Содзи Симада - Murder in the Crooked House

“Oh, no, I wanted to come. I think that I’ve earned the right to visit nice places with you from time to time, to eat good food. Usually you’re the only one who gets to do this fun stuff.”

“ Now you think I’m having fun? Don’t contradict yourself! You just said that I’m humouring the old pervert. You can’t just turn it around and say whatever you like. You’ve got a nerve, woman!”

“It’s that Eiko and Kumi who are ruining the whole thing for us. Why did I come? I don’t understand it. Kumi’s a complete airhead. And she treats you like her own employee.”

“Are you kidding? You’re really imagining things now.”

“I’m not imagining anything!”

“She actually has her good points. She has quite a good heart.”

Hatsue’s mouth fell open.

“What did you say?”

“What now?”

“You are absolutely beyond hope. You have no idea how she sees you, do you?”

“And you really do overthink things.”

“Are you saying that I think too much?”

“Yes. You’re too suspicious. You can’t go through life being that way. You’ve got to toughen up.”

“You call sucking up to Kikuoka, and being bossed around by his mistress being tough?”

“I sure do. A weaker man would never be able to kowtow to someone all day long. I’m tough enough to do it.”

“Ugh. I’ve heard enough.”

“I don’t have any respect for the Chrysanthemum. He’s just got a good head on him for making money, and so I’ve plenty to gain by sticking by him. Most of the time I feel like killing him; in fact last night I had a dream where I split his bald head open and a bunch of petals came showering down. It felt really good.”

“What about Kumi?”

“Kumi? She wasn’t in the dream. Only Kikuoka. I told him to get down on his knees and beg for mercy. I laughed as I picked up an axe and cracked his—”

The story was interrupted by a knock at the door.

“Yes?” called Hatsue automatically. Her husband was still lost in the pleasant memories of his dream. But when he pulled himself together and went to open the door, there stood the object of his tale, the man whose head he had cracked open with an axe just the previous night.

Michio Kanai was so thrown off balance that he couldn’t bring himself to speak. Hatsue came to the rescue by immediately adopting a very convincing meek demeanour.

“Oh, good evening, Mr Kikuoka, sir. Please come in. You’ll find that this room has quite a wonderful view.”

“Sounds like the two of you are having a very lively conversation,” said Kikuoka as he came in.

“Er… yes, well… the view from here is really splendid. And it is all thanks to you, sir. I feel incredibly lucky to have the chance to take this break in such a relaxing place. We both do.”

“Yes, yes. Well, there’s no outdoor view from my room—it’s a bit boring to tell the truth. No complaints about the decor though. Is it really coming down out there?”

“Yes, still the same, isn’t it, dear? A major snowstorm.”

“Yes, really. The same as ever. Still a blizzard out there, Mr Kikuoka.”

Kikuoka looked around the room.

“Wow, this is a deluxe room, isn’t it? Such a dramatic view! It’s a little dark now to be able to see it properly, but I imagine the view tomorrow morning’ll be amazing. Makes me wish I could change rooms with you.”

“Oh, would you like us to switch with you?”

“Eh? What? Oh, no, seems old Hamamoto personally chose that other room for me. Think I’ll just pop up here tomorrow morning and take a look.”

“Please do,” said Hatsue. “You’re welcome anytime. It’s kind of dull here with just the two of us. My husband really is the most unsociable type. Not a thing to say for himself.”

“Ho, ho! That’s a bit harsh, isn’t it? Ha! But I suppose it’s true,” said Michio.

“Hang on! Is that drift ice? That white thing in the distance?”

“Where? Ah, yes, sir. You’re quite right. They say that on a fine day you can see as far as Sakhalin from here.”

“I’m just asking about drift ice.”

“Ah, yes, of course. Yes, it’s an ice floe.”

“There are ice floes visible out there. Ms Hamamoto was kind enough to tell us earlier,” added Hatsue.

“I see. Well, I think it’s about time I was getting to bed. It’s not good for the body to stay up late. If I end up with diabetes from partying into the night, then half the fun of life will be over.”

Kikuoka laughed.

“Diabetes?… Oh, you’re joking? Diabetes? But, sir, you’re so young…” Michio Kanai forced himself to laugh. “You think you might get diabetes! Oh, that’s a good one!”

“I’m not joking at all. You ought to be careful too. You get diabetes and you’ll never be able to satisfy your wife again.”

And with another roar of laughter, he punched Michio playfully in the shoulder a few times, and left the room. The executive husband and wife waited to hear his footsteps going down the stairs, and then exchanged a sour look. The reason was that just two weeks earlier sugar had been found in Michio Kanai’s urine. Since then he’d been using a special sweetener for diabetics which was an extremely unpleasant substitute for the real thing. Only someone who had been forced to try it could understand just how unpleasant it was.

“It just makes me want to cry. How come a fat old lecher like him doesn’t get diabetes and a skinny, clean-living man like you ends up a diabetic? He deserves to get it! Then he wouldn’t be able to sleep around so much! Life really isn’t fair.”

“Shut up! Let’s just go to sleep.”

“You can sleep by yourself. I’ll go and sleep in the bath or somewhere.”

“Do what you like!”

“When I think how tomorrow we’re going to have to sit through that irritating cow’s piano recital again, I get too angry to sleep. I don’t know why she can’t just shut the hell up.”

Right then, there was another knock at the door. Hatsue was panting like a wild beast from the effort of spitting out so much invective, but when she saw who was at the door, her voice instantly took on the sweetness of a teenage girl’s.

“Oh, hello, Ms Hamamoto! What can we do for you?”

“I was just doing the rounds of all the rooms to check that there’s nothing you need. I wondered if you had any questions about anything.”

“No, there’s nothing at all we could possibly want,” said Michio. “This is such a wonderful room. And as it’s my second visit, I don’t think there’s anything we need to ask you.”

“Is there enough hot water?”

“Yes, plenty, thank you.”

“I’m glad to hear it. I just wanted to make sure.”

“Thank you so much for inviting us to such a lovely party,” said Hatsue. “And your piano recital was such a treat!”

“Yes, Ms Hamamoto, you’re a truly gifted player. Have you been studying long?”

Michio Kanai’s face wore its usual plastered smile.

“Yes, I suppose it has been a rather long time. I started taking lessons when I was four. But I’m really not a very good player. I’m rather embarrassed that my performance was so poor.”

“Not at all. It was absolutely delightful,” simpered Hatsue. “This husband of mine has nothing interesting about him at all. He’s like a limp stick of celery. Unless we come for a little holiday like this, we never get to do anything fun at all.”

“Hey, Hatsue, that’s not true! But I really hope you’ll play for us again tomorrow, Ms Hamamoto.”

“Yes, please!”

“Ah, I’m so sorry. Tomorrow my father plans to play everybody something from his record collection.”

“You’re so talented, Ms Hamamoto! I wish I’d taken the piano when I was a girl. I was just saying the same thing to my husband.”