Donald Westlake - What's So Funny?

"But it wasn't your fault."

"I'd just be a bad reminder."

Fiona said, "Can't your union do anything?"

"They'll try to find me another job."

"Well, this is intolerable," Mrs. W said, and whipped out her own cell phone. "We're not going to take this lying down, Brian. Never take anything lying down.".

"No, ma'am."

With the deftness of a master knitter, Mrs. W navigated her cell phone, marching through its address book to the person she wanted, then making the call. Fiona watched and said, "Who are you calling, Mrs. W?"

"Jay. We're not going to put up with this, my dear."

"But, you fired Jay today."

"Oh, nonsense," she said. "I fire him all the time, that doesn't— Jay? Livia. Well, we are also just finishing dinner. Half an hour? Perfect. Call me at home." Slapping the phone shut, she said, "We've finished our desserts. Fiona, dear, we'll have to go on ahead, so I'm afraid I must ask you to put this meal on your credit card and take a taxi home. I'll reimburse you, of course, tomorrow."

"But—"

"Come along, Brian," Mrs. W said, hurrying him ahead of her around the banquette and onto his feet.

Fiona said, "Should I come on to your place, Mrs. W?"

"I do not intend to spend all night on this, my dear," Mrs. W told her. "You go on home, and Brian will be along after he's explained the situation to Jay." She started off, then turned back to say, "Dear. Don't overtip."

The reason Fiona overslept is because Brian, having lived a normal regular life far longer than she had, was always the first one out of bed. This morning, without Brian, she slept until nearly nine o'clock, then woke from confused bad dreams with a sudden start.

Without Brian? No, his side of the bed wasn't rumpled. He hadn't…

He hadn't come home last night.

First things first. When she came out of the bathroom, she immediately phoned Mrs. W, and recognized Lucy's voice. "Hi, it's Fiona, can I talk to Mrs. W?"

"Oh, you just missed them."

"Just missed? Them?"

"They're on their way to Newark, they're flying to Palm Beach. For about a week, Mrs. W says."

"But who—"

"She says I should find out what she owes you for last night and she'll send you a check."

"But who—"

"She says," Lucy went on, "you had a terrible time of it, and you should take the rest of this week off, and everybody can start all over again next week."

"But who—"

"On salary, she said," Lucy explained.

" Lucy ! Who did Mrs. W go to Palm Beach with?"

Sounding surprised, Lucy said, "You didn't know? You had to know. She's taking your friend Brian down there to find him a much better job than he had at that cable station. Do you know how much you spent last night?"

"I'll have to, uh, I'll have to figure that out and call you back."

"Fine," Lucy said. "Mrs. W says she'll check in with me when they get to Palm Beach."

"They."

"Enjoy your vacation," Lucy said, and hung up.

So, a little later, did Fiona, though she continued to sit on the sofa in the big room, naked, alone, without breakfast, just looking around at what had suddenly become a very different space.

It must be in their genes, she thought. Her father stole my great-grandfather's future. And now she's stolen my boyfriend.

MR. HEMLOW'S STAFF specialized in the kind of breakfast that didn't merely stick to your ribs but weighed them down so much it was a real effort to keep your chin above the level of the table. As a result, it was nearly ten on Tuesday morning before anybody in the compound began to show any vital signs at all, and that was Tiny, whose storage capacity, of course, was larger than everyone else's, so his recovery time tended to be more rapid as well. At last he stood, roamed around the big living room, paused to gaze at the chessboard waiting for its armies, strolled over to the front door and stepped out onto the porch. He left the door open, since the crisp mountain air, while cold, was also a tonic for that logy feeling. A minute later he came back to the doorway to say, "Who moved the Caddy?"

Several mumbles answered him, and then Kelp said, "Nobody, it's over there by the garages."

Standing in the doorway, Tiny looked that way. "The van is over there by the garages. A couple little staff cars are over there by the garages. The Caddy isn't there."

"Impossible," Kelp said. "That's where I left it."

"The Caddy," Tiny told him, "is not something you don't notice."

"I don't get this," Kelp said. Struggling to his feet, he followed Tiny back out into the cold.

Dortmunder roused himself. "I don't like that," he said.

Stan, chin slipping below table level, said, "What don't you like?"

"None of us moved it," Dortmunder said. "That's what I don't like."

Pushing himself two-handed up from the table, he weaved toward the open door. Behind him, Mr. Hemlow said to the hovering servant girl, "Was the upstairs seen to here?"

"No, sir," she said. "Everybody was at the guesthouse and you stayed down here."

"Have somebody look around up there."

"Yes, sir, I'll go."

Dortmunder went out onto the porch. Tiny and Kelp stood where lately the Colossus had stood. They seemed to be discussing the garage, and now Kelp lifted that door, and a car was in there.

Dortmunder went down off the porch and walked over to the garage, and it was a beat-up gray PT Cruiser with New Jersey plates that had been scuffed up with mud to make them hard to read.

Kelp was just closing the driver's door when Dortmunder arrived. "The key's in it," he said, "but nothing personal."

"They were staying here," Dortmunder said, as Judson walked over to join them from the house. "Empty house in the woods, they were smart enough to get in without setting off the alarm."

Tiny said, "Who?"

"We'll never know," Dortmunder said. "The Caddy was in their way, to get at their car. I figure, first they just wanted to move the Caddy over, then they said, what the hell, our car's stolen anyway, let's take the nice one."

Judson said, "How's the chess set?"

Kelp, horror-struck, looked away downhill. "The chess set!"

"Gone," Dortmunder told him.

"I gotta go— I gotta—"

Kelp, with Judson right behind him, climbed into the van. Dortmunder and Tiny turned and made their silent way back to the house, where Dortmunder found a nice old rocking chair not too close to the fire and sat there and waited for events to unfold.

They didn't take long. Kelp and Judson came back with the news that the green tarps were still there. The servant girl came downstairs with a slender pair of cherry-red panties. "They were under a pillow," she said. "What made me look, the bed wasn't made the way we make it."

"How could this have happened?" Mr. Hemlow wanted to know. He'd developed an extra two or three rumba routines this morning.

The answer arrived soon, in the person of Eppick, who came back from inspecting the rear entrance to the compound. "It's been rigged so you can bypass it, if you know how. It doesn't show itself to the eye, but if you know how you can get in. And out."

Mr. Hemlow said, "Johnny, you came up here with John to make sure the place was still secure."

"That was four months ago, Mr. Hemlow. I didn't do any sweep this time. We're all staying here."

Kelp said, "Mr. Hemlow, this is a blow to everybody, but at least you know one thing for sure. The chess set isn't ever going back to the Northwoods."

"Nor is it going," Mr. Hemlow said, "in any fashion at all, to its rightful inheritors."

Tiny, not sympathetic, said, "They can't miss what they didn't have."

"I keep reminding myself," Mr. Hemlow said, "just yesterday, I saw all those pieces, out there, beside the driveway. The lost chess set. I saw it, if only just the once, with these eyes."