Cath Staincliffe: Half the World Away

© 2015

Lorelei is leaving. Tom, my ex, and I drive her to the airport. A bright, blustery September afternoon. The sky a high dome of blue, chalk-marked with jet trails, the trees along the roadside heavy with leaves.

A cold, jittery feeling in my stomach, my jaw tense.

‘You’ve got your passport?’ I turn round from the front seat, an excuse as much as anything to see her, to see more of her.

‘Yes.’

‘Money?’ Tom says.

‘Da-ad.’

‘Well, it has been known, babe,’ he says.

‘Once,’ she huffs, ‘once I forgot things.’

‘Everything,’ he says. ‘Not so hot on the house keys either, as I recall.’

Lorelei laughs, a sudden peal of delight, then mock-outrage. ‘Like, you’re so organized,’ she says to him.

‘I’m here.’

‘Late,’ Lorelei says.

‘Ten minutes,’ he says. ‘You’ve got plenty of time – your flight’s not till eight.’

‘Eight forty-five,’ she says.

‘Jo – you said eight.’ He glances at me.

‘I lied,’ I say, ‘to account for your pitiful time-keeping.’

Lori laughs again.

The short-stay car park is busy; we find space on the very top, open to the elements. Lori insists on carrying her rucksack herself. It is nearly as big as she is. She looks like she’ll topple backwards, be stuck like a turtle. Tom takes her hand luggage.

‘Photo,’ I say.

She poses, hands on the rucksack straps. Her hair chocolate, shoulder length, with shocking-pink tips, choppy fringe. Leather jacket, pink T-shirt, skinny black jeans on skinny legs, purple Doc Marten boots. I take some pictures.

‘Tom?’

He stands beside her, dwarfing her. Hard to believe they’re related. Tom as fair-haired as she is dark, but they both have olive skin that tans easily. Down to some Maltese ancestor of his. I burn and peel at any lick of sunshine. Her dark hair, her petite frame, she’s inherited from me. Though I’m no longer skinny after having three kids and many years in a sedentary occupation.

‘Now you, Mum,’ Lori says.

We swap places. Tom does the honours. I chat away, fighting an urge to weep that makes my cheekbones ache.

‘You got your tickets?’ Tom says, in the lift down to the terminal.

She sticks her tongue out at him.

I promise myself I will not cry. It isn’t the first time she’s left home, after all: she’s been away at uni for three years. Back every ten weeks with washing and empty pockets and a ravenous appetite. Nocturnal, living in a different time zone from the rest of us.

But she has never been so far away. Tom is all for it. Big adventure, he says. And he’s lent her the airfare, with no expectation he’ll be getting it back anytime soon. His latest venture is doing well.

I’d wondered if it might be better for her to try to get some work experience first. Lori wasn’t having it. ‘If I go now, I can travel with Jake and Amy. I don’t want to go on my own later.’

As we wait at Check-in, the departures hall teems with travellers, queues snaking around the pillars, the clamour of conversation, of crying children and Tannoy announcements. Thailand, her first stop. Then Vietnam and Hong Kong.

Her phone trills. She reads it. ‘Amy.’ She grins. ‘They’ll meet me at the airport.’

Her bag is two kilos over.

‘Shit,’ she says, looking at me in panic.

‘I thought you’d weighed it,’ I say.

‘I did. Those scales don’t work.’

‘How much?’ Tom asks the check-in clerk.

‘That’ll be eighty-eight pounds.’

‘God,’ says Lori.

Tom has the cash. Crisis averted.

‘Thanks,’ Lori says.

‘Make sure it’s lighter coming back,’ I say.

‘I will.’

‘Yeah, no Christmas presents,’ Tom says.

‘We could get a cuppa?’ I nod towards the café, eager to delay our parting.

Lori screws up her nose. ‘I’ll go through,’ she says.

The pressure rises in my chest. Don’t go, I want to say. Stay, come home with me, don’t leave. Why can’t I just be pleased for her, excited?

Tom opens his arms and she walks into them. He bends and kisses the top of her head. ‘It’ll be great, Lollydoll. You’ll kill it, yeah?’

I look away, swallowing hard, eyes skimming the crowds.

‘Bye, Dad.’

He lets her go and she turns to me. I hug her tight. When I try to speak my voice turns husky: ‘Have a wonderful time.’ I want to say more. I love you. Be careful. Keep your money out of sight. Stay safe. But my throat is locked, my head full of tears. So I just hug her tighter, sniffing hard, breathing in the smell of her – orange-blossom shampoo and mint chewing gum and something like salt.

‘Bye-bye.’ She does that funny wave, like her hand and arm are rigid, no wrist joint. And all I can do is nod vigorously and smile, lips closed, teeth clamped together.

We watch her walk away, her tote bag over one shoulder, a quick stride as if she’ll break into a run at any moment.

She pauses where the ramp leads down to Departures and waves again. I wave back. Tom gives her a thumbs-up and a peace sign.

Then she is gone.

‘Oh, God.’ I let my breath out.

‘She’ll be fine,’ he says.

‘It’s not her I’m worried about,’ I try to joke but it comes out all squeaky. I find a tissue, dab at my eyes.

‘Jo?’

I shake my head. ‘It’s OK.’

Back on the top of the car park, the sky is changing: a red blush tints shreds of cloud to the west. The end of the day is coming. The hotels around the airport are visible, as is the railway station and, further away, the skyline of the city.

‘It’s just-’ I get no further. Tears come hot on my cheeks, making my ribs heave.

Tom puts his arms around me. I stiffen momentarily, the contact unfamiliar. Then I let go. The release helps, easing the heaviness in my chest, leaving me feeling raw and exposed.

‘Sorry.’ I blow my nose.

‘Home?’

We drive back into the city, against the flow of commuters leaving after their day’s work, the sunset a blaze of copper, the sky to the east darkening purple.

Tom drops me at mine, and once he’s gone, I sit on the front step for a moment, readying myself to go in to Nick and the boys.

Almost dark, and the insects are still busy among the carnations, cosmos and honeysuckle. The perfume from the flowers is sweet above the city smells of stone, exhaust fumes and food cooking. The evening star is rising. Higher above, I see a moving light, white then a flash of red. A plane. Not Lori’s, not yet. She’ll be through security control now, waiting in the departure lounge. Maybe doing some shopping.

A cat yowls in the back gardens and I hear Benji answer with a bark from inside. Further away there is the sound of glass breaking, then a slam. Someone putting their bottles in the recycling.

All I want to do is indulge my sadness, get drunk and pine for Lorelei, weep and eat more than I need to, sleep late.

Fat chance.

So I go back in to my husband and help get Finn and Isaac settled in bed and answer all their questions about their big sister’s big adventure for the umpteenth time.

And lie awake all night like an idiot.

Lori texts just as I’m starting work. All good. Just got thru Customs. Knacked. Love you L xxx I’m relieved. I can’t imagine Thailand, only images culled from pictures in the weekend magazines or movies like The Beach . All vegetation, palm-fringed sands, endless hills and deep diving pools. What it might be like, the atmosphere, the day-to-day life, the cities, socializing – I’ll be relying on Lori to broaden my horizons.