Walter Mosley: Debbie Doesn't Do It Anymore

“Theon Pinkney was a person of interest. He had a big stomach, a big heart, and a big dick” — a laugh or two came from the hall of death — “and he didn’t care who knew it. He’d take off his clothes in a minute and lick his lips after throwing back a big slug of brandy. He was afraid of death; I know that because like Mr. Dardanelle, death is my stock-in-trade. Theon was afraid of dying but being fearless in the face of death isn’t much. It isn’t anything. The thing I loved about Theon was that he wasn’t afraid of tomorrow. When the sun came up he looked around to see what there was on the horizon. He’d watch a ball game and then go to his mother’s church when he knew she wouldn’t be there. He flew off to Morocco the day after nine-eleven to see if the world looked different.

“Another thing about Theon was that he was a natural-born filmmaker. Not like these Hollywood fools with their automatic robots and ridiculous, impossible love stories. Theon saw the world he lived in today, the world we all live in. He knew what people wanted and what exhilarated them. He knew what you needed even when you didn’t.

“No one has ever touched my life the way he did. And I’m sorry he’s dead but I am happier, by far, that he lived.”

Jude turned away from the podium and paused for a moment to make sure that he didn’t tumble down the stairs. He walked stiff-legged back to his chair, where he sat down and bowed his head.

Lewis recorded every word spoken at the podium. For the first time I was happy about that. I wanted the words that Jude spoke to live on.

I waited for the pulse of Jude’s speech to pass and then I walked out onto the stage with my ass-length platinum hair and fiery cobalt eyes, in five-inch coral heels. I stalked up to that podium like I was going to do the salsa with it. I pulled on that microphone until it reached my lips and I touched the off-center white bull’s-eye inside the faux tattoo on my cheek. My nostrils flared and the chill of the room braced my black skin. Whenever I moved I heard the white satin slide against my body, and I was home — if only for a moment.

“All my years with Theon have brought me to this place,” I said. “It was like he was driving here from a million miles away and stopped to pick me up on the side of the road. ‘What’s this little black girl doin’ out here?’ he said when he saw me. ‘Anything you want, Daddy.’ And ever since then we’ve been together. I was his tenant, his costar, his girlfriend, and his wife. He loved me and hated me and stomped out the front door more times than I can count. He’s fucked more women than any basketball player or U.S. senator. He’s crossed almost every line that they put down in church.

“I went with him willingly but I hate where I’ve ended up. I love the people in this room but I can’t stand what we do to each other. It’s not like I think we’re less than the people who live out in the straight world buying our videos and looking to see if we bleed. We’re better than them because we know that there’s no difference between men and women, black and white, Christian and Jew, young and old.

“We know better but that’s not enough. We pay for that knowledge with drug addiction and STDs. We suffer from the people who feel alive only when watching our asses on electronic screens. We are beaten and raped and spit on. They pay us for this and we smile our bloody smiles and learn to pretend even when we know better.”

That wasn’t my speech. I had yet to unfold the papers in front of me. That was merely my recognition of the familiar faces in that room. I’d had sex with at least half of them.

“But none of that is why I’m here. I mean, I do love you. We have blazed a trail across the imagination of the world. They may not like it, they might not like us, but here we are, bound together to say good-bye to one of our own.

“We’ve come here to celebrate him, but Theon has been the star before. In movies, behind the camera, on the red carpet, and winning every award they have to offer. I don’t mean Theon but Axel Rod — the self-proclaimed hardest-working cock in the Valley.”

That got me some grins and guffaws.

“Theon was an imperfect man in an imperfect world,” I continued. “A child died on his lap. A little girl, barely sixteen. All she had was the beauty of youth and the desire and the willingness to climb out of the shit of her childhood. She died fucking my husband in our big bathtub and he died reaching for her, because in her fractured youth he saw himself just like he saw himself in me when I was her age.

“She was born Myrtle May but she called herself Jolie Wins.”

I gazed around the great chamber and saw that every eye was on me. That brought a smile to my lips, not because I needed to be the center of attention but because that was a tough crowd and you had to tell the truth to keep their interest.

“When I met her I was looking at her backside and she was on her knees in front of some fat wannabe. She was high and didn’t even know where she was. She called me miss and asked me to help her. I tried. I did. But, as we all know, there’s no help for the likes of us.

“Her story was the same old, same old — her panties and Daddy’s dick, Mother making noise in another part of the trailer, and the sun shining outside just like nothing ever happened. In a lot of rooms words like that would call up tears and indignation, but in here we’ve all heard it and felt it one way or another.

“I took her by the hand and brought her to what I thought was a safe harbor. I gave her my private number and a promise I could not keep.

“She and Theon found each other and saw in each other’s eyes the dreams that they always had. They grabbed at each other, not for sex or solace but for hope. They were outlaws on the run just like the rest of us.

“And I believe that Mr. Dardanelle and Jude are outlaws too. I believe that Theon would want us to remember them and Myrtle May, because he did have a big heart and he wanted something that he knew he could not have, but that never kept him from trying.

“We are that something. We are the scenes on the wide-screen plasma TVs that millions watch every night hoping for something that they can never have. They stay in their condos and trailers. They go to work and talk about the newest cop show but that’s not what they’re feeling.

“Myrtle May left home when she was just a child. She died still a child. Theon was so lost that he might have even thought that he was helping her. He thought that he had saved me — I did too. But that was never true. We aren’t in the saving business. We are down-to-the-bone serious and at risk. We are, and Theon was, all the pain that happens on the back alleyway that leads between the bank doors and the church.

“And so I am here in the persona of Debbie Dare to tell you what Theon should have said to Myrtle May.

“Save yourself. Know that you can do anything. Don’t look down on anyone. Don’t forgive them or condemn them. And when they tell you to get down on your knees, you tell them to get down there with you. Tell them that you can take the pain if they will too.”

What happened immediately after those last words is a blur to me. I think I just stood there staring for a while until Jude came up and led me off the stage. From there Lewis brought me to the side of the coffin, where I was joined by Lana Leer. She was wearing a simple black dress that went down to her calves and was shod in white pumps.

I came to myself standing there next to the open coffin. Theon still looked natural, almost as if he might open his eyes at any moment.

“That was a beautiful eulogy,” Lana whispered.

“I never got to the words I’d written,” I said. “I just kinda got lost up there.”