Ник Сайнт - Purrfect Heat

“Females are not chattel, Dooley,” I said sternly. “You need to treat them with respect, just like you do with everyone.”

“Don’t listen to that wuss,” said Diego. “He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

“Hey, who are you calling a wuss?” Brutus snarled, stepping to my defense.

“You! All of you! You’re just a bunch of pussies.”

Well, he was right about that, of course. We were pussies.

“You take that back!” Brutus yelled.

Diego displayed a wide grin and lifted his paw, displaying sharp claws. “And what if I don’t?”

“Don’t be like that, you guys,” said Dooley. “Diego is our friend. He can teach us stuff. Lots of interesting stuff.”

“Whatever Diego told you, you better forget, Dooley,” I said. “All of it.”

Diego apparently had had enough. He suddenly stepped up and hit me, hard, across the nose. “Ouch!” I cried as blood trickled down my snout.

“See?!” Diego cried. “Your friend is just a dumb scaredy-cat, Dooley. Can’t even defend himself!”

Dooley sat staring at me. “Max? Is he right? Are you a scaredy-cat?”

I would have told him I was a lover, not a fighter, but that just didn’t seem right under the circumstances. Instead, I glowered at Diego. Truth was, I’m not much of a brawler. I like to think I’m above physical violence. And then there was the fact that Diego looked a lot fitter and stronger than me, and I had the sneaking suspicion he was going to beat me in a fair fight.

“Don’t you go hitting my friend, you sneaky snake in the grass,” Brutus growled.

Diego had gone through quite the transformation. His tail was fluffed up and he was making low growling sounds at the back of his throat. His claws were out and his head was down, snarling and hissing at Brutus. Yep. He was ready to fight.

Brutus, seeing this, seemed taken aback. “Go on,” I said. “You can beat him!”

But Brutus didn’t seem entirely sure. “I don’t know, Max,” he said. “He looks really mean.”

And then suddenly, out of nowhere, Diego lashed out, slashing Brutus across the face with his claws. Brutus said, “Eek!” and jumped back just in time to avoid the razor-sharp claws of his opponent, then sat there, his tail between his legs.

Diego huffed out a booming laugh. “See, Dooley? Your friends are just a couple of pussies!” He draped a paw around Dooley’s shoulder. “You stick with me from now on, buddy. I’ll teach you everything I know.”

“Dooley!” I cried. “Don’t go with him!”

Dooley glanced back. He seemed confused and conflicted.

All of a sudden there was a loud CLUNK right next to us. I jerked my head up, and saw that a cat had landed on the dumpster. She was a feral cat, her fur all mangled and matted and missing in parts. She looked like she’d been in more fights than the members of Fight Club , and had a scar that ran through one of her eyes. She looked like a monster. I recognized her instantly.

“Clarice!” I cried.

“Oh, no, not Clarice,” Brutus said with a whimper, and Dooley, too, didn’t look happy to see her. He clasped a hand to his nose, which tended to get slashed every time we got involved with the wild cat.

“Who the hell are you?” Diego asked, giving her the evil eye.

“I am your worst nightmare,” she hissed, slowly moving along the top of the dumpster, her claws scratching the metal. “I am the one female that will never be seduced by your clever lines, your smooth tongue or your treacherous lies.”

“You’re not a female,” Diego said with a careless laugh. “I don’t know what you are, but you’re definitely not on my list. Just look at her, Dooley. Ha ha! Look at that mongrel, dude!”

But Dooley wasn’t laughing, and neither was the rest of us.

“Better hold your tongue, Diego,” she hissed, running a claw along the edge of the dumpster. “Or I just might cut it out!”

“What an idiot!” Diego laughed. “And ugly as the night, too!”

“Max, Brutus and Dooley are my friends,” Clarice declared, quite surprisingly. “You mess with my friends, you mess with me!”

“Well, come on then,” said Diego. “If you want to rumble, let’s rumble!”

Clarice displayed a sly smile. “Oh, you’re asking for it? Well, fine.”

And with these words, she jumped from the dumpster, right on top of Diego’s head. For the next few seconds, there was a blur of activity as the two cats fought. There was a lot of hissing, a lot of snarling, and even more vicious clawing going on. Fur was flying as claws were scratching and hitting their mark.

Then, as suddenly as it had all started, it was over. There was a loud squeak of pain, and a whirr of orange as Diego raced off, his tail between his legs, missing a good chunk of fur and leaving a trail of blood as he streaked off, caterwauling all the while.

Clarice, who seemed unharmed, sat casually licking the blood from her claws. “That should teach that misguided Romeo a lesson he’ll never forget.”

“Clarice, you’re my hero!” suddenly a voice rang out behind us.

We all looked around, and saw that we’d been joined by Harriet.

She sat looking at the spot of orange in the distance that was Diego.

“How long have you been sitting there?” I asked.

“Long enough to hear Diego’s mean-spirited and outright horrible advice,” she said softly. “And even long enough to see him with that other cat.” She gestured up. “I was actually on the roof. I’d followed him here when he went out. Said he was going to get a breath of fresh air.” She shook her head. “I knew he was up to no good. A player like him?”

Clarice stared at the spot of orange that grew smaller and smaller. “I don’t think he’ll be back, honey. I hope you don’t mind.”

“No, I don’t,” she said. “In fact I should have been the one to teach him a lesson.” She nodded at the feral cat. “Thank you, Clarice.”

Clarice shrugged. “Eh. Just a little community service. I had my eye on that player for a while. Nasty little devil. I enjoyed it, actually. It’s not every day that I can take out the good old claws and get a little practice in.”

“I’m so sorry, Brutus,” Harriet said. “I know I hurt you terribly.”

“Oh, sweetie pie,” Brutus muttered brokenly. “Sugar plum.”

“Oh, hugsy wugsy,” Harriet sighed. “My huggy boo. Forgive me?”

“Of course, sweet cheeks. In a heartbeat.”

“Oh, cuddle cakes.”

The big reunion scene was both endearing and massively annoying, and I had to turn away when Harriet and Brutus started sniffing each other’s butts, just like old times.

“Ugh,” Clarice said. “I’m out of here. This is too much for me.”

This from the cat that took on bullies twice her size and fed on rats that would have scared the average human.

“Bye, Clarice,” Dooley said.

“See ya next time,” Clarice said, padding off. “Stay out of trouble, you two.”

We looked on as she gracefully jumped up on a dumpster, then onto a ledge, and then made her way to the roof of the nearest store.

Dooley let out a long sigh of admiration. “What a cat,” he said.

“Yeah, what a cat,” I agreed heartily.

Dooley turned to me. “I’m sorry I doubted you, Max.”

“That’s all right.”

“No, you were right. Diego was a bad influence. It’s just that… he sounded so convincing.”

“That’s the power of the dark side for you, Dooley,” I said.

“Oh, is that what that was?” he asked, eyes wide. “It’s so powerful!”

“Yeah, good thing Clarice showed up and brought you back to the light.”

“Right,” he said. “So Clarice is like Princess Leia, huh?”