Ed McBain - Downtown

“Who is it?” one of the men yelled.

“Abruzzi Pizzeria,” someone yelled back.

Michael listened.

Someone was coming into the apartment.

“You order a large pizza?”

A delivery boy.

“That’s right.”

The woman. Obviously the one who’d placed the order.

“Half anchovies, half pepperoni?”

“Right.”

“Three Cokes?”

“Three Cokes, right.”

“Here’s the napkins, that comes to thirteen dollars and twenty-one cents.”

“That sounds like a lot,” one of the men said.

“How do you figure it’s a lot?” the delivery boy asked.

“For a pizza and three lousy Cokes? Thirteen bucks and change?”

“Yeah, but it’s a large with anchovies and pepperoni.”

“Only half anchovies and half pepperoni.”

“Which costs nine dollars and ninety-five cents. For the large with the anchovies and pepperoni.”

“So how much are the Cokes?”

“Seventy-five cents each.”

“That sounds high, too.”

Cheap bastard, Michael thought.

“How do you figure that’s high?” the delivery boy asked.

“For a lousy Coke? Seventy-five cents?”

“Yeah, but these are twelve-ounce Cokes.”

“That’s still high. That’s six cents and change for an ounce!”

“Yeah, but that’s what it costs an ounce,” the delivery boy said.

“That’s very high for an ounce of Coke.”

“Yeah, but that’s what it costs. Seventy-five cents for twelve ounces.”

“So how do you get thirteen dollars and twenty-one cents?”

“There’s an eight and a quarter percent tax. See it here on the bill? A dollar is the tax. So if you add a dollar to the nine ninety-five for the pizza and the two and a quarter for the Cokes, you get thirteen twenty-one. See it here?”

“Who added this?”

“The cashier.”

“What’s her name?”

“Marie. Why?”

“She’s a penny off.”

“What do you mean?”

“You see this here? Add it yourself. Nine ninety-five for the pizza, two twenty-five for the Cokes, and a dollar for the tax is thirteen dollars and twenty cents, not thirteen dollars and twenty- one cents.”

“Gee,” the delivery boy said.

“Tell Marie.”

“I will.”

Cheap bastard. Michael thought again.

“Here’s fifty bucks,” the man said. “Keep the change.”

Michael heard the door opening and closing again.

The sudden aroma of cheese and garlic and tomatoes and pepperoni and anchovies wafted into the room where he was tied to the bed.

In that moment, he wanted nothing more from life than a slice of pizza.

If they told him they would kill him the moment Mama got here, his last request would be a slice of pizza.

“This is very good pizza,” the woman said.

A rap sounded at the window.

He turned his head sharply.

A man wearing a black silk handkerchief over his nose and down to his chin was standing on the fire escape. He put his forefinger to where his lips would have been under the handkerchief, signaling Michael to keep quiet.

Michael looked at him.

The man was wearing a black cap to match the black handkerchief. And a black jacket bristling with little chrome studs. In keeping with his attire, the man himself was black, or at least what was nowadays called black even though his exposed hands were certainly not the color of his clothing. His hands were, in fact, the color of Colombian coffee.

The man hefted something onto the windowsill.

A black satchel.

He opened the satchel and took out some kind of black tool.

Terrific, Michael thought. A burglar.

In the other room, they began talking about pizza.

One of the men maintained that pizza with a thin crust was the best kind. The woman said she preferred her pizza with a thick crust. The other man said extra cheese was the secret. They all agreed that extra cheese was desirable on a pizza.

Michael was dying of hunger.

The black man was working on the window with the black tool, which Michael surmised was a jimmy.

“When we finish this pizza here,” one of the men said, “I think we ought to do him. Whether Mama’s here or not.”

Michael guessed they were talking about him.

About doing him.

“Anchovies I don’t find too terrific on a pizza,” the woman said.

“Me, neither, Alice,” the other man said.

Alice.

The woman’s name was Alice.

“They’re too salty,” she said.

“They overpower all the other ingredients,” the man said, agreeing.

“Because the longer this man stays alive, the bigger the threat he is,” the first man said, making a reasonable case.

“I think we should wait for Mama,” Alice said.

“It was Mama sent you after him the first time,” the other man said.

“I know that, Larry.”

Larry. Another county heard from.

“So if Mama wanted him dead at eight o’clock tonight,” he said, “why should it be any different now?”

“Because now is ten-thirty and not eight o’clock,” Alice said.

“Which, by the way, you fucked up,” the first man said. “On the roof there.”

“No, by the way, I didn’t fuck up, I was ambushed, Silvio.”

So Alice was the blonde who’d been firing from the roof.

“Which it don’t matter,” Silvio said, “so long as we do the job right this time.”

“That’s still saying I did it wrong last time,” Alice said.

“All I know is what Mama told me. Barnes was down Benny’s asking questions about Arthur Crandall. So Barnes had to go. So you got sent to do him and you didn’t do him, which is why he’s tied to the bed in there now and you’re telling me we should wait for Mama, which I don’t know why.”

“Because I say so,” Alice said flatly.

“And I say we do him and leave him here in Ju Ju’s bed,” Silvio said, and they all burst out laughing again.

They were silent for the next few minutes or so.

Eating.

“As far as I’m concerned,” Alice said, “the best combination is sausage and peppers.”

“On a pizza, you mean?” Larry asked.

“No, on a piano,” Alice said. “Certainly on a pizza. We’re talking about pizza, aren’t we?”

“I thought you were talking about a sandwich,” Larry said.

“If you don’t mind,” Silvio said, “I’m talking about let’s finish the goddamn pizza here and do the man, okay?”

“A grinder, I thought you meant,” Larry said. “A sausage and pepper grinder.”

“No, a pizza,” Alice said. “Half sausage, half pepper.”

Michael was hoping the burglar would hurry up and open the window. Then maybe he could talk the man into untying the ropes. Before they finished their pizza and came in here to do him. But the burglar seemed pretty new at the job. He had put the first tool back into the satchel and had taken out another one, but he didn’t seem to be having any better luck with the new one. Meanwhile, in the other room, the pizza seemed to be dwindling. Michael was happy it had been a large one to begin with.

“Who wants this last slice?” Alice asked.

“Go ahead, take it,” Larry said.

“Hey, wait a minute,” Silvio said, “don’t be so fucking generous with my pizza, if you don’t mind.”

“If you want it, take it,” Alice said.

“Go ahead, Silvio, take it,” Larry said.

“If Alice wants it, she can have it,” Silvio said.

“No, this slice is all anchovies,” Alice said.

“That’s why I don’t want it,” Silvio said.

“I thought you did want it,” Alice said.