Dorothy Sayers - Busman’s Honeymoon

‘Hens have peevish faces. By the way, I’m not sure you weren’t right before dinner. On principle, it’s the proper thing to give Kirk information, but I wish one knew how he was going to use it. If once he gets a fixed idea-’

‘There’s someone at the door. If that’s Kirk, we’ll have to make up our minds.’ Bunter entered, bringing with him the fragrance-but only the fragrance-of sage and onion.

‘My lord, there is an individual-’

‘Oh, send him away. I can’t stand any more individuals.’

‘My lord-’

‘We’re at dinner. Send him away. Tell him to call again later.’

There was the noise of swift steps on the gravel outside; and at the same moment a stout, elderly Hebrew burst into the room.

‘Very thorry to intrude,’ said this gentleman, in a breathless and hasty manner. ‘No wish to cause inconvenience. I,’ he added helpfully, ‘am Moss & Isaacs-’

‘You were wrong, Bunter. It’s not an individual-it’s a company.’

‘-and here in my hand I have’

‘Bunter; take the company’s hat.’

‘Very thorry,’ said the company, whose failure to uncover seemed due rather to oblivion than to want of natural courtesy. ‘No intention to offend. But I have here a bill of thale on the furniture in this house, and I have run-’

A thunderous knocking on the door caused him to fling up despairing hands. Bunter hurried out.

‘A bill of sale?’ cried Harriet. The intruder turned eagerly to her:

‘For a debt of theventy-three, thickteeh, thickth,’ he said, emotion choking his speech-’and I have run all the way from the buth-thtop-all the way-and there ith a man-’

He was right; there was a man. He pushed his way past Bunter, crying out in reproachful tones: ‘Mr Solomons, Mr Solomons! that’s not fair. Everything in this house is the property of my clients, and the executrix has agreed-’

‘Good evening, Mr MacBride,’ said the master of the house, politely.

‘I can’t help that,’ said Mr Solomons, his voice drowning Mr MacBride’s reply. He mopped his forehead with his handkerchief. ‘We hold a bill of sale on the furniture-look at the date on this document.’

Mr MacBride said firmly:

‘Ours has been running five years.’

‘I don’t care,’ retorted Mr Solomons, ‘if it’s been running as long as Charley’s Aunt !’

‘Gentlemen, gentlemen!’ said Peter, in conciliatory accents, ‘cannot this matter be amicably arranged?’

‘Our van,’ said Mr Solomons, ‘will call for the goods tomorrow.’

‘Our clients’ van,’ replied Mr MacBride, ‘is on the way NOW.’

Mr Solomons uttered a loud expostulatory howl, and Peter tried again:

‘I implore you, gentlemen, have some consideration for my wife, if not for me. We are in the middle of dinner, and you propose to remove the table and chairs. We have to sleep-will you not leave us so much as a bed to lie on? We also, if it comes to that, have some claim upon the furniture, since we hired it. Pray do not be so precipitate… Mr MacBride, you have known us long and (I hope) loved us well-you will, I am sure, have compassion on our nerves and feelings, and not turn us out dinnerless to sleep under the nearest haystack.’

‘My lord,’ said Mr MacBride, somewhat moved by this appeal, but conscious of his duty, ‘in the interests of our clients-’

‘In the interests of our firm,’ said Mr Solomons.

‘In all our interests,’ said Peter, ‘will you not sit down and share our roast duck with apple sauce and sage and onion stuffing? You, Mr Solomons, have run fast and far-your strength needs sustaining. You, Mr MacBride, spoke feelingly yesterday morning about our English family life will you not for once consent to see it at its best? Do not break up the happy home! Over a slice of the breast and a glass of the best any little differences may be adjusted.’

‘Yes, indeed,’ said Harriet. ‘Do join us. Bunter will break his heart if the bird gets dried up in the oven.’

Mr MacBride hesitated. ‘It’s very good of you,’ began Mr Solomons, wistfully. ‘If your ladyship-’

‘No, no, Solly,’ said Mr MacBride, ‘it ain’t fair.’

‘My dear,’ said Peter, with a polite inclination, ‘you know very well that it is a husband’s incurable habit to invite his business friends to dine under any circumstances and on the shortest possible notice. Without that habit, home life would not be what it is. Therefore I make no apology.’

‘Of course not,’ said Harriet. ‘Bunter, these gentlemen will dine with us.’

‘Very good, my lady.’ He laid dexterous hands on Mr Solomons and relieved him of his overcoat. ‘Allow me.’

Mr MacBride, without further argument, valeted himself and then helped Peter to bring two more chairs to the table, observing as he did so: ‘I don’t know what you advanced on these, Solly, but they weren’t worth it.’

‘So far as we are concerned,’ said Peter, ‘you may have the whole lot tomorrow and welcome. Now-are we all quite comfortable? Mr Solomons on the right, Mr MacBride on the left. Bunter-the claret!’

Mr Solomons and Mr MacBride, mellow with Leoville and cigars, departed fraternally at a quarter to ten, having previously made a brief tour of the house, so as to check their inventories together. Peter, who had accompanied them in order to establish his right to his own belongings, returned, bearing in his hand one of the little straw wig-warns in which wine-bottles are housed while travelling.

‘What’s that for, Peter?’

‘Me,’ said his lordship. He detached the straws methodically, one by one, and began to thread them through his hair. He had succeeded in making a very passable bird’s-nest of himself when Superintendent Kirk was announced.

‘Good evening, Mr Kirk,’ said Harriet, with as much warmth of welcome as she could put into the words.

‘Good evening,’ said the Superintendent. ‘I’m afraid I’m intruding.’ He looked at Peter, who made a horrible face at him. ‘It’s a bit late for a call.’

‘This,’ said Peter, wildly, ‘is the foul fiend Flibbertigibbet: he begins at Curfew and walks till the first cock. Have a straw. Superintendent. You’ll need one before you’ve finished.’

‘Have nothing of the sort.’ said Harriet. ‘You look tired. Have a glass of beer or some whisky or something and don’t mind my husband. He sometimes gets taken that way.’

The Superintendent thanked her absent-mindedly; he seemed to be in travail with an idea. He slowly opened his mouth, and looked at Peter again.

‘Sit down, sit down,’ said the latter, hospitably. I’ll talk a word with this same learned Theban.’

‘Got it!’ cried Mr Kirk. ‘ King Lear !

Though their injunction be to bar my doors

And let this tyrannous night take hold upon you.

Yet have I ventur’d to come seek you out.’

‘You’re very nearly right about that,’ said Harriet. ‘We really thought we were going to be turned out into the tyrannous night. Hence the distraction and the straws.’

Mr Kirk inquired how this might be.

‘Well,’ said Harriet, installing him on one of the settles, ‘there’s a Mr Solomons, of Moss & Isaacs, who holds a bill, of sale on the furniture, and your old friend Mr MacBride, who wants to distrain on the furniture for his writ, and they both came in together to take the furniture away. But we gave them dinner and they went peaceably.’

‘You may ask,’ added Peter, ‘why they rather choose to have a weight of carrion flesh than to receive three thousand ducats. I cannot tell you, but so it was.’

Mr Kirk paused so long this time that both Peter and Harriet thought he must have become stricken with aphasia; but at last, and with a wide smile of triumph, he gave tongue: ‘He is well paid that is well satisfied! Merchant of Venice !’