Walter Mosley - Debbie Doesn't Do It Anymore

“A boy needs his mama, Sand; you know I will not stand in the way’a that.”

“I’ll come by tonight. I’ll be there.”

The rest of the ride I felt a thrumming in my body. The idea of ending my life increased with the passing minutes. I had thought I’d left that feeling in the Malibu mountains, but as I returned to that enclave of wealth and beauty the yearning for release returned.

The movie, Surf’s Inn , was being shot on the beach a mile or so north of Sunset. Seeing the small production sign, and the row of trailers, I pulled in.

“I’m sorry, miss,” a young white man with reddened skin and bulging biceps told me. “This is a closed set.”

“My name’s Deb,” I said, “and I’m here to see Bertha Renoir.”

The young man frowned. There must have been a few of the younger Hollywood lions on the set. That meant there were all kinds of fans and paparazzi trying to get in.

“Deb who?”

“Dare.”

There was a moment of stunned realization in the young man’s eyes. He had seen me in action before: my shaved pussy and swollen clit. He’d stared at my perfect-looking breasts and listened to thousands of my sighs feigning pleasure. He looked at my short hair and almost asked a question but then got on his walkie-talkie. He moved away from my car but I could see by his shoulder movements that he was arguing with someone.

Finally he turned back to me and said, “Go to the pink trailer on the right-hand side.”

“I know which one it is.”

Bertha’s trademark was the pink trailer that looked like it just pulled out of a fifties campsite somewhere in America’s heartland. Inside that mobile space she had clothes and wigs, every shade of makeup imaginable, and accessories from feather boas to leather bow ties.

“Hey, Deb.” Bertha was chubby and beautiful, probably in her fifties but she looked ten years younger. Her skin was delicate and pale.

“B,” I said.

“Come on in and sit down.”

On her makeup chair sat a barely legal white girl wearing only a bikini thong bottom. While we talked Bertha was covering the girl’s body with various forms of creams and powders.

“I’m so sorry to hear about Theon,” Bertha said.

“Yeah. Thanks, hon.”

“It’s a hard trade,” Bertha said. “That’s why I got out of it. Too many people died and too few mattered.

“Jo-Jo at the front gate was tryin’ to tell me that it wasn’t really you. He thought that because you didn’t have long white hair and a tattoo that it couldn’t be. Nice job on the makeup over the stain.

“Okay, Juanita,” she said, slapping the bikini actress’s ass. “You can go out and frolic with your friends.”

Juanita giggled and got up. She was short and thin, except for her butt.

“Miss Dare,” she said from the doorway. “It... it’s a real honor meeting you.”

She tittered again and skipped out into the sunshine.

Bertha put a sign on her door and closed it.

“I worked past my break waitin’ for you to come, hon,” she said. “So we have some time.”

She sat me in her client’s chair and placed her stool across from me. She didn’t offer me anything to drink, not because she was rude but because Bertha lived a life where you asked for what you needed or else you went without.

“I see you’re married,” I said, referring to the rose gold band on the wedding finger.

“His name is Tommy Blueblood.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Uh-uh, real name. I’m Bertha Blueblood now.”

“What does he do?”

“He makes jewelry from semiprecious stones that he polishes himself. It’s really very cool and he’s a great guy.”

“I’m happy for you,” I said, trying to find the feeling those words expressed.

“How you holdin’ up?” the makeup artist asked.

“I don’t know,” I said truthfully. “I mean, I don’t feel bad or anything. I cried once and everything’s different now. I quit the business. And even though everything seems fine I think about killing myself when there’s nothing else going on.”

“Are you taking something for that?”

I smiled to think that there might be an antisuicide pill in the world.

“I’m seein’ a shrink.”

“That’s good,” the chubby woman said with a nod. “You know there’s no reason for somebody to take their life away. Uh-uh.”

“You know, B, I came here to have you do something for the funeral.”

“I already gave that Dardanelle my credit card, baby. I gave him a hundred and fifty dollars.”

“Are you coming?”

“Oh yeah. Me and Tommy will be there. He’s never met my old crowd and says he wants to.”

“Do you think you can come early and bring me some stuff?”

“What do you need?”

Bertha walked me out of the pink trailer and went with me toward my car.

“Bertha,” a young man called.

He was wearing a yellow Hawaiian shirt and khaki cutoffs. A thirtysomething white man, he was handsome in a rugged sort of way. He looked familiar.

“Hey, Johnny,” Bertha said in a tone that let me know that he was important. “This is my friend — Deb.”

“Hi,” he said, hitting me with a killer smile. I could feel the strength in his hands but his grip was gentle.

“This is Johnny Preston,” Bertha said even as I recognized him.

“Oh. I think you were doing business with my husband.”

“Who’s he?” the affable star asked.

“Theon Pinkney.”

“Yes, indeed. He put up the money for a heist script I’m producing. It’s called Inside Out . We’re hoping to shoot it next spring. You can tell Theon that.”

“He died,” I said.

“Oh.” The actor put on an appropriate frown. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Pinkney. So sorry.”

“Thanks,” I said. “So... you think you’re gonna make the film?”

“You never know,” he said, producing that well-rehearsed smile again. “I want to. I get to play a homicidal maniac. Maybe if they like it I won’t have to do any more surf films.”

I smiled and nodded.

“It’d be great to get the script money back,” I said. “Theon died kinda broke.”

“You’ll know when I do. His accountants, uh...”

“Chas and Darla?”

“Yeah. They’ve been on top of my manager.”

“Hey, Johnny,” a young woman called from down toward the beach.

“That’s my scene,” he said to me.

We shook hands and he sprinted away toward the cameras.

“That’s my son’s college fund,” I said to Bertha.

“Theon was a good guy,” she said, “but nobody could ever blame him for being too smart.”

Suicide sat next to me on the ride back from the beach. He was the same olive-skinned gentleman who was in the periphery when I had my orgasm. He was sleek and cool in a dusky gray sharkskin suit, in every way someone you’d want to know and whom you were afraid of at the same time. His smile was understanding, even friendly. He was armed but wouldn’t hurt you unless you crossed him.

My fingertips were numb, my lips too.

Suicide smiled easily. He wasn’t Death but merely an intermediary, like that door left ajar at the side of the house.

I knew he wasn’t really there next to me but I also knew that he was real. He’d been my bodyguard since the day my father died. He was my exit strategy, my best friend and guardian angel.

Mr. Suicide was as tangible as the blood in my veins, as the midnight special in my purse. He was why no one could hurt me or bully me or make me into something I didn’t want to be.

Suicide was a messenger who kept in constant contact with Aldo, my father.

“What do you want from me?” I dared to ask him as we crossed Sepulveda headed east on Pico.