Ник Сайнт - Purrfect Advice. Purrfect Passion. A Purrfect Gnomeful

It was a sacrifice I was willing to make, though.

We passed through the basement door and paused on the first step. The peace treaty I’d negotiated with the mouse colony divides the house into different zones, not unlike Berlin at the end of World War II: the living room and the upstairs are ours, and the basement is reserved for Hector and Helga, which means it’s a no-go zone for us cats.

But since the mice have been trespassing into our zones so often recently I just figured the treaty was null and void.

“Let’s do this,” I said therefore, and trotted down the stairs, three cats and one sheepdog in my wake.

Arriving in the basement I sniffed and had to admit that Hector and Helga ran a tight ship. Feces-wise, I mean. I didn’t detect even a hint of mouse droppings.

“Hey, what are you doing here!” immediately a voice cried out. It belonged to Hector, the paterfamilias, and when he became aware of the presence of Rufus, I thought I could detect a hint of fear in his beady little eyes.

His little nose rose up into the air and he sniffed and wiggled his tail freely.

“Hector,” I said. “I’m afraid this cannot go on. Your offspring has been invading our space and absconding with our food supply so often now Odelia’s household budget has taken a serious dent. When she decided to adopt us, she allowed for four extra mouths to feed, and did so happily, as she loves cats and that’s what cat people do. But she never budgeted for one hundred extra little mouths to feed, if you see what I mean.”

“Two hundred,” Hector said as he eyed Rufus suspiciously.

“Two hundred!” I cried. “This situation is simply unsustainable, Hector. And it’s not fair. You promised me you wouldn’t steal the food from our table. You gave me your solemn word that you would forage outside. That you would live on the seeds and the bugs that are reaped aplenty in the gardens of our neighborhood. But instead you simply steal our kibble and raid Odelia’s fridge, pantry and cupboards. It’s simply not fair.”

“Oh, tush,” said Hector. “I never made any such promises.”

“Yes, you did!”

“You did, Hector,” Dooley confirmed. “I was there when you and Helga told us.”

“That’s the problem with you cats,” said Hector. “You only hear what you want to hear. I never said anything about living on seeds and bugs alone. You try to raise two hundred kids on seeds and bugs. I’d like to see you try.”

“What’s going on here?” asked a second voice. Helga came crawling out of a tiny hole in the wall and seemed startled when she saw the collected gathering. “Hey, you’re not supposed to be down here,” she said immediately.

“Max has brought a canine associate,” said Hector. “I didn’t catch your name, buddy,” he added, addressing Rufus.

“I’m Rufus,” said Rufus. “And I’m here to negotiate with you guys.”

“Well, negotiate away,” said Helga, crossing two tiny arms over her tiny chest. Her tiny little nose was waggling excitedly, but her face spelled storm.

“Max claims he never promised to share his food with us,” said Hector.

“Oh, yes, you did,” said Helga. “And you’re not going to backtrack now. You said we could eat whatever we wanted. That we were your treasured guests.”

“I never said any such thing!” I cried, getting more and more indignant.

“That’s cats for you,” said Hector, shaking his head. “You simply can’t trust them.”

“Devious creatures,” his wife agreed.

“Look, I would advise you to take a hike,” said Hector. “This is our basement and you have no business coming down here and stinking up the place with your cat stink.”

“Yeah, this cat and dog smell is the last thing we need,” said Helga.

“You’re telling us we stink?” asked Harriet, also getting worked up now.

“Let’s just say this particular ‘odor’ you guys spread is the last thing a growing mouse needs,” said Hector.

More mice had crawled out of different holes in the wall, and we were now surrounded by dozens and dozens of the tiny creatures. And all of them were throwing us less-than-friendly glances. It was a strange experience, to be treated as hostiles in our own home.

“Look, you guys have got to move out,” said Rufus now, finally remembering the reason for his visit. “This is not your home and I think it’s time for you to move along.”

“We’re not going anywhere, fleabag,” said Hector. “Who are you anyway?”

“I’m Ted and Marcie’s dog,” Rufus explained. “We live next door to Tex and Marge.”

Helga narrowed her eyes. “I know you. You scared the living daylights out of our cousins Molly and Rupert, didn’t you? Not nice of you, dog. Not nice at all.”

Molly and Rupert had once lived in Odelia’s basement, before moving one basement over into Tex and Marge’s basement, and making a final move to Ted and Marcie’s.

“What happened to Molly and Rupert?” I asked now.

“They moved on,” said Rufus. “When Marcie put out mouse traps they figured it better to find some other place to infest.”

“Hey, that’s a very nasty thing to say, dog!” said Hector.

“Yeah, we’re clean mice, and we have every right to be here, same as you,” Helga added.

It was clear we weren’t getting anywhere. If I’d hoped the presence of Rufus would make a difference, it clearly hadn’t. These mice weren’t scared of anyone, even a big dog.

Harriet gave Rufus a poke in the rear. “Do something,” she hissed.

Rufus, not exactly the fiercest dog in the universe, was clearly at a loss.

“What do you want me to do?” he asked.

“Scare them!” said Harriet.

“Scare them?” The concept seemed alien to the good-natured mutt.

“Yeah. Scare the bejeesus out of them.”

Rufus gave me a questioning look, and I shrugged. I didn’t know how to be scary any more than he did, so he was on his own there.

“Bark,” said Brutus. “Isn’t that what dogs do?”

Rufus did as he was told: he opened his mouth and emitted a short bark.

Hector and Helga shared a look of confusion, then started laughing.

Rufus tried again, this time putting more pep into his performance. He barked a couple of times, and even snarled. The result was two hundred mice rolling on the floor laughing.

And it was with our tails between our legs that we finally emerged from the basement.

I don’t know if you’ve ever been laughed out of your own basement by a nest of mice. Well, let me tell you it’s not a pleasant experience. In fact it’s quite humiliating.

“I’m sorry, you guys,” Rufus said ruefully. “They’re a tough crowd, these mice of yours.”

And that, they most certainly were.

Chapter 16

“Oh, sweetheart, don’t look so sad,” said Charlene. “It’s for your own good.”

Alec muttered something under his breath. Charlene had taken away his slice of chocolate pie and returned it to the platter for someone else to enjoy. He’d watched its departure with a sinking feeling. He liked chocolate pie. In fact he loved the darn stuff.

“You know what the doctor said. If you don’t lose weight now you’re putting yourself at risk. Obesity is no laughing matter.”

“I’m not obese,” he grumbled.

“Yet. But you’re getting there.”

They were walking down the street, on their way to the Seabreeze Music Center, where the Maria Power retrospective was taking place.

Both of them were dressed as garden gnomes: Charlene as a pretty female gnome, Alec as a jolly and more bulbous male gnome. Their cheeks were red, their heads were adorned with white pointy caps, and they were dressed in yards of red and green felt.

More gnomes were also heading in the direction of the center, and as they drew closer, they were surrounded by gnomes of all shapes and sizes. It was a festive occasion, and a sight to behold. But Alec couldn’t enjoy it the way he would have liked. Not after the chairman of one of the two fan clubs had possibly murdered a woman, and not after Charlene had taken away a good-looking piece of chocolate pie he’d marked for his own.