Jill Churchill: The Accidental Florist

"It's this. I'll just hit you with it. And you can smack me upside the head for saying it. My mother will do the rehearsal dinner."

"That's what she's supposed to do."

"She wants to do the whole wedding as well." Mel bent his head, waiting for her reaction.

Jane laughed like a loon. "Do you think this is a surprise to me? I've met your mother, remember. It's just what I'd expect her to do. Roll over everybody with a tank."

"You're not angry?" Chapter

THREE

J

ane said, "No, I'm not angry. Before I asked you about the ring, I gave a lot of thought to a wedding. Here is how it's going to go. First, it happens when my parents can be there. They're in Denmark right now. Dad's translating for some Americans who want a contract to do something about drainage in Denmark.

"Second, when my parents come, we'll have the real

wedding in front of a judge with just family. Shelley, as my

matron of honor, my kids, I probably have to invite my

mother-in-law, Thelma, and whoever you want as best man.

"Third, Mel, there are things your mother cannot do.

That Christmas she spent here she asked me what the

green and white leaves I had in a bowl were called. I told

her they were ivy. She said she had some sort of the same

thing on a tree in her yard, but it was bigger, darker, and never got red berries. I had to explain that they didn't get berries. Those were red beads I'd glued on. She wouldn't know a lily from a rose. So that's why I'mgoing to make the choice of flowers for my bouquet, and the flowers on the dining tables. I'll write all this down so you can tell her about it. And I'll also pay for the flowers and mail her a copy of the rules for her fake wedding. So she can't choose the flowers for the wedding she wants to do. And she can't suggest what I wear."

Mel, looking poleaxed, said, "Could your uncle Jim be my best man? I've always admired him."

"Good. That's who I would have suggested. He thinks the world of both of us.

"So that's settled." She didn't want to get distracted from her main theme. "There is a fourth set of rules. Your mother can foot the bill for the second wedding. She can choose the food. She can choose the wine and invite mobs of her professional friends. She can't add bridesmaids who are the wives, girlfriends, or daughters of her rich clients. Same for groomsmen. She doesn't choose the hotel or church where the wedding will be held."

"She's not going to like this, Janey."

"`Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn,' to quote Rhett Butler. It's our fake wedding. And the bride and her parents make the decisions. I know they would agree with me since your mother has demanded to run the whole thing. You have to stand up to your mother on this or there's only the one wedding at the judge's chambers."

Mel put his hands over his ears, and suddenly started laughing. "Whatever you say. I wish you could be around when I tell her this. But you can't be. Because she's going to be very nasty about it. Will you do me a favor in return?"

"Probably. What is it?"

"Wear that gorgeous emerald-colored suit Shelley made you buy. You look beautiful in that. And I want your uncle Jim to be best man for both weddings."

"That's doable. You really are my heart's desire." She started to tear up and Mel put his arms around her and kissed her forehead.

Jane's father couldn't get out of his translating duties for the Danes until the end of July, but her mother could come. Jane found this unacceptable. She didn't care when the wedding took place and Mel didn't either. So they'd wait till both of her parents could be there.

In the meantime, Jane started making lists. What closets would need to be purged? At least two.

How many more towels would she need when she was married. "Go for it," she said out loud. "Buy all new ones. Blue for him. Pink for me."

Another thing was getting the other half of the garage cleaned out. She'd gone to look it over and there wasn't a thing in the other half that was worth more than a couple of bucks. Old tablecloths that had mildewed, the lawn mower, a leaf blower, a snow blower, even a lot of the kids'

old, dirty, disintegrating toys. If Todd wanted that half a million LEGOs, he'd have to find a different place to store them or give them away to somebody younger.

Meanwhile, she'd go pick out an attractive shed to put at the side of the house to keep all those tools in. She'd go to Sears and make them bring one out and put it together. Then she'd hire some local teenage boys from the neighborhood to move everything into it. In fact, Shelley's son, John, would probably be glad to do it for the right amount of money. She'd ask Shelley about it.

And what about that beat-up desk and disgraceful butt-sprung chair Mel loved to use when he was working at home? Where would that go?

Todd's room? He'd moved his desk and bed into Mike's bedroom. Mike might want it back someday.

What about extending the house at the back behind the dining room? She could afford it. Thanks to her dead ex-husband's will, she had a perpetual third interest in the Jeffry family pharmacy because she'd contributed a substantial sum she'd inherited from a great-grandmother when the single Jeffry Pharmacy was about to file for bankruptcy.

They'd expanded all around Chicago over the years

and she'd been able to pay for the kids' colleges as the

Jeffrys' business spread. Now there were two more nearly

ready to open in a pricey neighborhood in St. Louis and

another in Indianapolis. She could afford to make Mel his

own office. What a good wedding present that would be!

It couldn't be a surprise, however. He'd want to be

involved. And he could figure where the windows would be, where to put his files, the desk and chair, and the old cowboy lamp he'd had as a boy.

Jane went to Shelley's house as soon as Mel left. She explained about the rules she'd made for Addie's wedding after the real wedding with just her own family and Shelley's.

Shelley said, "I'm so proud of you! You'd thought this all out and were ready. But where does Addie get her money? When she stayed here that Christmas, she was talking to someone about hauling around celebrities. That can't be all that profitable."

"She only did that for two years," Jane explained. "Then she studied to be a Realtor. And stole all the richest people from everyone else. But there's a payoff."

"What payoff?"

Jane told her that Mel had already insisted that the two of them needed to attend four classes in Women's Safety.

"Why? We're careful already. We don't go out cruising bars in the evenings."

Jane explained Mel's reasoning, and Shelley admitted he might have a good point. And it might even be interesting.

While Jane was planning all she had to do before the wedding, she and Shelley went to take their first class in Women's Safety. On the way, Jane said, "I e-mailed my

dad that I was going to marry Mel and wanted them here. He e-mailed back, `Please tell me you're not pregnant.' He has a good sense of humor — he thinks."

The class was held on the ground floor of one of the buildings in a group of middle-class apartment buildings with what appeared to be a little-used community center in the middle of them. There were grocery stores, florists, and drugstores on the ground floors of a lot of them.

Most of the class had already assembled. There were only seven of them at the meeting. The leader called them to attention. She was something of a surprise. She looked to be around fifty years of age, but Mel had referred to her as an old lady.

Jane whispered this fact to Shelley. "We're getting closer to being fifty ourselves."

"Never say that again," Shelley snapped. "She must be older than we think. Lots of plastic surgery until you look at the turkey skin on her throat."