William Johnston - And Loving It!

Chief: Well, I just don’t have any other suggestions, Max. But don’t give up. Keep thinking. Maybe you’ll work it out. If you do, give me a call and tell me how you did it. If you don’t. . well, don’t bother to call.

Max: Thank you for those encouraging words, Chief.

Chief: And say goodbye forever to 99 for me.

Max: Actually, Chief, 99 may come out of this all right. I’m hoping that when we hit the oil she’ll float.

Operator: Tell her if she does to contact Ed Sullivan the minute she gets out of the well. He’d be crazy to introduce her from the audience.

Max: I’ll tell her. Goodbye, Chief. Goodbye, Operator.

Chief: I won’t say goodbye, Max. I’m sure you’ll think of some way to escape.

Operator: I’ll say goodbye, Max. I don’t think you could think your way out of a paper bag.

Max: Supervisor!

(click)

Max looked over the side of the bucket into the well. “I thought it was getting a little warm in this bucket,” he said. “We’re only about three yards from the hot breaths of those alligators.”

“Crocodiles,” 99 corrected.

“99, if I want to know the difference between a crocodile and an alligator, I’ll go to a better authority than the Staten Island Ferry.”

The bucket dropped another few inches.

“It won’t be long now, 99,” Max said grimly, looking down into the boiling oil again. “If you have any last words, now’s the time to speak up.”

“Tooooot! Tooooot!” 99 whistled.

“Nicely put,” Max nodded.

The bucket dropped to below the top rim of the well. Max stood up and looked at the guard speculatively. “I wonder. .” he murmured. “99, if he was hypnotized by a flash of light, why couldn’t he be unhypnotized by a flash of light?”

“Don’t talk to me while I’m docking,” 99 replied. “Docking is a very tricky business.”

“If I had a flash of light, maybe I could flash it in his eyes and break the spell,” Max said. “But where would I get a flash of light?”

“Will you hold still while I’m docking, please,” 99 complained. “You’re rocking the boat.”

“Sorry, 99. I was shifting around because of that beam of moonlight that’s shining in the dungeon window and hitting me in the eyes.”

“You made me bump the pier.”

“I said I’m sorry.”

“All right. But will you please step out of the way?”

“Pardon?”

“My passengers want to get off.”

“Oh.”

Max moved. The beam of moonlight hit him in the eyes again. “If I could just figure out how to create a flash of light,” he muttered. “But I can’t think with that light in my eyes.”

“Will you move again, please. My Staten Island passengers want to board.”

“Yes. . all right. . Say, would you ask them if they have any idea how I could- The moonlight! Why can’t I use that!” He opened 99’s purse and got her hand mirror from it. Then, holding it up, he caught the reflection of moonlight in it and flashed it against the wall of the dungeon. “Perfect! Now, if I can just flash the light in the guard’s eyes!”

“Will you fasten your seat belt, please,” 99 said. “I’m about to embark.”

“That’s an airliner, 99, not a ferry boat.”

Max flashed the light at the guard, trying to shine it in his eyes. But the guard was squirming too vigorously.

“Man the lifeboats!” 99 cried.

“What seems to be the problem?” Max asked.

“I’m about to ram a lighthouse!”

“99, that isn’t a lighthouse. That’s me. I’m flashing a light around, trying to unhypnotize that guard.”

Again, Max attempted to shine the light in the guard’s eyes. But the guard simply would not hold still long enough. Finally, Max gave up.

“We’re sunk, 99,” he said dismally.

“Shhh! Don’t let my passengers hear you say that!”

“They might as well know the worst. There is no possible way for us to survive. And it’s all the fault of that KAOS agent, V. T. Brattleboro. What a double-dealer! Although, I don’t know why I expected any more. A KAOS agent is the lowest form of life.”

At that instant, the guard, who had been six feet tall, skinny and bareheaded, stopped giggling and squirming, became short, fat and topped by a derby hat, and leaned over the edge of the well and said indignantly, “Oh, yeah!”

“V. T. Brattleboro!”

“Come out from behind that ferry boat and say that!” the KAOS agent said threateningly. “I dare you!”

“So it’s you, is it!” Max replied. “Mister Bad Guy in person! You just pull me out of this well and I’ll thrash you to within an inch of your lowest form of life!”

“You and who else!” Brattleboro sneered.

“Me and my ferry boat, that’s who!”

Furious, Brattleboro grabbed the crank and began hoisting the bucket from the well. Max and 99 were tossed about. The moonlight, reflected in the hand mirror, flashed in 99’s eyes.

“Max!” she cried suddenly. “Where am I?”

“I couldn’t say exactly, 99. Somewhere between Staten Island and lower Manhattan, but that’s as much as I can tell you.”

“Max, why, for heaven’s sake, would I be there?”

“Because that’s where the Staten- 99, you are the Staten Island Ferry, aren’t you?”

She stared at him. “The Staten Island Ferry! Max, I’m 99! Don’t you remember me? Did Guru Optimo hypnotize you?”

“I’ll explain it later, 99,” Max replied. “Right now, I have to-”

V. T. Brattleboro reached into the bucket, got Max by an arm, yanked, and hurled him across the dungeon, where he splattered against a stone wall, then dropped in a heap to the stone floor.

“Call me a lowest form of life, will you!” Brattleboro said, outraged.

Dazed, Max struggled to his feet. He shook his head, clearing his vision. “Not only are you a lowest form of life,” he responded, “but you are also unclean, irreverent, untrustworthy-”

“Don’t try to win me over with compliments now,” Brattleboro snarled.

“-and nasty to your mother!”

Brattleboro charged.

Max sidestepped and dropped him with a karate chop.

Stunned, Brattleboro dragged himself slowly to his knees.

“Max, we’re supposed to be working together,” 99 said. “Why are you two fighting?”

“Because our friend almost fed us to the crocodiles.”

“I don’t remember that, Max. When did it happen?”

“While you were the Staten Island Ferry, 99.”

“Max! Are you going to start that again! I have never been the Staten Island Ferry!”

“Ed Sullivan is going to be very unhappy to hear that, 99.”

Brattleboro had regained his feet.

“Max! Watch out!” 99 cried.

Max and Brattleboro hit each other with karate chops at the same instant. They dropped to the floor together and lay side by side, unconscious.

99 shook them. “Max. . Brattleboro. . get up!”

Max opened his eyes. “Well, I lost fairly, anyway,” he said. “That’s something.”

Brattleboro opened his eyes. “Well, I lost unfairly, anyway,” he said. “That’s something.”

“It was a draw,” 99 informed them. “You both lost.”

Max and Brattleboro jumped to their feet and raised their hands to karate chop each other again.

“Stop it!” 99 said. “You’re acting like children!”

“He started it,” Max pouted. “The first thing he did when we landed on the island was try to kill us!”

“A little joke-all in fun,” Brattleboro said. “How did I know you’d misunderstand. I wouldn’t have done it if I’d known you were going to shoot back at me with a machine gun.”