and turned to the slave who'd let us in.

'Quick!' I snapped. 'Where's Crispus?'

The guy pointed silently and disapprovingly to a curtained alcove between two bronze satyrs. Bathyllus couldn't've done it better, even without the frizzy gilded hair and the tutu.

'Thanks, friend,' I said. Then, putting my mouth to Perilla's ear, I hissed: 'Okay, lady. Listen up. One more comment like that last one and you're divorced. Understand?' She nodded and I felt her mouth widen in a grin. I took my hand away carefully. 'Now stay right here and don't move a muscle until I tell you otherwise.'

I scratched at the curtain: whatever his bag was, Crispus had a right to privacy.

'Come in.'

Crispus's voice. I pushed the curtain aside. Luckily he was alone, reclining on a couch behind a low table set with a selection of expensive nibbles, including a pineapple. His jaw dropped a yard when he saw me. Two yards when he saw Perilla.

'Corvinus!' he said. 'What the hell are you doing here?'

'Broadening my wife's education.'

'For the gods’ sake!' He whipped a napkin over his naked appurtenances. 'You can't bring a woman in here!'

'Is that right?' I dropped the curtain behind us. 'Sorry. It must've slipped my mind.'

'This is an exclusive club!' He was fussing like a dowager whose butler has just appeared in the middle of a dinner party wearing nothing but a G-string. And I'd thought the guy was unshockable. Well, you learn something new every day.

'Okay, okay!' I sat down on the couch facing. 'Calm down, no problem. We'll be gone soon, promise.'

Perilla smiled sweetly at him. She was beginning to enjoy herself. I could tell.

'Delighted to meet you, Caelius Crispus,' she said. 'What a lovely club you have here. Who does the costumes?'

He went beetroot red and started spluttering. I turned round. 'Will you behave, lady? Please?'

'I'm sorry.' She sat down demurely on a stool to one side and folded her hands in her lap. 'There. Better?'

I glared at her. 'Look, cut it out, Perilla! Check out the wall paintings or something.' I checked them out myself. Jupiter! 'On second thoughts don't. Have a slice of pineapple.' I turned back to Crispus. 'Sorry. Domestic dispute. Where were we?'

'Corvinus, just go.' The guy was fiddling with his napkin. Now he was an interesting shade of puce. 'Both of you.'

'Sure.' I sat back. 'Gladly. Right after you explain why you lit a fire under your pal Regulus. And don't try to flannel or call for help because I can be very nasty when I like. If not now then later.'

'Look, I swear to you…'

'Don't swear. The lady doesn't like it.' I helped myself to a handful of raisins. 'Never mind the frills. Just the straight explanation, please.'

'Corvinus.' Crispus was sweating now. Really sweating. I should've thought of bringing Perilla along myself; she beat thumbscrews any day. 'Marcus. If it were just my secret, or even Regulus's, I'd tell you. Believe me.'

'I don't.'

'Of course you do! We're pals, Marcus. Only this thing's dangerous. You know what happened to Regulus.' Nervously, his fingers rubbed the space under his jawbone where a hook might just've fitted nicely. 'There're other people involved in this. Big people. You start sniffing around them and we're both dead.'

I was getting tired of this, and it was way past my bedtime. 'Come on, Crispus! Cut the crap and give! Or next time we meet you'd better have on a fast pair of sandals.'

The guy wasn't acting. I could smell his fear across the table, even above the smell of the perfume. However he was the only lead I'd got. I couldn't let up on him. No way.

'Okay,' he said at last. 'Okay. A compromise. I tell you one thing and you leave me alone. Otherwise I yell for help and you can go and fuck yourself. Deal?'

I didn't like it but I knew this was the best I'd get. 'Deal.'

'Fine.' He swallowed. 'Regulus was Piso's middleman.'

I waited. 'And?'

'That's it. All you get. Take it or leave it.'

I stared at him. 'Holy gods alive, Crispus! What the hell is this? Middleman for who? Doing what?'

'Find that out for yourself. That's all I'm saying.'

I thought about the napkin, then remembered Perilla. Maybe not. Instead, I reached over, grabbed the guy by his hair and pulled. 'Crispus, you bastard! Unless you…'

Which was as far as I got before the curtain was jerked open and a guy the size of the Capitol and made out of the same material stuck his head inside.

'You having problems with your guest, sir?' he growled. He was pointedly ignoring me. And Perilla. They breed their gorillas polite in the luxury market.

Crispus tore himself free and lay back gasping. I wiped my hair-oiled hand on my mantle.

'No, that's okay, Scorpio,' he said at last. 'Just a friendly argument. Valerius Corvinus was just leaving.' The bouncer held the curtain aside for me to walk through. Beyond it an exotic assortment of club members goggled. 'I'll see you around, Marcus. Maybe. No hard feelings, okay?'

'Yeah, sure.' If it hadn't been for Perilla I might've argued the toss, although more out of principle than sense with Tiny itching for an excuse to see how hard and how far I'd bounce. As it was, we left peaceably.

Maybe the bastard would be drummed out for bad form after all. I certainly hoped so.

Perilla kept pretty quiet on the way home. She opened her mouth once or twice and took a breath as if she were going to ask a question, but the question never came. I watched her covertly and grinned to myself.

Yeah, well, I had to admit I'd enjoyed myself, and so had she. Maybe we should go out clubbing more often.

Next morning I went for a haircut down to one of the barber shops off the Market Square. Sure, I had a barber of my own at home, but people don't go to one of those streetside places just to get scalped. You can pick up some juicy bits of gossip, and they're great for sitting thinking about life, the universe and murder. Which was more or less what I had in mind. I sat down in the chair, told the guy with the shears to use his own judgment, and settled back with my eyes closed.