Эд Макбейн - Snow White and Rose Red

“He seems to know his job,” I said, and returned the smile.

“And of course he told you I am totally apeshit.”

I had decided that I would be completely honest with her at all times. If she was sane, she was entitled to an open lawyer — client relationship. If she was what they said she was, then perhaps her reaction to the truth would reveal something I could not detect on the surface.

“He said you’re a very sick person, yes.”

“Did he describe my delusional system?” Sarah asked.

“Not in detail. He said it’s... elaborate, was the word he used.”

“Yes. And am I hearing voices and such?”

“Are you?”

“The only voice I’m hearing right now is yours. And I’m also picking up snatches of conversation between Anna and her daughter there. Anna thinks the FBI is investigating her for making pornographic films. Writing, directing, starring in, and producing skin flicks.”

She glanced over toward where a woman in her seventies was sitting in quiet conversation with a younger woman who kept patting her hand.

“That’s Anna ’s delusion,” Sarah said.

“And yours?”

“My alleged delusion? The one they cooked up to get me in this place? Ah, elaborate indeed. But then, Dr. Schlockmeister knows his job, as you pointed out. He certainly wouldn’t have come up with a garden-variety delusional system, would he?”

“Dr. who ?” I said.

“No, Who’s on first,” Sarah said, and smiled. “Schlockmeister — that’s short for Helsinger. Or long, as the case may be.”

“And you feel he’s the one who, in effect, created a phony delusional system and attributed it to you?”

“Oh, how pretty the man talks,” Sarah said, and rolled her eyes. “Sure. That’s what he did.”

“What sort of delusional system?”

“We start with an unresolved Electra situation,” Sarah said, and sighed. “The so-called delusional atmosphere, a fixation on dear Daddy as evidenced by a fondness for horseback riding and an unnatural desire to please the master of the house. We take it from there to the onset of the delusional system itself, the certainty that Daddy is having an affair with a person unknown—”

“ Was he?”

“This is my supposed delusion, Mr. Hope. Do I have to call you Mr. Hope?”

“You can call me Matthew, if you like.”

“Does anyone call you Matt?”

“A few people.”

“I prefer Matthew.”

“So do I.”

“Done, then,” she said, and smiled again. “In this ‘elaborate’ delusional system I am alleged to have evolved, Daddy was having an affair with one or perhaps many women, it varies from day to day — we lunatics are not often consistent, you know — which naturally infuriated his only daughter because it deprived her of the love and affection to which she was entitled as her birthright. Are you following me?”

“Yes.”

“In short, despite empirical evidence to the contrary — there was not even a hint that Daddy was ever anything but completely faithful to my mother — I persisted in believing that he was screwing around outside the marriage, and confronted him with this certain belief. A delusion, you see, isn’t simply a vague feeling . It’s a positive belief unwaveringly held in the face of—”

“Yes, Helsinger told me.”

“Yes,” she said. “So I’m supposed to have gone to Daddy and told him to quit playing around because he was being unfaithful not only to my mother but to me as well. Moreover, if he really wanted to play around, I am alleged to have said, why didn’t he play around with me ? I was free, white, twenty-four, and reasonably attractive — do you find me reasonably attractive, Matthew?”

“Yes, I do.”

“I wasn’t begging for a compliment,” she said. “Or perhaps I was. The one thing you never feel in this place is beautiful. Or even mildly attractive. Unless you’re Anna the Porn Queen, who claims she gets telepathic messages every day from her millions of panting fans out there. In any event, my delusional system is supposed to include anger over severe deprivation — because Daddy never thought I was as beautiful as the woman he was seeing outside the marriage. And I’m supposed to have gone to him and — well, propositioned him, I suppose is the word — an unseemly and unnatural thing for a daughter, however loving, to have done. Shades of incest, shame, shame, shame.” She smiled. “Am I frightening you?” she said. “Don’t worry, I’m not Becky, I won’t try to bite your cock.” I must have reacted. She looked at my face and said, “Oops, now you’ll think I’m as crazy as she is. You must forgive me, I’m far too outspoken, I know. But it’s best to say what’s on one’s mind, isn’t it? Especially when one is supposed to be out of that mind.”

I thought suddenly of Terry Belmont, who also said everything that was on her mind. Terry wasn’t crazy — at least I didn’t think she was. Did Sarah saying what was on her mind make her crazy? Or did someone’s mere presence in a mental institution cause everything she said or did to become suspect?

“I want you to say what’s on your mind,” I said. “But not just to shock me.”

“Touché,” she said. “I was trying to shock you.”

“Why?”

“Because you seem so very staid and proper.”

She looked at me steadily.

“You are thinking I’m nuts, aren’t you? But I have to be able to tell you whatever I think, Matthew. Otherwise it’s no good.”

“Okay,” I said.

“Can you see why it wouldn’t be any good if I had to pretend sanity? To be on guard every moment against any stray thought that might be considered insane?”

“Yes, I can understand that.”

“Allow me to breathe, Matthew,” she said. “God knows, the rest won’t.”

“Okay,” I said again.

“Good,” she said. “Where were we?”

“You were propositioning your father, I believe.”

“In my mad, delusional way, yes. He was shocked, too. In fact, he suffered a heart attack two weeks later. Small wonder, your own daughter inviting you to an orgy.” She rolled her eyes again.

“When was this?” I said.

“When I’m supposed to have propositioned him? Or the heart attack that killed him? He died on the third of September, so I guess Schlockmeister sets the infamous proposition sometime in the middle of August.”

“He was informed of this?”

“Helsinger? Of course not. It never happened . The alleged proposition is part of the invented delusion, don’t you see? If I’m not delusional, then none of it happened. If I am delusional, then they were right to send me here, and I’m wasting your time. And mine, too, by the way.”

“Okay. According to them, you suddenly went to your father—”

“Well, none of this happens suddenly . The delusional ‘atmosphere’ is supposed to have existed for a long time. Every little girl has a crush on her father, you know — are you aware that the horse is a fixed dream symbol for Daddy? A little-known fact, but true. Have you ever wondered why so many prepubescent girls take to horseback riding, whereas boys of the same age couldn’t care less? An attempt to resolve the Electra situation, which if not dealt with can become an Electra complex — Oedipus in reverse. They would have it that this was the start of all my trouble. Loving Daddy too intensely. Lusting for Daddy, if you will. My father was a very demonstrative man, you see. Always hugging and kissing me. Quite the contrary, in fact, to what my delusional system maintains.”