Lisa Ballantyne - Guilty One

‘I had my last chance, Danny. This is the last time I get to see you, like. No more visits ever; they’re putting you up for adoption.’

Daniel did not hear the words in the right order. They swarmed at him like bees. His mother didn’t look at him. She looked at the table, elbows on her knees, inhaling twice before she finished what she had to say.

Daniel was still slumped in the chair. The dry leaves inside him shifted.

Tricia cleared her throat. ‘When you’re eighteen, you will have the right to resume contact if you choose to …’

It felt as if the leaves had suddenly ignited in the sparks from his mother’s cigarette. Daniel tightened his stomach muscles. He jumped up and grabbed the cigarettes and threw them in Tricia’s face. He tried to punch her but she had his wrists. He managed to kick her on the shin before she pinned him to the chair.

‘Don’t, Danny,’ he heard his mother say. ‘You’re just making it harder on everybody. It’s for the best, you’ll see.’

‘No,’ he screamed, feeling the heat in his cheeks and the roots of his hair. ‘No.’

‘Stop it, stop it,’ Tricia was shouting. Daniel could smell the milky coffee on her breath.

He felt his mother’s fingers through his hair, the gentle tingle of her nails on his scalp. He relaxed under Tricia’s weight, and she stood up and then lifted him up to sit on the chair.

‘That’s it,’ said Tricia. ‘Just behave yourself. Remember you’re on your last chance too.’

Daniel’s mother stubbed out her cigarette in the foil ashtray on the table. ‘C’m’ere,’ she said, and he fell into her. He smelled the cigarettes on the fingers that touched his face. The bones of her yielded for him again, and he felt the pain of them.

Daniel let his head roll from side to side as Tricia drove him back to Minnie’s. He felt the vibration of the tyres on the road. Tricia had the radio off and every now and again she would talk to him, as if he had asked for an explanation.

‘So, you’ll be at Minnie’s for now, but we’re applying to have you adopted. It’s a great opportunity, really. No more moving around – your own home, a new mum and dad, maybe even brothers or sisters, imagine that … Of course you’re going to have to keep behaving yourself. Nobody wants to adopt a boy with be’avioural problems, do they? No new mum and dad is going to want to get kicked or punched … Like your mam said, it’s for the best. Older boys are ’ard to place, but if you’re good, we might be in luck.’

She was silent as they drove down the Carlisle Road and Daniel closed his eyes. He opened them when the car jolted to a stop. He saw Blitz approaching, his tail wagging and his tongue hanging out.

Daniel swallowed. ‘If nobody else wants me, do I get to stay here then?’

‘No, love … Minnie’s a foster parent. There’ll be another little boy or girl needing to come here. But don’t you worry. I’ll find you a great new—’

Daniel had slammed the door before he heard Tricia utter the word home.

11

Once inside Parklands House, Daniel was searched and scanned. A dog sniffed his clothes and briefcase for drugs.

An attendant brought him coffee and said that Sebastian would be along soon. Charlotte had called Daniel to say that she was running a little late, but to begin without her. He felt apprehensive in the small room. It had to be kept locked at all times, he had been advised, but there was a panic alarm to use if he needed anything. He felt the paper and leaves sensation in his stomach, dry and shifting; it made him uneasy.

Sebastian was brought in by a care assistant.

‘Good to see you again, Seb,’ Daniel said. ‘Are you all right?’

‘Not really. I hate it in here.’

‘Do you want something to drink?’

‘I’m all right, thanks. I just had some orange juice. Can you get me out of here? I hate it. It’s horrible. I want to go home.’

‘Have your mum and dad been to see you a lot?’

‘My mum’s been a few times, but I want to go home … Can’t you sort it out? I just want to go home.’

Sebastian’s head fell suddenly into the crook of his elbow. He curled his other arm around him.

Daniel stood up and leaned over Sebastian, putting a hand on the boy’s shoulder. He rubbed and patted. ‘Come on, you’re all right. I’m on your side, remember? I know you want to go home, but we have to work with the law. I can’t get you home just now. The judge wants you here as much to protect you as anything else.’

‘I don’t want to be protected. I just want to go home.’

Again, Daniel felt a prickle of understanding for the boy. It came to him like a nettle sting: heat and itch, lurching him into memory. He remembered arriving at Minnie’s for the first time, and the social worker telling him that, for his own good, he should be kept away from his mother.

‘What I can do is work to get you home after your trial. How about that? You ready to work with me on it? I need your help. I can’t do it on my own.’

Sebastian sniffed and wiped his eyes on his sleeve. When he looked up, his eyelashes were wet and separated.

‘Mum’s late,’ said Sebastian. ‘She’ll be in bed. My dad flew out last night. It’s better if I’m there. That’s why you need to get me out.’

‘What’ll be better if you’re there?’ Daniel asked. Although he was sure he knew what Sebastian was going to say, he wondered if he was projecting on to the boy.

‘Do you like your father?’ said Sebastian, as if he hadn’t heard Daniel’s question.

‘I don’t have a father.’

‘Everybody has a father, silly. Don’t you know that?’

Daniel smiled at the boy. ‘Well, I never knew him. That’s what I meant. He left before I was born.’

‘Was he nice to your mum?’

Daniel returned Sebastian’s gaze. He knew what the boy was trying to say. He had watched the boy’s parents and had witnessed Kenneth’s aggression towards the boy’s mother. Daniel blinked to remember his own mother thrown across a room so hard that she broke the arm of the armchair on to which she fell. He remembered standing between her and the man who wanted to hurt her again. He remembered his leg trembling and the smell of urine.

‘Listen, we need to get down to work. Now that we’re back working together, is there anything you’ve remembered that you need to tell me?’

Sebastian looked at Daniel and shook his head.

‘We’re on our own now. I’m your lawyer and you’re my client. You can tell me anything. I won’t judge you. I have to act in your best interests. Is there anything about the Sunday you were playing with Ben that you want to tell me? If you do, now is the time. We don’t like surprises later on.’

‘I’ve told you everything, absolutely everything.’

‘Good, well I’m going to try my best to get you out of here.’

There was a magnetic sound of metal smacking cleanly together, as the electronic door unlocked. Charlotte came into the room in a flurry of apologies and tinkling bangles. She twisted Sebastian’s face towards her gently and kissed him on the side of his forehead.

‘I’m so sorry, traffic was a nightmare!’ she exclaimed, loosening her lilac silk scarf and slipping off her jacket. ‘And then those bloody dogs at security. They terrify me. It seemed like an age before I was through.’

‘Mum doesn’t like dogs,’ said Sebastian.

‘It’s all right,’ said Daniel. ‘I just wanted to run through with Sebastian what’s going to happen now.’

‘Great, fire away,’ said Charlotte with a strange, fraught enthusiasm. She was wearing a polo neck and kept pulling the sleeves over her hands.

‘Well, we have a lot of work to do over the next few months to prepare you for trial and there are a number of other people that you’ll need to meet and talk to … We’re going to make an appointment for a psychologist to come and see you, and then in a week or so you can meet again with the barrister who will present your story in court. Does that make sense?’