Cath Staincliffe - Crying Out Loud

‘We need a lodger.’

‘But me, bit of a risk, isn’t it?’

‘Yeah,’ I admitted. ‘Maybe I like the odd risk.’

She blinked and looked away, her jaw flexed; she was moved and I felt my own throat ache in response.

‘You know what I did,’ she said softly. It was a question as much as anything. Did it matter, would I report her, did it define her?

‘Yes. And I know why.’ I thought back to that night in the park, dark, drizzling. Looking for a lost boy before his captors found him. Men in the dark, fists and guns. Fear coursing through me. Bones running soft. The gunshot to my shoulder throwing me back against stone. Leanne, hiding in the gloom, firing at the man, killing him. Blood everywhere. ‘We can’t change the past.’ In the quiet I could hear the clatter of a train in the distance. ‘You’re making a go of things, now.’

‘Yeah. But yer man isn’t too happy.’

‘I’m not sure he is my man,’ I said frankly.

‘How’s that?’

‘Maybe later,’ I put her off.

‘Yer better off without him,’ she said vehemently.

‘Why’s that?’

She looked incredulous. Nodded. ‘Your face?’

I touched my jaw where a bruise had blossomed courtesy of Nick Dryden. ‘No,’ I smiled, grasping her meaning, ‘it’s nothing like that. That’s not him.’ And Ray hadn’t even noticed, hadn’t mentioned it. My shoulder was throbbing too and so were my shins, where Dryden had kicked at me so viciously. ‘You think I’d stay with someone who was beating me up?’

‘Plenty do. It’s not just to wind him up, is it? To spite him? ’Cos if it is-’

‘No,’ I broke in. Though a teensy bit of me had enjoyed provoking that reaction. ‘Maybe you deserve a break. I was on my own with Maddie, at first. It was hard. Too hard. Finding this place, sharing with Ray, it got a lot easier. He’s got a little boy.’ Two, I thought to myself. ‘And Lola, well, she’s lovely.’

Leanne grinned. ‘She been sleeping?’

‘Not so’s you’d notice,’ I muttered, Leanne-style. The prospect of an unbroken night swam into view. Oh, bliss. ‘She’s got a tooth,’ I suddenly remembered.

‘No way! Let’s see.’ She picked her up, started praising her.

‘What do you think, then?’ I asked her. ‘A month’s trial?’ I glanced at my watch; I needed to collect Maddie and Tom.

‘What about him?’ she asked me.

‘I’ll deal with him.’ I sounded more confident than I felt.

‘Cool. I’ll have to let the council know, could be months before they sort my benefits out.’

‘That’s OK. Good. And I meant it about the rules – any trouble, anything dodgy, and it’s off, no second chance.’

She opened her mouth and I expected protest, injured pride, but she took stock and instead just nodded. ‘’Course.’

‘I’ve got to get the kids from school. Make yourself at home. If you want a shower, there are towels in the cupboard in the bathroom downstairs. There’s sheets and bedding there, too, if you want to make up the bed.’

She nodded, did that funny little blink again. ‘Ta.’

As I reached the first-floor landing, Ray was there, arms folded, stern from head to toe, his eyes hot with fever and frustration. ‘We have to talk about it; you can’t just let her move in.’

My throat hurt. ‘We need to talk about a lot of things, Ray: us, this, Laura, Oscar.’ I pulled on my jacket, aware that this time I was the one postponing time to discuss things. ‘We can talk this evening, or tomorrow,’ I suggested.

‘So she stays tonight?’ he huffed. ‘She’s not going to want to move once she’s got her feet under the table.’

‘You don’t know her,’ I objected.

‘Do you? Know her well?’

I thought of my past with Leanne. The dreadful things she’d been through, the terrible things she’d done, things that I would not tell Ray – not now, maybe never.

‘I know her enough to give her a chance. And there is no way on earth I would offer her the flat if I thought it couldn’t work out. I’d never risk what we’ve got here.’ I hoped he’d soften then, acknowledge that what we had something, something important, permanent. But he gave me nothing. ‘I’d better go.’

He stood there, a sadness in his eyes now, as though we’d lost something. Maybe we had. Maybe we couldn’t hold on to that first flush of passion with so many upheavals coming our way. I felt sad, too, more so as I realized I didn’t have the courage to approach him. If I laid a hand on his shoulder or touched his cheek with my palm would he shy away, slap me down? I didn’t have the heart to find out.

We didn’t talk that evening. Ray kept to his room and didn’t even join us for tea. Leanne was introduced to Maddie and Tom and made quite an impression, teaching them some complicated hand-jive greeting and some street slang (inoffensive as far as I could tell). I spent half an hour picking bits of glass out of the back of the car. Leanne could not believe we hadn’t got a working telly. She stared at me, aghast.

‘I thought people your age were multi-platform,’ I said.

‘You what?’

‘MP3, Internet, downloading movies to your phone.’

‘Yeah, but you still need a telly,’ she said.

‘We are going to replace it, just not had chance,’ I explained.

She sighed.

‘Sheila had one in the flat. There’s an aerial socket up there. In fact, that would make sense, to get you one of your own.’

‘Cool.’

It wasn’t a completely altruistic move; I didn’t want to be fighting Leanne over which programme to watch. I imagined our tastes would differ somewhat. And having a lodger seemed to work best when we had a degree of autonomy.

‘Won’t be anything fancy, mind. No plasma or 3D.’

‘I made a list,’ she said, ‘stuff for the flat. Some of it they might give me a grant for.’ She handed me the piece of paper. In the same neat capitals that had been on the note she’d printed out: CURTAINS, CHANGING MAT, COT, LAMP.

‘What colour curtains?’ I said.

‘Something shiny would look good against that colour blue. Maybe a gold, or dark blue with some sparkle in it.’

‘Ever made any?’ I asked her.

‘You having us on?’ Her eyes sparkled with merriment.

‘I’ve a sewing machine – you can get fabric at the market, or there’s a good place in town I know. It’s not hard. I’ll show you.’

‘OK. Give us summat to do while we’re waiting for the telly,’ she grumbled.

I smiled.

I’d gone into my usual practical mode after Dryden’s attack: sleeves up, head down, all systems functioning. Keep calm and carry on. Driven, I’d managed to get the car repaired, do my chores and continue investigating for Libby Hill. On top of all that I’d handled Leanne’s Lazarus act and found myself in a stand-off with Ray.

But just as the bruises all over my body were coming into full bloom, the colour of butter yellow, mottled with blue, reminding me of pansies, so the emotional and psychological impact of the assault was bubbling to the surface. And as soon as I stopped racing about, filling my time keeping busy busy busy, I could feel my composure splitting and fraying, tearing apart.

The nervy unease in my stomach as I showered and got ready for bed was the start of it. And a cup of warm milk and honey did nothing to lay it to rest.

Now Leanne was here and Lola would be sleeping – or not – upstairs in the flat with her, I should have been able to immerse myself in a deep and healing sleep. I started out OK. My eyes grainy and tired, the bed blissfully comfy once I’d found a way to lie without putting pressure on my sore bits. No need to listen for the sound of a baby breathing or panic if it was too quiet.