Ник Сайнт - Purrfect Secret

And Milo did, and happily so. “See, the thing is that when your and Max’s mother was very young, she had an affair with Harriet’s brother, which resulted in the litter that contained you and which was subsequently rejected by the cat your mother had been seeing before the affair. Your mother went on to have Max, who ended up growing up in a warm nest, while you, the illegitimate spawn of a doomed affair, were rejected and left to die.”

“I was left to die?” asked Brutus, dazed. This was the first he ever heard of this.

“You grew up without a mother, without a father, unloved, unwanted, and forced to fend for yourself on the mean streets of New York, where a cat’s life is worth nothing.”

Odd. He couldn’t remember these mean streets. He liked the story, though. It held a strange kind of fascination. Almost like the soap operas Granny liked to watch. “Go on.”

“You became strong—because you had to be strong to survive. You became… Brutus.”

“You mean I wasn’t always Brutus?”

“Your mother christened you Whiskers.”

Ugh. “What a dumb-ass name.”

“Right? You’re a self-made cat, Brutus. You even adopted a new name. To better indicate the kind of cat you’d become. Tough. Butch. A real cat’s cat. Top of the heap.”

He liked this story better and better. He was tough. And he was a cat’s cat. The only thing he didn’t like was the part about him being Dooley’s dad. He watched as Dooley sniffed his own poop now and shook his head. No way was he that sad dude’s dad. Milo must have sensed his discomfort, for he said, “If it’s any consolation, Dooley’s mother passed on a long time ago, Brutus.” He quickly crossed himself. “May she rest in peace.”

“Who was she?”

“Oh, just some bimbo you met on those mean streets of New York. You wouldn’t remember her. Just one of the many, many— many —notches on your collar.”

It was true. He’d had a few conquests in his time—and Milo was right. He didn’t remember any cat he ever met and knocked up on those mean streets—he didn’t even remember those mean streets. Or New York. “So how did Dooley end up in Hampton Cove?”

“That’s a very interesting story.”

But the story would have to wait for another time, for at that exact moment Harriet suddenly made a pass at Max and that was something Brutus could not allow to happen!

Chapter 18

I’d been brooding for the longest time, and by the time I reached the good old homestead again, my mood had plummeted to the darkest depths of the feline mind. Which is why the scene as I encountered it upon my return didn’t strike me as odd at first.

The fact that Dooley was chomping down pawfuls of Cat Snax was a little weird, especially since he and I had an understanding: he knew how much I loved Cat Snax, and how I considered them a special treat, only to be devoured at the end of the day, and only in small portions. The fact that he’d eaten all of them and must have induced Gran to open up another packet and had scarfed that down, too, irked me a little. No, make that a lot.

But since I wasn’t on speaking terms with Dooley I found myself a little hamstrung. I made a mental note to tell Odelia later on, though. No more Cat Snax for Dooley.

And then there was the horrible habit he’d developed of pooping on the rug and then wiping his butt on that same rug. By the time I got home he must have been at it to a considerable extent, for the rug, which had once been off-white, was now off white completely. In fact it had turned completely brown. And smelly. And frankly disgusting. Not only that, but even as I watched Dooley was meticulously wiping his tush on Odelia’s wall! Right underneath the intercom, in full view of everyone, and where it wouldn’t be missed.

If I were Dooley, and faced with this sudden defecatory urge, at the very least I would pick a spot that was a little more discreet. Then again, it really wasn’t my problem.

Still, it was odd. And you know what was even odder? The fact that Harriet had been staring at me ever since I’d arrived home. In fact she was looking at me the way one stares at a bug. The kind of bug one has never seen before. Bugs so ugly they fascinate and amuse.

I didn’t want to acknowledge her, though, in light of what Milo had told me she thought of me. That I was too dumb and too ugly and too boring to spend time with. That’s probably what this was. She thought I was so ugly she couldn’t look away. Like a car crash.

And that was my life in a nutshell: an ex-friend who’d regressed to the scatological stage, and another ex-friend who reveled in my hideousness. And things would probably have stayed that way if Harriet hadn’t suddenly approached, presumably to ascertain whether I was as ugly from up close as from afar, and Brutus hadn’t come roaring onto the scene, claws extended, tail distended, back arched, and hissing like a rattlesnake!

“Take your paws off my lady!” he thundered.

“Brutus!” Harriet cried, as shocked as I was at this sudden outburst. “Stop it!”

The sound of his lady love’s voice had an immediate effect on Brutus. His claws retracted, his tail returned to its normal size, and for a moment he seemed irresolute.

“Brutus, boogie bear,” said Harriet, putting her paw on the berserk cat’s paw.

But the moment she touched him, he jerked back, as if stung.

“Don’t touch me!” he yelled.

“What’s the matter?” Harriet asked. “Are you in pain, care bear?”

Brutus opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again and stalked off.

“Brutus! Honey lamb!” Harriet called out, but Brutus was gone.

Harriet turned to me, then seemed to think better of it, and turned away.

What the huckleberry was going on? For a moment I locked eyes with Dooley, but he turned away, too, and moved off, his tail between his legs, disappearing into the backyard.

Milo then joined me, shaking his head commiseratingly. “I think Brutus has finally gone off the deep end, buddy. Did you see what happened just now?”

“Yeah, I was there, Milo,” I said, still reeling from the turn of events.

“He was going to slug you, slugger. He was going to do you harm. Good thing he didn’t, huh? Or you’d be dead meat.”

“But why? Why would he suddenly turn on me like that?”

“Isn’t it obvious? Brutus is your long-lost son, buddy.”

“What?!”

“Sure. He’s just had the results back from that test Vena ran. Turns out you fathered a son and Brutus is that son. He must have suspected this for a long, long time, which is why he came to Hampton Cove in the first place, hoping to meet the father who deserted him.”

“But… that’s impossible! I’m… neutered,” I added, my voice dropping, for I wasn’t proud of the fact.

“You think you’re neutered but you’re not, Maxie,” said Milo earnestly. “They lied to you, buddy. You’re a fully functional tomcat.”

“But… why would they lie about something like that?!”

“Because that’s what they do! Humans, I mean. They lie and they cheat and they think it’s one big hoot. We’re dumb animals to them, Max. They’re just having a bit of fun at our expense.”

“I don’t get it,” I said, shaking my head. In fact my head was hurting. “So… Brutus is my son? So who is the mother?”

Milo gave me a cheeky grin. “Do you have to ask?”

“Yes, I do.” I couldn’t remember ever having been… intimate with any cat. Another big secret I wasn’t willing to share with anyone. Except that one time behind that big cedar in the church parking lot. I was young and foolish and she was pretty and game and… Well, we sniffed each other’s butts for the better part of an hour but nothing more came of it.