Jill Churchill - The Accidental Florist

"That she'd think about it when I sent her a proper invitation."

"I wish I could be a fly on the wall," Shelley said. "Call me the moment your luncheon with Thelma is over."

Jane made a point of being early to arrive at the restaurant so she could choose a table where they could eat and speak in privacy. Jane was wearing a black skirt, hose, and heels and a bright yellow short-sleeved summer sweater. She went to wait at the bar and smoke one of her rare cigarettes to fortify herself. She'd already put it out, paid for her drink and the tip, when Thelma marched in the door.

The waiter showed them to the corner booth. Thelma was dressed in her old-fashioned best, clutching a big purse and a maroon leather folder, which she put down next to her chair.

"It's been a long time since we've seen each other," she said accusingly.

"Only a month ago," Jane reminded her. "I had you and Ted, Dixie, and their darling little girls for Todd's birthday."

Thelma frowned. "So silly of them to take on those Chinese babies. How can they pretend they gave birth to them?"

"I doubt they're pretending any such thing,"Jane said.

Ted, Jane's much younger brother-in-law, and his wife, Dixie, had been trying to have babies ever since Jane's kids were in grade school and never managed it. Jane admired them for finally, almost middle-aged, going to China to bring those pretty little sisters home with them. Jane thought they were adorable. Naturally this got Thelma's goat. Chinese granddaughters had never been among her priorities. They weren't "like us" she'd said at the birthday party in front of everyone. "They have straight black hair and funny-looking eyes."

Jane, fuming over the memory, studied her menu.

Thelma said, "I see you've already bought a drink."

"It's just a mild Chianti. I won't get falling-down drunk, if that was what you're implying."

Thelma glared at her. "I'll just have coffee."

The waiter then took their food orders. Jane asked for a simple shrimp salad. Thelma ordered a chicken pot pie. The restaurant was famous for their pot pies done with real puff pastry and delicious vegetables and interesting spices.

"While we eat, I'll come to the point,"Thelma said picking up the leather folder and bringing out a document.

Thelma's copy of Steve's will. What on earth was she up to? Jane wondered.

Thelma handed it over. "Take a look at this."

"I don't need to,"Jane said. "I have my own copy in my lockbox at the bank."

"Look through it anyway," Thelma ordered.

Stapled to the back page was a typed notice of anamendment saying, "Should Jane remarry, this contract becomes null and void." There was Steve's signature below it, and two church ladies' signatures as witnesses.

Jane's first impulse was to laugh at Thelma's incompetence, but she said quietly, "That's not anything like Steve's signature. You wrote it. You are a forger. And this is typed on that fake handwriting typewriter I gave you years ago. I'm going to audit the company books. If you dare try to enforce this, I'll take you to court and you'll either go to jail or be laughed out of court as a demented old woman and a forger. That's a crime."

Jane fished in her purse and threw down a twenty-dollar bill and a five. "This will pay for my lunch with a good tip. You can take my salad home to eat yourself."

Jane rose and walked out of the restaurant without looking back.

"NO!" Shelley exclaimed.

She put her head down on her kitchen table, half laughing, half enraged.

"Yes. A forged addendum to Steve's will. I threatened to take her to court and hire an auditor to go over her books. I need to call Ted and warn him about this. I don't want him to think I distrust him."

Shelley sat back up. "Can you conduct an audit?" "Why not?"

"I think you'd have to get a court order or something. You're not a partner."

"But I am. I'm listed in the real will as `his third share in perpetuity should he predecease me per stirpes should we have children.'"

"What's per stirpes?"

"By natural birth, as opposed to adoption. We didn't even have children when this was written. Nor did he plan to die before me. I threatened Thelma with going to jail for forgery."

"You didn't!"

"I did. And I'll do it if she tries to pull this off. The awful woman."

Shelley grinned. "You should lock your mother-in-law and Mel's mother in a room and wait and see who comes out alive."

Jane laughed. "What fun that would be."

"So you just walked out on her?"

"I threw down a twenty and a five and told her to take my meal home when it came and walked straight out of the restaurant."

"You're a better woman than I am," Shelley said. "I'd have thrown a glass of ice water in her face first."

"She'd have had me arrested for assault." Jane giggled. "At least I gave Thelma a good scare. I forgot to mention that she doesn't seem to consider Ted and Dixie's children as her grandchildren. When Ted and Dixie brought them to dinner for Todd's birthday, she acted as if they weren't even there."

"Why not? Because they're Chinese?"

"Of course. She's a bigot as well as a forger."

"Jane, how have you managed to put up with her for all these years?"

"The same way you put up with Paul's sister Constanza. She's the same kind of snoopy, overbearing woman. We could put Thelma, Addie, and Constanza in a locked room and see which one comes out alive."

Shelley laughed and said, "So you didn't eat lunch. Neither have I. Let's go back to the restaurant and gorge." "What if Thelma's still there?"

"Who cares?"

"You're right. I was really looking forward to that shrimp salad I ordered."

Thelma had left and both Jane and Shelley had the shrimp salad. Unfortunately the same waiter who had earlier taken Jane's order took the same order again. Seeing his confusion, Jane said, "I had an emergency call on my cell phone and had to leave. The emergency is over. I hope the lady I was with took my order home."

"So she did," the waiter said. "And she looked quite angry as she left."

Jane didn't speak until he was gone and grinned at Shelley. "Mad as a hornet."

When they'd both finished eating, Shelley said, not surprisingly, "Let's go shopping for what you want to wear for your other mother-in-law's wedding."

They found a long, slim black almost floor-length silk skirt that fit Jane perfectly. She wanted to see it at least three times from the back. "That's the view the whole audience will see."

To their delight, the clerk tapped at the dressing room door and said, "There is a matching jacket for this. Would you like to see it?"

"Oh yes," the two of them said in unison.

The clerk returned with the jacket in two sizes. The first looked droopy. The second was perfect. Cut in a princess style to show off that she still had a waist, she said, "I'll take this, too. Thank you."

Shelley said, "You haven't even looked at the price tags."

"I hope both are expensive. It would make me happy to spend what Thelma thinks I wouldn't be able to afford if she'd put herself in such a greedy, grasping plot to take away my third of the pharmacy profits."

Shelley grinned. "You're absolutely right, Jane. Now let's see if we can find a blouse in carmine red while you're in a throwing-away money mode."

They failed to find the right blouse at the store where they got the suit, and Jane said, "That's okay. In fact, it's a good thing. We should have checked at the tux place to see if they have carmine cummerbunds. Or we could make some to match when we do find the right blouse. But we could pick the shoes today."

"I don't think so. We probably need to make sure you have the right color carmine shoes."

Chapter

TEN

T

hey struck out on finding a good blouse and Jane said, "I'm sick to death of shopping. Maybe I have something at home I could wear."