Ник Сайнт - Purrfect Advice. Purrfect Passion. A Purrfect Gnomeful

“You’re right,” said my friend. “We have to watch him like a hawk. Did you know that hawks can spot a prey from a hundred feet? Amazing creatures, hawks. They eat mice.”

Dooley watches a lot of Discovery Channel, which is preferable to watching Gran’s batch of daily soap operas. It sometimes leads to strange interludes in our conversations, though.

“Speaking of mice,” I said, “did you ever find out why Hector prefers our basement over Marge’s?” I couldn’t help but think back to those halcyon days when we were still blissfully unaware of Passion Island and missing women, the days before Kimmy had entered our lives and dragged us out to Koh Samui Island with its palm trees and scorching heat.

“Odelia says it’s because they know we won’t harm them,” said Dooley.

“Brutus and Harriet wouldn’t harm them either,” I said, frowning. I didn’t like these disparaging notions about my mouse-hunting prowess being bandied about so loosely.

“No, but Harriet at least tried to catch them once, remember?”

“That wasn’t Hector and Helga. That was a different family of mice.”

“Odelia thinks mice talk. And word must have spread about Harriet being the kind of cat who doesn’t waste time hunting any rodent intruder.”

“Mh,” I said dubiously.

“It’s a good thing, Max,” said Dooley. “If the mice of Hampton Cove all think you’re a softie, it says a lot about you. You should take it as a compliment.”

“I’m not sure that a reputation of being soft on mice is necessarily a good thing, Dooley. What if all the mice of Hampton Cove decide to come and live with us? Where would that leave us? Out on the street, probably.”

He threw me a worried glance, in between his stares at Mike. “In that case I hope the house won’t be overrun with mice by the time we get back.”

“Uncle Alec said he’d drop by once a week to water the plants,” I reminded him.

We both shared a look of concern now. Uncle Alec isn’t exactly the most conscientious homeowner. His own place is usually a mess of epic proportions, so his promise to watch Odelia and Marge’s houses was probably not such a good thing.

“Look, we made a pact,” I reiterated a point I’d had to explain to a lot of cats since its inception. “And Hector is not the kind of mouse who’d renege on a promise once given.”

Though truth be told his kids didn’t always seem to adhere to the pact, judging from the food that kept disappearing from Odelia’s fridge and pantry at regular intervals.

“Max!” suddenly Dooley cried. “He’s going in! He’s going to try and kiss her!”

Dooley was right. Right before our very eyes Mike was leaning across the table, which was set for a romantic dinner for two, complete with candles and the resort’s very best china, a string quartet’s gentle tones oozing from the speakers.

“As we practiced, Dooley,” I said crisply. “On your mark—ready, set, GO!”

And as one cat we jumped on top of the offending lover boy.

Odelia had to admit that Mike made for good company. Frankly she was feeling a little drowsy. She still hadn’t fully recovered from the jet lag, and spending the afternoon on the water practicing a sport at which she was an absolute novice had made her particularly sleepy. But Mike was easy to talk to, and funny to boot. And when she told him she was going to turn in early he didn’t mind one bit.

“It might earn me a pretty harsh rebuke from Francine but I don’t care,” he said as he held his glass of wine and clinked it against hers.

“Rebuke? Why?”

“The whole idea of this dinner is that it ends in a win for Team Seducers,” he said with a grin. “And it would earn me a pretty hefty bonus.”

“This show is really immoral on so many levels,” said Odelia, a little disgusted. “They’re actually paying you money if you manage to get into bed with me?”

“There’s a bonus system,” he explained. “First base nets us a cool hundred, second base two hundred, and so on and so forth. It’s pretty elaborate.”

“How much for nookie?” she asked.

“A thousand. Two for a repeat performance and another two for every night after that. So you see, it adds up.”

“That’s pretty sick,” she said, shaking her head. “Like legalized prostitution.”

“Yeah, if I’d known about it I probably wouldn’t have signed up. Problem is, they don’t tell you from the beginning. They only let you in on the bonus system once you’re already here and fully committed. It’s tough to walk out if you’ve gone to all the trouble of putting your life on hold for the duration of the show.”

“Well, I’m very sorry, Mike,” said Odelia. “But you’re not going to win anything by going after me. Not one cent, I’m afraid.”

“And like I said, that’s perfectly fine with me. I’m not here to cash in. Besides, I don’t want to lose the respect of my girl. She’ll be watching this and so will her family, and mine. Do you want a refill?” He leaned over to grab the bottle, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, two furry fiends came flying, and attached themselves to Mike. One furry fiend jumped on top of his head, while the other hit his chest like a cannonball.

Uttering a loud scream, Mike toppled over and fell to the floor.

“Max! Dooley!” Odelia cried, springing to her feet. “Get off him!”

“But he’s trying to kiss you!” Max yelled, seated on the unfortunate seducer’s chest.

“He wasn’t. Now get off!”

They did as they were told, and Odelia helped Mike to his feet. He looked more startled than hurt, though his nose was bleeding where apparently Dooley had bitten him.

“What was that?!” he yelped.

“My cats. They must have thought you were trying to, um… Well, they’re very protective.”

“They’re crazy!” he squealed, checking his chest for puncture marks. “Crazy cats!”

And with these words, he walked off, a little unsteadily.

“I’m sorry!” she yelled after him, but he was mumbling to himself under his breath.

“We thought he was moving in for a kiss,” Max explained.

She sat down and arched an eyebrow in her cat’s direction. “I guess I should praise myself lucky that you never took a dislike to Chase. You might have killed him.”

“We would never attack Chase,” said Dooley earnestly. “We like Chase. Chase is great.”

In spite of the ruinous ending to her evening, she smiled. “Your intentions were good, but next time please don’t attack my dates.”

“There will be others?” asked Max, startled.

“After this? Probably not.”

Members of the production team came running now. They must have seen everything on their monitors. In the distance she could see Mike receiving first aid, and Kimmy was by her side, fussing over her and asking if she was all right.

“Did you get all of that on tape?” asked Odelia.

Kimmy grinned. “Oh, yeah. I have a feeling your cats are going to be pretty famous after this.”

“You hear that, guys?” asked Odelia. “You’re going to be famous. They’ll turn you into memes.”

Dooley’s eyes went wide. “But I don’t want to be turned into memes! I want to live!”

Chapter 29

Over on Koh Phangan, the men’s island, things weren’t progressing quite as Harriet had anticipated. She’d hoped to get a lot of screen time, and had positioned herself in the picture as much as felinely possible.

While the men were frolicking in the pool with the seductresses, she’d stuck close to the cameramen, but they’d roundly ignored her attempts to strut her stuff. One had even had the gall to kick in her direction and utter the one cry cats hate more than anything: ‘Shoo!’