Megan Abbott - Mississippi Noir

“What’s this fella’s name?” Nana asked, still looking disappointed.

“Derek Ross. He’s a teacher at my school.”

“Humph.”

“I really like him, Nana. I like him more than anybody I’ve liked in a long time.” It felt good to talk about Derek to her grandmother. To finally be out in the open with her feelings for him, even if she couldn’t tell her everything. But even her sister didn’t know he was married or how much she actually cared about him.

“Humph. Regina, go get me a shake. I’m getting thirsty.”

They watched Regina leave the room before Jada spoke again.

“Nana, you would really like him, if—”

“Hush, child. I see the crazy way yo’ face is lightin’ up just talkin’ about this white boy. Get that anniversary necklace out my jewelry box.”

A little peeved that Nana had interrupted her and said she looked crazy on top of it, she went to the jewelry box and retrieved the necklace her grandmother used to wear only on special occasions — sterling silver with a medium-sized mother-of-pearl teardrop dangling at the end. Nana had polished it once a week ever since her husband had given it to her on their twentieth wedding anniversary. He saved a year to buy it. The chain was now dull, more evidence of her grandmother’s failing health.

“Take it.”

“Nana?”

“Take it. I know I probably should give it to your sister since she’s the oldest, but I think you need it. It’s not a diamond necklace, not even pearl, but it cost your grandfather a full year of workin’ at the plant and fixin’ cars to get it for me. White folks threatened to fire him at the plant when they found out he was working at the car shop on the weekends, so he started just fixin’ cars at our house. He didn’t give up where he was going for them.”

“Don’t worry, Nana. I never let these men get in my head.”

“Humph. Put it on.” Nana watched as Jada clasped it behind her neck. “Don’t you give up too much for this white boy. Your grandfather worked that year, made that sacrifice because he loved me. Now, you wear it and remember, don’t settle for anything less than a love that will sacrifice for you. Don’t lose yourself.”

“Of course, Nana. You know Gina is going to be mad you gave me this necklace instead of her.”

“I’ll deal with Gina. Pull this cover up on me. I need to get some sleep.”

The visit with Nana lingered in her mind Monday morning when Jada entered the school building wearing the necklace. She was not as concerned about Nana’s health — she felt better about that — as she was about her grandmother’s advice to her. She knew she was in deeper with Derek than she had been with any man in a long time, but she certainly wasn’t in any danger of losing herself, whatever that meant. She knew Derek would never leave his wife. She didn’t expect him to, like silly mistresses did. Their arrangement was solid, secure. She enjoyed being with him, he enjoyed being with her. Except for the occasional annoying demands on his time, his marriage was a good insurance policy, Jada thought. It meant no surprises.

She refrained from her routine second-period visit to Derek’s classroom in an effort to prove something. She would wait and let him come to her. But by lunch he had not come by, so she went to his room. That’s when she discovered he had a substitute teacher; he hadn’t even come to work. She tried texting him, sending an innocuous message about school in case she read his messages, but he didn’t respond.

On Tuesday, he did come to her classroom between classes. Emerging from the wave of kids filing out of her room, he was like a merking — tall, powerful, and beautiful. His full, blond-streaked, light-brown hair flowed against the wind of people moving past him. It highlighted his strong cheekbones and square jawline underneath tanned skin.

Jada exhaled at his beauty. “Hey, stranger. Where were you yesterday?” She smiled as she silently willed her last student out of her classroom.

Derek glanced around, noticing the slow-moving girl. He looked back at Jada with a pensive expression. “I was, uh, at the doctor’s office.”

“Are you okay?” Jada asked, sounding too alarmed even to herself.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Um, I, uh, just came by to say hi. I’ll see you at lunch, okay?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Derek nodded and walked out, leaving even before Jada’s student.

He was acting strangely. He seemed distracted and cagey. Jada didn’t like it, especially after not seeing him on Monday. Maybe he was really sick. He hadn’t said anything about feeling bad. Of course, he hadn’t told her he was going to see a doctor either. Maybe it was just a routine visit. He looked healthy enough, Jada thought, calling up the excitement of seeing him walk through her door.

By lunchtime, she was vacillating between worry and calm, finally deciding he was fine. She was on her way to meet him in the lounge when he appeared in her door.

“Are you walking me to the lounge? Did you want to carry my books?”

Derek did not return her smile. He closed the door. “We need to talk.”

“Something is wrong with you!” she gasped, and sat back down in her chair behind her desk.

“No, I’m fine. I went to the doctor yesterday with my wife. She’s pregnant.”

“What?”

He smiled. “Sixteen weeks.”

Jada felt like someone had dropped a lead baseball into the bottom of her stomach. She wondered if she were heavy enough to fall through the floor and if that was the meaning of “floored.”

“Aren’t you going to say something?” Derek prompted after a few moments of silence.

“Congratulations.”

“Thanks. I’ve been reluctant to go to her doctor visits with her because, you know, I wasn’t really ready for kids. I deal with these monsters all day; I didn’t want to go home to my own. I like my peace and quiet, you know.” He came over and sat in the student desk beside her desk. “But I went yesterday and Jada, it was amazing. I heard the heartbeat and then I saw him on the sonogram.”

“It’s a boy?” she managed to get out.

“It’s too soon to really tell, but I know we’re having a boy. I feel it.” His face was bright and excited. He looked like a little boy himself.

Jada loved him even more in this moment, which made that lead ball expand. It consumed the whole lower half of her body.

“Can you imagine me as a father?”

She had imagined it a hundred times — to her kids. “You’re good with the students. They like you.”

He nodded solemnly and reached for Jada’s hand. “I think, with the kid coming and all, that I need to do better by my family. We have to stop what we’re doing.”

Jada lost all feeling in her body. She slid forward out of her chair, unable to hold herself upright. Had Derek not been holding her hand, she would have been on the floor, hitting the back of her desk with her face on the way down.

“What?”

“You know I love being with you. What we do together...” He rubbed her arm, but Jada could not feel it. “And I really care about you, but I’m about to have a kid. I have to be more responsible.”

“What?”

“We both said this was just a hook-up in the first place. I’ll admit that it became a little more than that.” He lifted her hand and kissed the palm. She didn’t feel that either.

“So, we’re done, just like that?”

He looked at her longingly. “It has to be. I have a son.”

“Not yet,” she whispered. “It doesn’t have to end yet.”

Derek stood up, walked behind Jada, and kissed her neck. Gently, he lifted her from her chair. She let him. He wrapped his arms around her, and she leaned into him, feeling something like a tornado victim. Before her eyes, her home, her way of life, her being seemed to be uprooted, swirled in the air, and thrown somewhere she couldn’t see. She grabbed Derek and held on so she wouldn’t blow away too.