Gilly MacMillan - What She Knew

‘I’ve spoken to my inspector,’ WPC Banks was telling him. ‘He’s on his way.’

John nodded. He glanced at me, but moved his eyes quickly away. The tendons in his neck were taut.

‘That’s good news,’ she said. ‘It means they’re taking it seriously.’

Why wouldn’t they? I wondered. Why wouldn’t they take a missing child seriously? I stepped towards John. I wanted to touch him, just his hand. Actually, I wanted him to hold me. Instead, I got a look of disbelief.

‘You let him run ahead?’ he said and his voice was stretched thin with tension. ‘What were you thinking?’

‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I’m so sorry.’

There was no point in trying to give him an explanation. It was done. I would regret it for ever.

WPC Banks said, ‘I think for now it would be best if all of our focus is on the search for Ben. It won’t do him any good if you cast blame.’

She was right. John understood that. He was blinking back tears. He looked distraught and incredulous. I watched him cycle through everything I’d been feeling since Ben had gone. He had question after question, each of which WPC Banks answered patiently until he was satisfied that he knew everything there was to know, and that everything possible was being done.

As I stood beside him, and let WPC Banks reassure him, I realised that it had been more than ten months since I’d seen him smile, and I wondered if I ever would again.

Addendum to DI James Clemo’s report for Dr Francesca Manelli.

Transcript recorded by Dr Francesca Manelli.

DI James Clemo and Dr Francesca Manelli in attendance.

Notes to indicate observations on DI Clemo’s state of mind or behaviour, where his remarks alone do not convey this, are in italics.

This transcript is from the first full psychotherapy session that DI Clemo attended. Previous to this we had only a short preliminary meeting where I took a history from DI Clemo and we discussed the report that I had asked him to write.

Predictably, given his resistant attitude to therapy, the report that DI Clemo submitted at this stage was lacking in comment on areas of his personal and emotional experience at the time of the Benedict Finch case. The transcripts fill in the gaps somewhat. My priority in this first session was to begin to establish DI Clemo’s trust in me.

DI Clemo elected to see me at my private consultation rooms based in Clifton, rather than at the facility provided at police HQ.

Dr Francesca Manelli (FM):Good to see you again. Thank you for making a start on your report.

DI James Clemo (JC) acknowledges this comment with a terse nod. He hasn’t yet spoken.

FM: I’ve noted your objection to continuing to attend these sessions with me.

JC makes no comment. He is also avoiding eye contact.

FM: So, I’d like to start by asking whether there have been any more incidents?

JC: Incidents?

FM: Panic attacks, of the sort that led to your referral to me.

JC: No.

FM: Can you describe to me what happened on the two occasions that you experienced the panic attacks?

JC: I can’t just come in here and talk about stuff like that.

FM: It would be helpful to have more detail, just to get us started. What triggered the feelings of panic, how they grew into a full-blown attack, what you were feeling while it happened?

JC: I’m not talking about my feelings! It’s not what I do. I’m sick of the way feelings are all anybody wants to talk about. Watching any sport on TV these days, that’s all the commentators ask people. Sue Barker talking to a guy who’s played tennis for four hours or collaring someone who’s just lost the most important football game of his life. ‘How are you feeling?’ What about ‘How did you do it? How hard have you worked to get here?’

FM: Do you think that expressing feelings is a weakness?

JC: Yes, I do.

FM: Is that why you don’t like talking about the panic attacks? Because they might have been prompted by some very strong feelings that you had?

He doesn’t reply.

FM: Everything you say in here will remain confidential.

JC: But you’ll make a decision about whether I’m fit to work.

FM: I’ll report back to your DCI and make a recommendation, but nobody else will see the contents of your report, or the transcripts of our conversations. Those are for my use only. They’ll form the basis of our on-going conversations. This is going to be a long process, and if you can work towards being open with me, we have a much greater chance of success, and we can hopefully get you back out there doing the work you want to do.

JC: I’m a detective. It’s in my blood. It’s what I live for.

FM: You need to be aware, also, that the number of psychotherapy sessions that your DCI is prepared to fund is limited.

JC: I know that.

FM: Then talk to me.

He takes his time.

JC: At first it was like being winded, I couldn’t get a proper breath in. I kept yawning, and breathing, trying to get air, trying to stop the dizziness, because I thought I was going to pass out. Then my heart was pounding really fast, and I stopped being able to think, I couldn’t get my mind to do anything, and then there was panic all over, gripping me, and all I wanted to do was to get out of there, and punch a wall.

FM: Which you did.

JC: I’m not proud of that.

He covers the knuckles on his right hand with his left hand, but not before I’ve noticed that they’re still scabbed and sore.

FM: And you also experienced some bouts of crying in the days after this?

JC: I don’t know why.

FM: It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s another symptom of anxiety, just like the panic attacks.

JC: I’m stronger than that.

FM: Strong people experience anxiety.

JC: What I hate most of all is the crying starts any time, anywhere. I can’t stop it. I’m like a baby.

Tears have begun to fall down JC’s face.

FM: No. You’re not. It’s just a symptom. Take some time. We’ll come back to this.

He takes a tissue from the box by his chair, wipes his face roughly; tries to compose himself. I make a few notes, to give him some time, and after a minute or two he engages with me.

JC: What are you writing?

FM: I take a few handwritten notes with every patient. It helps me to remember our sessions afterwards. Would you like to see what I’ve written?

JC shakes his head.

FM: I’d like to ask you what kind of support network you might have around you. A partner?

JC: No partner currently.

FM: Family or friends then?

JC: My mum lives in Exeter, I don’t see her much. My sister too. My friends in Bristol are mostly colleagues so we don’t talk about stuff outside work.

FM: I see from your notes that your father passed away a little before the Benedict Finch case started.

JC: That’s correct. About a month before.

FM: And he was a detective too?

JC: He was Deputy Chief Super in Devon and Cornwall.

FM: Was he the reason you joined the force?

JC: A big part of it, yeah.

FM: And you started your career in Devon and Cornwall?

JC: I did.

FM: Was that hard? Did you feel you had a lot to live up to, in your dad?

JC: Of course, because I did.

FM: Did that feel like pressure?

JC: I’m not afraid of pressure.

FM: When you were with Devon and Cornwall was it well known that you were your father’s son?

JC: When I started I was known as ‘Mick Clemo’s boy’, but it’s the same for anyone who’s got a relative in the force.