Jill Churchill: Grime and Punishment

“Yes. But there are two big problems. First, Edith isn't working this week. There's no way we'd get her to cooperate with this. Don't forget, she's as much a criminal in her own way as thekiller. She's hardly going to willingly become bait for her own blackmail victim."

“Yes, but if you insist — Shelley, you can do it. You're the best 'insister' I know.”

Shelley shook her head emphatically. "That gets us to the second problem. I have a strong premonition that the police aren't going to welcome this solution. It just doesn't seem the tried and true method."

“But, Shelley, I've got that figured out too. This is the sneaky part you're going to love. We don't tell them!”

Shelley sat back, shaking her head. "No way. We can't stage this whole thing by ourselves. For one thing, I just want the criminal caught: I don't want to do the catching myself."

“No, wait! I didn't mean we never tell the police. I just meant we set it all up and then tell them."

“Hmmm — not bad. So we get the story out that the house is going to be empty with only Edith here, then we suggest to the cops that they take it from there? They can't tell me I can't tell people anything I want, can they? And once it's already set up, they might use the opportunity, no matter how irregular they think it is."

“Sure. We've got nothing to lose."

“Jane, we have everything to lose. But I want the killer arrested so I can have my family back. All right. How do we get everybody here?"

“I've got some ideas on that…”

Within fifteen minutes they had a story worked out. "Who do we try it on first?"

“How about Mary Ellen Revere? She's not mad at us yet."

“Good enough. She's smart. If we can fool her, we can fool anybody.”

Shelley picked up the phone, dialed, and said, "Mary Ellen? Shelley. With all the horrible stuff that happened last week, I lost sight of the fact that we're supposed to turn in a report on the committee's work on that playground project. I'm afraid we really do need to have a meeting as soon as possible— That's nice of you, but I can have it here — I'd like to try again for this Thursday night, that's the best night for me — Yes, potluck again, just bring the same thing I assigned last week. That's less confusing — Good. Now, there's one little difficulty, and I'm a little embarrassed to tell you. It's really a bit ghoulish—”

She looked over at Jane and crossed her fingers as she went on. "Jane and I promised to take her aunt in Evanston to the doctor that day, so neither of us will be around— No, it takes both of us. The poor old dear is in a wheelchair— Yes, in Evanston. You haven't ever heard Jane mention her? That's funny, it seems to me that she talks about her all the time—”

She listened for a minute, looked uncomfortable, and said, "I guess I don't either sometimes. Now, the house will be open, of course. It's Edith's day. What? — She's not? Well, she'd better come here on Thursday. I paid in advance for the first month, and the Happy Helper people are going to give me what I paid for or I'll know the reason why!”

Jane nervously paced around the kitchen while Shelley finished up the call. When Shelley hung up, she pounced. "It worked!"

“She was pissed that I was going to have Edith, come hell or high water, when she couldn't get her this week, but I think I convinced her I could do it."

“What was that other stuff? About me and my fictional aunt in Evanston?”

Shelley laughed. "She said she probably hadn't been paying attention when you mentioned her, and went on to say that she often tuned you out because you talk so much."

“And I thought she was hanging on my every word," Jane said, smiling. "All right. Who's next?"

“Why don't I go down the list and call you when I'm done? You better go home before he sends the National Guard to fetch you."

“Right. Shelley, this is going to work, isn't it?"

“It better, or we're going to both have to move to Alaska to escape our neighbors and the wrath of the police.”

The phone rang at 10:10.

“I'll get it upstairs," Jane said, sprinting up the steps, leaving Uncle Jim and the kids looking at her like she'd gone around the bend.

“Sorry it took me so long. I couldn't get Suzie until a few minutes ago," Shelley began.

“So, did they all buy it?"

“All but Suzie. She just laughed and said, 'Ah-hah! A trap!' and when I said I had no idea what she meant, she said, 'I didn't come to town on a turnip truck, but I'll play along anyway.' But she wasn't the worst."

“Robbie?"

“You betcha. I think she believed it, but she didn't like it. She would have hung up, but I talked so fast she didn't have a chance. I apologized up a storm and said we'd just gone temporarily insane from the stress and we'd never do a thing like that again."

“Did she forgive us?"

“Not so's you'd notice."

“She agreed to come?"

“Only out of duty. She said she'd made a moral commitment to the playground, otherwise she'd never set foot in my home again. In the end, she paraphrased Nixon. She said when the committee work was done, we wouldn't have Robbie to kick around any more."

“What does that mean?"

“I have no idea, Jane, but it made me feel like shit."

“What about our friend Lucrezia Greenway?"

“Huh? Oh, Joyce. You're speaking figuratively again. No wonder Mary Ellen doesn't listen to you half the time. Say — poison! What an awful idea. What if one of them brings poisoned food?"

“Now whose imagination is running away with them?" She heard someone coming up the stairs and lowered her voice. "What about Joyce?"

“She agreed to come, and even to bring food, but I had to lie and say you couldn't attend the meeting. Dorothy Wallenberg must have been busy with something else, 'cause she didn't even question the idea. She just said, 'Yes, yes, all right. Let me write it on my calendar. Goodbye.' "

“Who's left? Oh, Laura Stapler. I'll bet she was crazy about it."

“Nearly wet her pants. I could tell over the phone. It was a tough fight, and I nearly bought a security system before it was over. She eventually agreed to come, but said she'd probably have her husband bring her dish for her."

“So we've got it all set up. Now all we have to do is tell the police.”

There was a long silence on the other end. "Shelley?"

“Yeah. Who's going to do that? I've already called the committee. And I'm the one who has to arrange to get Edith here. I think it's your turn."

“Shelley, I'll never ask you to give me another permanent."

“Not good enough."

“I'll drive all your car pools the week before Christmas when the kids are berserk.”

“Getting closer."

“I'll give you all my grocery store coupons.”

“They're probably outdated."

“Oh, all right." She took a deep breath and said, miserably, "I'll take your place as fifth-grade room-mother."

“All of the above."

“Yes."

“It's a deal. I'll call in and report what we've set up first thing in the morning. No point in ruining the whole night for our poor Detective VanDyne. I'll call you when I've talked to him."

“There won't be any need. The shock waves will probably flatten my house.”

venty-two She was right.

All went well enough through the morning rush. Shelley called to say she'd talked to the Happy Helper people and they'd promised to deliver Edith the next day. Jane started to ask her how she'd managed it, but refrained. Shelley's methods were sometimes better left unexamined. It was enough that she'd accomplished her goal. By the time everyone was off to school and the animals fed, Jane started getting nervous. Uncle Jim was going to work today, and was downing the last of his French toast when the phone rang. A vaguely familiar and frigidly cold voice asked for him, a voice that sounded suspiciously like Detective Van-Dyne in a very poor frame of mind.