Ник Сайнт - Purrfect Crime

“That’s just not true!” I said a little heatedly. “I appreciate Odelia just as much as you do, maybe even more, and I love her more because she’s my human, not yours.”

Dooley raised his chin. “She may not technically be my human, but since I’m more lovable she loves me a lot more than she loves you.”

“ You’re more lovable? I’m more lovable! And Odelia loves me the most.”

“She does not. She loves me the most!”

“Does not!”

“Does too!”

“Not!”

“Too!”

“Guys, guys!” said Odelia, who must have overheard the discussion. She glanced at us through the rearview mirror. “Let’s keep it civil.”

“Odelia, Dooley says he loves you more than me,” I complained. “But that’s not possible, is it?”

“You’re arguing over who loves me more? Aww, that’s so sweet,” said Odelia.

“I love you the most,” said Dooley, “which means I get to give you away, right?”

“Give me away? Why would you want to get rid of me? I thought you just said you loved me.”

“It’s a tradition. Marge told me all about it. When a woman gets married, the one who loves her the most gives her away to the guy she’s getting married to. And since you’re getting married to Chase, I want to be the one to give you away.”

Odelia laughed. “Dooley, I’m touched that you would want to do that, but first of all, I’m not getting married anytime soon.”

“You’re not?”

“No, I’m not. And secondly, I’m pretty sure my dad would like to give me away. That’s also part of the tradition.”

“Your dad?” asked Dooley, disappointed.

“See?” I said. “I told you.”

“You’re not getting married?” asked Harriet, also entering the discussion.

“No, of course not. Who said anything about getting married?”

“But… you were kissing Chase.”

Odelia smiled indulgently. “Look, I like Chase. I like him a lot. And because I like him so much, I also enjoy kissing him. That’s what humans do. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to marry him.”

“Oh,” said Harriet, looking confused. She’d obviously been watching the same goop as Dooley. Damn that Hallmark Channel. Putting all these weird ideas in cats’ heads.

“I still think it’s disgusting,” Brutus muttered, making a face. “Yuck.”

“Brutus!” Harriet cried. “It’s not disgusting. It’s beautiful.” She sighed. “It’s love.”

“Well, not love, exactly,” I said. “It’s more a matter of hormones.”

“Oh, it is, is it?” asked Odelia with a laugh.

“Yeah. I don’t know how it works, exactly, but I’m pretty sure pheromones feature into the thing pretty heavily.” See? I don’t watch the Hallmark Channel but the Discovery Channel. That’s why I’m smart and the others are all dummies.

“It’s not all about pheromones, Max,” said Odelia softly, and she got that faraway look in her eyes again. I didn’t know why she got that look, but I’m pretty sure it had something with hormones, too. Whenever humans act funny, hormones are your safest bet. Just trust me on that.

We’d arrived home and Odelia dropped us off at the house. She walked in to get a bite to eat from the fridge and then installed us in front of the computer, so we could do ‘Internet searches’ to our hearts’ content. And just when Harriet had clicked on her first key, the doorbell rang. And as Odelia went to answer it, the glass sliding door opened and Gran waltzed in. “Is he here?” she asked in that croaky voice of hers.

“Is who here?” I asked suspiciously. I just hoped Gran hadn’t set up some kind of date with a man in Odelia’s house. After all that kissing stuff back at the gym I didn’t know how much more of this human lovemaking thing I could take right now.

“The UPS guy, of course. Who else?”

Just then, Odelia returned with a bulky package, a puzzled look on her face. When she saw Gran, that puzzled look turned into one of concern. “Please tell me you didn’t order any more Donna Bruce stuff, Gran.”

“Of course I ordered more Donna Bruce stuff,” Gran snapped. “I’m an old lady. I’m bored. I need to buy stuff so I can entertain myself. It’s what old people do.” She held up a bony finger. “And don’t give me that you’re-too-old-for-this-stuff crap. I get that enough from Tex. Now gimme.” And with these words, she snatched the package from Odelia’s hands and placed it on the living room table. In next to no time she ripped away the packaging and revealed the contents within.

I’d jumped down from the desk that held the computer and onto the chair that gave me a better vantage point to examine this new package. What I saw frankly worried me. There was a black mask, a whip of some kind, a pair of handcuffs, something that looked like a paddle, and a fuzzy, fluffy thing that may or may not have been a tickler. Huh?

Gran produced a fat chuckle and grabbed this new loot in her arms and started distributing it amongst the many pockets of her dress. “Pity Leo’s gone. He would have loved this stuff.”

“What is it?” asked Dooley.

She directed a keen look at him. “None of your business. You’re a little too young to know.”

“Are you going to arrest someone with those handcuffs?” asked Harriet.

“Sure. One hot stud—at least that’s what I hope.”

“Gran,” said Odelia reproachfully. “You can’t keep doing this. Dad’s going to kill you when he finds out.”

“Who’s going to tell him?”

“He’s going to know when he looks at his credit card bill.”

“They don’t itemize stuff. I’ll just tell him it’s adult diapers.”

“He’s your doctor. He would know if you needed adult diapers.”

“I’ll tell him it’s preventive. What?” she added when Odelia gave her a critical look. “It never hurts to be careful about these things.” She flicked the whip a few times, a look of relish on her wrinkled old face. “I’m gonna have so much fun!”

And then, before we could ask her any more questions, she was gone—out the door quick as a flash.

“I still don’t get it,” said Dooley. “That stuff is never featured on the Hallmark Channel.”

“It’s not on the Discovery Channel either,” I said, equally puzzled. I turned to Odelia. “Is it featured on any channel?”

“Yeah, are we missing something?” asked Dooley.

Odelia smiled. “Oh, it’s on a channel, all right, but not one destined for babies like you. Now, are you going to help me out with this Donna Bruce thing or not?”

Dutifully, we hopped down from the table and returned to our Internet search. Even with me and Dooley pooling our knowledge, gleaned from the Hallmark Channel and the Discovery Channel, there obviously was still a lot about the human experience that was alien to us. A lot of strange and wonderful things that were out there. But first… we had a murder to solve.

Chapter 12

Ransom Montlló lived in a dilapidated boarding house near the main road out of town. When Odelia and Chase arrived, a seedy-looking individual with a beer belly and a brown-bagged bottle of liquor in his hand sat playing fetch with his dog out on the front porch. He threw a stick in the direction of the road and the dog fetched it and returned it to the man’s feet. Each time the dog ran off, the man took a swig from his bottle, then bent down to pick up the stick and threw it away again.

They mounted the creaky porch, avoiding the one broken step, and Chase brought out his police badge. “Are you the owner of this establishment, sir?”

“That, I’m not,” said the man, slightly slurring his words.

“We’re looking for Ransom Montlló.”

“That, I am,” said the man, and hiccuped. He frowned at Chase. “Am I in some kind of trouble, officer?” He held up his liquor bottle, wrapped in the brown paper bag. “This is not what it looks like.”