Lisa Ballantyne - Guilty One

He wore his mother’s necklace as he fed the scraps to the birds – didn’t care if it made him look like a girl. He wanted to know the necklace was safe. He wanted to know she was safe. He wondered what the social worker had told Minnie the night before. In the car on the way back, when Tricia told him that she didn’t know anything about his mother and the fire, he had felt there was something she was holding back.

Daniel sidestepped back into the house as Hector the goat watched him ruefully. His goat face reminded Daniel of his social worker. He slipped off his wellies in the hall. Blitz was lying right in front of the door. He lifted his head when Daniel entered but did not move and so he had to step over him. The kitchen smelled of fat and pork and onions.

Minnie served up. The sausages were so slick they slid over the plate. He took his fork and pierced their skin. That was what he liked best: piercing the skin and watching the juices ooze.

‘Are you feeling better this morning?’ she asked.

He shrugged his shoulders, looking at his food.

‘How’s your nose? Could you sleep OK?’

He nodded.

‘I need to talk to you.’

He looked up at her face; his fork paused on his plate. Her eyes were opened a little wider than they usually were. Daniel felt his appetite fade, felt the oil from the sausages greasy in his throat.

‘Sometimes when bad things happen to you it probably seems easier just to run away, but I want you to try not running, to face the things you don’t like instead. It seems harder but in the long run you’re better off. Trust me.’

‘I wasn’t running away.’

‘What were you doing then?’

‘I was going to visit me mam.’

Minnie sighed and pushed her plate away. He watched as she bit her lip and then leaned forward, reaching out for his hand. He pulled away from her slowly, but she stayed like that, with her hand stretched out towards him across the table.

‘We’re going to find out what happened to your mum. I want you to know that I am on the phone to them every day about it. I promise I’ll find out for you … ’

‘She’ll be all right. She’s always all right, like.’

‘I believe that too. I just want you to trust me. I’m on your side, love. You don’t need to do everything on your own any more.’

Promise. Trust. On your own. The words hammered inside his chest. It was as if he hadn’t heard her or as if the words were stones, hitting him. Love. Trust. Own. Daniel was not sure why they bruised.

‘Shut up about it.’

‘Danny, I know you want to see your mum. I understand it. I’m going to help you find out where she is and within reason we can talk to your social worker about visits. But you have to watch out, Danny. I can’t have you running off all the time. They’ll take you away from me, you know, and that is the last thing I want on this earth.’

Daniel was not sure if it was the thought of not seeing his mother or being taken from Minnie that frightened him. He was tired of going to new places and then being sent away, yet he didn’t expect to stay here. He knew the leaving would be soon. It was best that he should initiate it.

First he became aware of his fingers, still sticky from the corn, sticking together as if they were webbed, then his heart began to beat hard and he couldn’t breathe. He stood up from the table and his chair fell back on to the floor. The bang of it startled Blitz, who jumped to his feet. Daniel ran out of the kitchen and straight upstairs to his room.

‘Danny!’ he heard her call.

He stood at the bedroom window, looking down at the yard. His eyes were hot and his hands were trembling. He heard her on the stairs, pulling on the banister to heave herself up. He turned round and the dizzy rosebuds on the wallpaper swarmed at him.

He put his hands into his hair and pulled it until tears came to his eyes. He screamed long and hard until he was out of breath. As soon as she entered the bedroom, he took the jewellery box from the dresser and smashed it into the mirror on the wardrobe. When she moved towards him, he took the dresser and toppled it in her path. He saw her climb on to the bed to get to him and he started to bang on the glass of the window with his fist and then his head. He wanted out, away from her. He wanted his mam.

He couldn’t hear what she was saying but her lips were moving and her eyes were turned down in distress. As soon as he felt her hands on him he spun and smacked her across the mouth. He turned away from her then. He didn’t want to see the reproach in her eyes. He started to bang on the window again, with his fist and then his head, and it cracked, but then he felt her hands on his shoulder. He swung round with his fists tight, but she pulled him into her and down on to the floor.

She had her arms around him. His face was pressed against her chest and he could feel her arms around him like rope and the sheer weight of her. He fought it. He kicked and he tried to get free, but it was no use. He tried to scream again, but she only held him tighter.

‘That’s it, lad, you’re OK. You’re going to be OK. Let it out now. Let it all out. You’re all right.’

He didn’t mean to cry. He didn’t even try to stop it. He was just so tired. It just came out of him, the tears and the breaths. He couldn’t stop. She sat up and leaned against the broken mirror of the wardrobe, all the time keeping him close to her. She stopped pinning his arms, but she pulled him tighter. He felt her lips on his forehead. He was aware of the noise that he was making: his stolen, broken breaths and the smell of her. The damp wool of her was suddenly soothing and he breathed her in.

Daniel didn’t know how long they stayed like that, but it was a long time. The weather changed outside and the damp morning was replaced with bright sun thrown on to the doused house and farm. He had stopped crying, but he kept breathing in sighs and sucked breaths, as if he was tasting something very hot. He was spent as a coin. He didn’t know where he was going next.

‘There now, hush, my love,’ she whispered to him, as he tried to breathe evenly. ‘You’re all right. I’m not your mum. I can never be your mum, but I’m here all the same. I’ll always be here if you need me.’

He was too tired to sit up or reply to her, but part of him was glad she was there and he tightened his grip around her waist. She held him a little tighter in response.

After a while, he could breathe properly again. Slowly, she let him go. Later, in bed early, he tried to remember if anyone else had held him like that. Most people didn’t get that close to him. His mother had kissed him. Yes, she had run her fingers through his hair. She had comforted him once or twice when he’d been hurt.

Daniel helped Minnie to her feet and then together they tried to put the room back in order. The window was cracked and the mirror was smashed. Minnie sighed when she surveyed the destruction.

‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to break them,’ he said. ‘I’ll get them fixed for you, like.’

‘Didn’t know you had that kind of money,’ she said, laughing.

‘I could get some.’

‘That you on about your pickpocket career again? I don’t think so.’ She bent to pick up the jewellery box from the floor. She bent at the hip with her bum sticking up and her skirt riding up at the back, so you could see her white legs and her man’s socks that came up to the knee. He could see that he had wearied her. Her cheeks were red and she had sweat on her lip.

‘I’d get a paper round, like.’

‘Paper round indeed? You can help me on the stall at weekends. Help me deliver the eggs. I’ll get you pocket money for that.’

‘All right then.’