William Johnston: Get Smart!

“Silence!” Noel said again.

“Sorry. I just can’t resist the opportunity to explain these little inside technical aspects.”

Once more, Noel spoke to Fred. “This is what I can offer you,” she said. “Your own apartment on the Champs Elysees. A credit card-paid up-with Carte Blanche. An introduction to Brigitte Bardot.”

Max whispered to Blossom. “There’s a clue there. Keep listening; a slip of the tongue, and she may reveal her client.”

“I, too, offer you a choice,” Noel said to Fred. “You can come with me peacefully, or I will put a bullet through your main transistor. You have two seconds to decide!”

“Don’t listen to her,” Max said to Fred. “I’ll match her offer-item for item-and throw in seventy-five cents cash!”

“Silence!” To Fred, she said, “The time is fleeting!”

“Or, to put it another way,” Max said, “tempus fugits, eh?”

“Exactly,” Noel nodded.

“A-ha!” Max cried. “I’ve got it! You’re Panamanian!” To Blossom, he explained, “I had a teacher in sixth grade who used that phrase. ‘Tempus fugit, tempus fugit,’ she kept saying. She was Panamanian as — ”

“Siiiiiiilence!” Noel shrieked.

“Can’t take the pressure, eh?” Max said smugly.

“What is your decision?” Noel said to Fred.

Fred’s arm came up. He dropped the nickel in, and pushed down his lever. “Peep-a-dotta, poop-a-dotta, dippa-dotta-boop!” His eyes rolled three lemons. He spoke:

“Woman who sits on firecracker should watch out behind!”

“His needle’s stuck,” Max said.

“No… look!” Blossom said, pointing.

They all looked.

Boris had appeared in the doorway. He was dripping wet; a pool of water began to form at his feet. He was gripping an automatic pistol that was even larger and more evil-looking than the one Noel was holding.

“Stuck ’em up!” Boris commanded.

Noel’s arms flew skyward; her gun clattered to the floor.

Relieved, Max lowered his arms. “You got here just in the nick of time,” he said to Boris. “Difficult as it is to believe, this nice little girl from Paree, Illinois, has turned out to be a FLAG agent. She works for-”

“Ah-ah-ah! No names!” Boris cautioned. “And stuck up your hands!”

“I think you’re a little confused, Boris,” Max said, raising his arms again. “It’s the young lady here who’s the FLAG agent. I’m the Good Guy.”

“How do I know?” Boris said. “I am only a simple tourist from Zinzinotti, Alleybama. To me, simple tourist that I am, there is only one solution. I will shoot you both.”

“Peeeg!” Noel snarled.

“That’s Panamanian,” Max explained to Boris. “And, about that other thing-let’s talk it over. I think you’d feel very foolish if you shot us both, and then discovered later that you’d shot a genuine Good Guy along with a Bad Guy. I might add that it certainly wouldn’t enhance the reputation of Zinzinotti, Alleybama. I’m afraid you’d get a good knuckle-rapping once you got back home.”

“Talk, talk, talk!” Boris growled. “Enough talk! Now, shoot!” He aimed the pistol directly at Max.

“Hold on there!” Max said. “Since you won’t listen to reason, let’s try a little subterfuge. It just so happens that this building is surrounded by a battalion of troops from the Fifth Armored Division. Pull that trigger, and you’re a doomed man!”

“You are insane!”

“Don’t believe it, eh? All right, would you believe: fifty motorcycle cops and a troop of Boy Scouts?”

“Prepare to die!”

“In that case, would you believe: a troop of Girl Scouts armed with rock-hard Girl Scout cookies?”

Boris aimed the pistol. “On the count of three. One… two.. ”

“Last chance,” Max said. “Would you believe: one small boy with a water pistol?”

“Three!” Boris counted. He pulled the trigger. The pistol clicked. A drop of river water fell from the end of the barrel.

Max stared. “I must have magic powers. All I said was ‘water pistol.’ ”

Again, frantically now, Boris pulled the trigger. “Click!”

“This comes as a complete surprise to me,” Max said. “I had no idea I was magic.”

Boris pulled the trigger of his gun rapidly. “Click… click.. click… click… click… click…”

“Now I’ll try something really difficult,” Max said. “Allakazam and hocus-pocus… I command a full battalion of the Fifth Armored Division to appear.”

They all turned expectantly to the doorway.

But nothing happened.

“Maybe that was asking a little too much,” Max said. “Allakazam and hocus-pocus… how about one teensy-weensy motorcycle cop… off-duty if necessary.”

Still nothing.

Max shook his head puzzledly. “What am I doing wrong?”

“Rorff!”

“I beg your pardon!” Max said coolly. “It just so happens that ‘allakazam’ is so spelled with two l’s.”

“Click… click… click… click… click!” went Boris’s gun.

“Okay, two can play at that game,” Max said. He whipped out his own pistol, took dead aim on Boris, and pulled the trigger. “Click!” went the pistol. A drop of river water fell from the barrel.

Boris fired again. “Click!”

Max’s turn. “Click… click… click… click!”

Boris. “Click… click… click!”

Max. “Click… click… click!”

Then silence.

Both Max and Boris continued to pull their triggers, but there was no sound.

“I think we’re out of ammunition,” Max said finally. Then, thinking fast, he turned to Blossom and said, “Quick… get the girl’s gun!”

Noel’s arms were still in the air, and her pistol was still on the floor.

Blossom snatched up the gun.

“Good work!” Max said.

Blossom handed the gun to Noel. “Here you are… you dropped your gun!”

“No! No! No!” Max bellowed.

“But you said-”

“I said ‘get’ her gun, I didn’t say ‘give it to her.’ ”

“But it’s her gun!”

“The third rule!” Max raged. “Never give the enemy his gun back!”

“Well, how should I know!” Blossom wept. “I’m not a professional!”

“All right, all right,” Max sighed. “I guess that’s how you learn-by making mistakes.” He spoke to Noel. “Look, could we run through that again. You put the gun back, and I’ll say to her, ‘Quick

… get the girl’s-.’ ”

“Siiiiilence!” Noel screamed.

“For a secret agent, you certainly are touchy,” Max grumbled.

“You!” Noel said, addressing Fred. “You will accompany me!” To the others, she said, “If there is any attempt to follow us, I will destroy Fred. If you value his mechanism, believe me. For those are my orders!”

“I hardly think that last was necessary,” Max said, hurt. “I would never call a lady a liar.”

Boris stepped forward-hands up. “Perhaps we can come to an agreement,” he said to Noel.

“Good old Boris,” Max commented to Blossom. “In there right to the last trying to save the day for us.”

“What’s your deal?” Noel said warily to Boris.

“I will swap you one secret agent, one lady inventor and a mangy dog for Fred,” said Boris. “And I will throw in two pistols, which, when drained, will work just like new.”

“Is that a friend, or is that a friend!” Max said to Blossom. “It’s probably everything he owns.”

“What kind of a deal is that!” Noel scoffed. “You’re trying to trade me something I already have, and don’t want, for something I also have, and do want.”

Boris shrugged. “I am a poor man. I can only give what is someone else’s.”

“No deal!” Noel snapped.

“Good try, anyway,” Max said to Boris.