Doug Allyn: The Best American Mystery Stories 2003

I realize, of course, the oxymoronic possibilities of the phrases “ethical ramifications” and “media coverage” being used in the same sentence; that is, in fact, the irony I was looking forward to seeing examined on the program.

Surprisingly, for a man of my considerable size and bulk — I stand six-foot-five and weigh 282 pounds — I slink surprisingly well. The skill is something of a requirement for any kind of long-ranging success in the thugging field.

See note 6, above.

For more information on alopecia areata, visit the National Alopecia Areata Foundation’s Web site at www.alopeciaeareata.com.

As a closely related corollary to my previously mentioned interest in the manner in which our actions function as determinants in our conception of selfhood, I am also actively seeking some personal understanding of the manner in which our appearances affect our actions and how these dual factors, acting both separately and in concert with one another, influence our conception of self.

The reference to my alopecia is the single insult that, from the time I first lost my hair in the eighth grade, I have been completely unable to tolerate. I do, however, consider myself somewhat fortunate in one regard — I have, almost exclusively through both implicit and explicit threats of physical violence, been able to silence the vast majority of those who sought to injure me in this fashion. Those who were not intimidated enough to think better of their actions were moderately to severely injured. I think often of people who suffer from alopecia and other similar disorders which render them, to varying degrees, different in appearance from those in the majority, and wonder how they make it through the day. I like to think I am doing some small service in educating those who would mock and belittle others simply on the basis of their physical appearance.

At an alopecia support group meeting recently, one of the members proposed we coin the phrase “follicle-challenged” to describe ourselves. That suggestion was almost comic in its political correctness. The only factor that mitigated my impulse to laugh audibly was the fact that I so clearly understood the pain from which the suggestion arose.

Had he risen, it would have signified either a conscious or unconscious desire on his part to challenge my superior position.

Vig or vigorish: the exorbitant interest charged by a loan shark (aka shylock; despite the pejorative connotations of this particular term to those of Jewish ancestry, it is still by far the more commonly used). This interest is, in fact, specifically designed to be impossible for the mark to pay. This in turn forces the forfeiture by said mark of any real properties s/he might possess.

I cannot state unequivocally that the color of the wall is ecru; it might very well be eggshell, or possibly even Navajo white.

I regret at once the literary reference. I think perhaps the relatively wide exposure of the film version of Styron’s novel will suffice to effectively convey my intended meaning; it does not.

The proper technique for a clean thumbbreak is as follows: grasp the thumb at its base, as close as is possible to the hand itself, wrapping your own thumb and forefinger around the joint. Repeat the process at the upper joint. The idea is to support each of the joints to the greatest extent possible. Once this has been accomplished, snap the thumb sharply sideways, perpendicular to the direction of the thumb’s own movement. You should, in most cases, feel the bone snap in your hands. Imagine breaking a pencil wrapped in several slices of bologna for some idea of the sensation.

While this reaction veers clearly toward the maudlin, I certainly prefer it to the violent or indignant. At least he stops short of wetting his pants.

Next time, just as Bobby’s thumbs are about to be severed from his hands, he’ll be given the option of releasing his interest in the $38,000 worth of equity he has built up in his home by signing over the deed. We can be fairly sure which option Bobby will choose.