Jasper Fforde - The Eyre Affair

My car slid on and on. The motorway had been replaced by a swirling mass of light and colour that had no meaning to either of us. Occasionally a coherent image would emerge from the murk and on several occasions we thought we had arrived back in a stable time, but were soon whisked back into the vortex, the typhoon raging in our ears. The first occasion was on a road somewhere in the Home Counties. It looked like winter, and ahead of us a lime-green Austin Allegro estate pulled out from a slip road. I swerved and drove past at great speed, sounding my horn angrily. That image collapsed abruptly and fragmented itself into the dirty hold of a ship. The car was wedged between two packing cases, the closest of which was bound for Shanghai. The howl of the vortex had diminished, but we could hear a new roar, the roar of a storm at sea. The ship wallowed and Bowden and I looked at one another, unsure as to whether this was the end of the journey or not. The roaring sound grew as the dank hold folded back into itself and vanished, only to be replaced by a white hospital ward. The tempest subsided, the car’s engine ticking over happily. In the only occupied bed there was a drowsy and confused woman with her arm in a sling. I knew what I had to say.

‘Thursday—!’ I shouted excitedly.

The woman in the bed frowned. She looked across at Bowden, who waved back cheerily.

‘He didn’t die!’ I continued, saying now what I knew to be the truth. I could hear the tempest starting to howl again. It wouldn’t be long before we were taken away.

‘The car crash was a blind! Men like Acheron don’t die that easily! Take the LiteraTec job in Swindon!’

The woman in the bed just had time to repeat my last word before the ceiling and floor opened up and we plummeted back into the maelstrom. After a dazzling display of colourful noise and loud light, the vortex slid back to be replaced by the parking lot of a motorway services somewhere. The tempest slowed and stopped.

‘Is this it?’ asked Bowden.

‘I don’t know.’

It was night and the streetlamps cast an orange glow over the parking lot, the roadway shiny from recent rain. A car pulled in next to us; it was a large Pontiac containing a family. The wife was berating her husband for falling asleep at the wheel and the children were crying. It looked like it had been a near-miss.

‘Excuse me!’ I yelled. The man wound down his window.

‘Yes?’

‘What’s the date?’

The date?’

‘It’s 18 July,’ replied the man’s wife, shooting him and me an annoyed glance.

I thanked her and turned back to Bowden.

‘We’re three weeks in the past?’ he queried.

‘Or fifty-six weeks into the future.’

‘Or one hundred and eight.’

‘I’m going to find out where we are.’

I turned off the ignition and got out. Bowden joined me as we walked towards the cafeteria. Beyond the building we could see the motorway, and beyond that the connecting bridge to the services on the opposite carriageway.

Several tow trucks drove past us with empty cars hitched to the back of them.

‘Something’s not right.’

‘I agree,’ replied Bowden. ‘But what?’

Suddenly, the doors to the cafeteria burst open and a woman pushed her way out. She was carrying a gun and pushing a man in front of her, who stumbled as they hurried out. Bowden pulled me behind a parked van. We peered cautiously out and saw that the woman had unwelcome company; several men had appeared seemingly from nowhere and all of them were armed.

‘What the—?’ I whispered, suddenly realising what was happening. ‘That’s me!’

And so it was. I looked slightly older but it was definitely me. Bowden had noticed too.

Tm not sure I like what you’ve done with your hair.’

‘You prefer it long?’

‘Of course.’

We watched as one of the three men told the other me to drop her gun. I-me-she said something we couldn’t hear and then put her gun down, releasing her hold on the man, who was then grabbed roughly by one of the other men.

‘What’s going on?’ I asked, thoroughly confused.

‘We’ve got to go!’ replied Bowden.

‘And leave me like this?’

‘Look.’

He pointed at the car. It was shaking slightly as a localised gust of wind seemed to batter it.

‘I can’t leave her—me—in this predicament!’

But Bowden was pulling me towards the car, which was rocking more violently and starting to fade.

‘Wait!’

I struggled free, pulled out my automatic and hid it behind one of the wheels of the nearest car, then ran after Bowden and leaped into the back of the Speedster. I was just in time. There was a bright flash and a peal of thunder and then silence. I opened an eye. It was daylight. I looked at Bowden, who had made it into the driver’s seat. The motorway services carpark had vanished and in its place was a quiet country lane. The journey was over.

‘You all right?’ I asked.

Bowden felt the three-day stubble that had inexplicably grown on his chin.

‘I think so. How about you?’

‘As well as can be expected.’

I checked my shoulder holster. It was empty.

‘I’m bursting for a pee, though. I feel like I haven’t gone for a week.’

Bowden made a pained expression and nodded.

‘I think I could say the same.’

I nipped behind a wall. Bowden walked stiffly across to the other side of the road and relieved himself in the hedge.

‘Where do you suppose we are?’ I shouted to Bowden from behind the wall. ‘Or more to the point, when?’

‘Car twenty-eight,’ crackled the wireless, ‘come in please.’

‘Who knows?’ called out Bowden over his shoulder. ‘But if you want to try that again you can do it with someone else.’

Much relieved, we reconvened at the car. It was a beautiful day, dry and quite warm. The smell of haymaking was in the air, and in the distance we could hear a tractor lumbering across a field.

‘What was all that motorway services thing about?’ asked Bowden. ‘Last Thursday or next Thursday?’

I shrugged.

‘Don’t ask me to explain. I just hope I got out of that jam. Those guys didn’t look as though they were out collecting for the church fund.’

‘You’ll find out.’

‘I guess. I wonder who that man was I was trying to protect?’

‘Search me.’

I sat on the bonnet and donned a pair of dark glasses. Bowden walked to a gate and looked over. In a dip in the valley was a village built of grey stone, and in the field a herd of cows was grazing peacefully.

Bowden pointed to a milestone he had found.

‘That’s a spot of luck.’

The milestone told him we were six miles from Haworth.

I wasn’t listening to him. I was now puzzling over seeing myself in the hospital bed. If I hadn’t seen myself I wouldn’t have gone to Swindon and if I hadn’t gone to Swindon I wouldn’t have been able to warn myself to go there. Doubtless it would make complete sense to my father, but I might well go nuts trying to figure it out.

‘Car Twenty-Eight,’ said the wireless, ‘come in please.’

I stopped thinking about it and checked the position of the sun.

‘It’s about midday, I’d say.’

Bowden nodded agreement.

‘Aren’t we Car Twenty-Eight?’ he asked, frowning slightly. I picked up the mike.

‘Car Twenty-Eight, go ahead.’

‘At last!’ sounded a relieved voice over the speaker. ‘I have Colonel Rutter of the ChronoGuard who wants to speak to you.’

Bowden walked over so he could hear better. We looked at each other, unsure of what was going to happen next; a chastisement or a heap of congratulations, or, as it turned out, both.

‘Officers Next and Cable. Can you hear me?’ said a deep voice over the wireless.