Erle Gardner - Beware the Curves

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Unfettered, unfiltered, unorthodox Bertha Cool and Donald Lam have four of the least likely and most popular private eyes in the business — and they’ve never been in sharper focus!
It’s always exciting when Erle Stanley Gardner assumes his favorite pseudonym of A. A. Fair and lets her rip! This new mystery novel is exhibit A proving beyond the shadow of a doubt that Bertha Cool and Donald Lam are among the most ingenious and inventive characters in mystery fiction.
Here is all the old sweet-and-sour, plus the catchiest plot ever dissected by the intrepid twosome. Bertha is at her toughest and funniest, and Donald is at top form knowing and debonair.
Beware the Curves

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“Irvine isn’t that dumb,” Quinn said. “Hale is lying.”

“We can’t prove it, and Irvine is so damned sold on his side of the case that it colors his judgment in every titling he does. He wants to win this case.”

“But what are we going to do now?” Quinn asked.

I said, “This is where you tear into that witness Hale. You ask him if it isn’t a fact that he came to my office and offered to shade his testimony so the defendant would be acquitted if we’d give him the breaks on leasing some of his property to an eastern manufacturer.”

“What?” Quinn exclaimed, startled. “You mean he made a proposition like that?”

“Ask him.”

“But I couldn’t ask him unless I had your assurance that such was the case.”

“Ask him,” I said. “You’re going to have to fight the devil with fire.”

“Will you assure me that you’ll get on the stand and testify that he said that?”

“No,” I said, “I won’t get on the stand and testify he said that in so many words. However, that was what he had in mind and he won’t be able to remember exactly what he said. Go ahead and ask him that.”

“Not unless you tell me that you’ll testify to that effect.”

I said, “Ask him why he went to our office. Ask him if he didn’t go there and suggest that he was a personal friend of the district attorney and that he would try to intercede on behalf of the defendant if I would co-operate with him.”

“Will you testify to that?”

“I’ll go this far, such an offer was made in his presence and with his approval.”

Court reconvened. Hale, smilingly self-confident, waited for the cross-examination.

Quinn said, “Isn’t it a fact that you have been acquainted with Donald Lam and Bertha Cool, the two detectives, for some time?”

“Not for a long time. For a relatively short time.”

“Isn’t it a fact that you told Mr. Lam and his partner Mrs. Cool that you were a friend of the district attorney?”

“I may have. I consider the district attorney my friend. I know many of the officials of this county and consider them my friends.”

“Didn’t you offer to intercede on behalf of the defendant with the district attorney if Mr. Lam would cooperate with you in a private business matter?”

“I did not.”

“Didn’t you offer to use your good offices with the district attorney in trying to make things easier for the defendant in this case, if Cool and Lam would work with you in a certain property matter? And didn’t they refuse to do so and thereby cause you to make threats?”

“Definitely not!”

“Didn’t that conversation take place in their office?”

“No, sir.”

“Were you ever in their office?”

The witness hesitated.

“Were you?” thundered Quinn.

“Well, yes.”

“Before the trial of this case?”

“Yes.”

“After the defendant had been arrested?”

“I believe it was. I can’t remember the exact date.”

“Didn’t you discuss this case with Mr. Lam and Mrs. Cool at that time?”

“We discussed a number of things.”

“Answer that question! Didn’t you discuss this case with them?”

“I may have mentioned it.”

“And in that connection, didn’t you discuss your friendship with the district attorney?”

“I may have.”

“Didn’t you suggest that you would be willing to co-operate?”

“Co-operate is a very loose word, Mr. Quinn.”

“I understand the meaning of the English language,” Quinn said. “Didn’t you offer to co-operate?”

“I may have used the word. But what I meant by it may have been entirely different from what the other parties thought I meant by it.”

“But you did go to their office?”

“Yes.”

“After the case was pending?”

“Yes.”

“And you did mention your friendship for the district attorney?”

“Yes. Either I did or my companion did.”

“And you did offer to use your good offices in case they would co-operate?”

“Well, I may have, or I may have offered something in the nature of co-operation. I don’t know.”

“All right. Wasn’t that offer refused?”

“There wasn’t any definite offer which could have been refused.”

“You left the office after making some threats?”

“I— No.”

“Would you say you left the office with the same friendly, good feeling with which you had entered it?”

“Yes.”

“Did you shake hands with Donald Lam when you left?”

“I can’t remember.”

“Did you shake hands with Mrs. Cool?”

“I can’t remember.”

“Isn’t it a fact that you did not shake hands?”

“I have no recollection in the matter.”

“Why did you go to their office?” Quinn asked.

“Well... it’s... it’s—”

“Oh, Your Honor, I object!” Irvine said. “This matter has already gone far enough.”

“The objection is overruled,” Judge Lawton snapped.

“Why did you go to their office?”

“I wanted certain information.”

“About what?”

“About rumors that were going around about a manufacturing establishment which was planning to locate in Citrus Grove.”

“And didn’t you mention at that time that you had real estate holdings in Citrus Grove?”

“I may have.”

“And didn’t you at that time offer to use your friendship with the district attorney and your influence if Cool and Lam would co-operate with you?”

“Not in those words.”

“But that was the idea back of your visit?”

“No, sir.”

“What was the idea of your visit?”

“I wanted to get what information I could.”

“And at that time and as a part of getting what information you could, you brought up the fact that you were friendly with the district attorney, and you did offer to co-operate in the case of the defendant John Dittmar Ansel, in case you in turn received co-operation from Cool and Lam?

“Yes or no?” Quinn thundered.

“Not exactly.”

Quinn turned away with an expression of disgust. “That,” he said, “is all.”

Irvine announced the tests which were being made by the experts would require some time and suggested that Court adjourn until two o’clock.

Judge Lawton complied with the request.

“Meet me in your offices,” I said to Quinn as he left the courtroom. “I don’t want to talk with you here.” I left the courtroom.

Newspaper reporters were exploding flashbulbs in my face, also getting pictures of Bertha Cool.

One of the newspaper reporters asked Bertha Cool if she had any comments on Hale’s testimony.

“You’re damn right I have,” Bertha said.

“What are those comments?” the newspaperman asked.

“You may say for me,” Bertha said, “that Hale offered to use his good offices in getting the murder charge reduced to manslaughter if we’d give him certain information.

“You can also state that I’m willing to testify to that, and if that district attorney tries to cross-examine me, I’ll tear his goddam can off.”

I went to Quinn’s office. Mrs. Endicott was with him.

“Well?” Quinn asked.

I said, “I want you to do one thing, Quinn. If you’ll do exactly as I say we’re going to come out all right.”

“What is it?” Quinn asked.

I said, “Get the experts on the stand. Show that Endicott was killed with the Manning gun and not with the Ansel gun. Let everything else go by the boards. Concentrate on that.”

I turned to Mrs. Endicott. “Did you bury that gun?”

She shook her head. “That testimony is absolutely unqualifiedly false.”

“But,” Quinn said, “how the devil am I going to prove it, Lam? If I put her on the witness stand, they’re going to examine her concerning her movements on the night of the murder. Then they’re going to smash her alibi.”

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