Dorothy Sayers - Strong Poison

“Taking the long view, I am not. Personally, I need not say that I am extremely grieved, and feel quite positive that there is some mistake.”

“That’s my idea,” said Wimsey.

“From what I know of your lordship, I may say that your interest and assistance are the best stroke of luck Miss Vane could have had.”

“Oh, thanks – thanks very much. I say – this arsenic book – you couldn’t let me have a squint at it, I suppose?”

“Certainly, if it would help you.” He touched a bell. “Miss Warburton, bring me a set of galleys of Death in the Pot. Trufoot’s are pushing publication on as fast as possible. The book was still unfinished when the arrest took place. With rare energy and courage, Miss Vane has put the finishing touches and corrected the proofs herself. Of course, everything had to go through the hands of the prison authorities. However, we were anxious to conceal nothing. She certainly knows all about arsenic, poor girl. These are complete, are they, Miss Warburton? Here you are. Is there anything else?”

“Only one thing. What do you think of Messrs. Grimsby & Cole?”

“I never contemplate them,” said Mr. Challoner. “Not thinking of doing anything with them, are you, Lord Peter?”

“Well, I don’t know that I am – seriously.”

“If you do, read your contract carefully. I won’t say, bring it to us -”

“If ever I do publish with Grimsby & Cole,” said Lord Peter, “I’ll promise to do it through you.”

Lord Peter Wimsey almost bounced into Holloway Prison next morning. Harriet Vane greeted him with a kind of rueful smile.

“So you’ve reappeared?”

“Good lord, yes! Surely you expected me to. I fancied I’d left that impression. I say – I’ve thought of a good plot for a detective story.”

“Really?”

“Top-hole. You know, the sort people bring out and say, ‘I’ve often thought of doing it myself, if I could only find time to sit down and write it.’ I gather that sitting down is all that is necessary for producing masterpieces. Just a moment, though. I must get through my business first. Let me see -” He made believe to consult a notebook. “Ah, yes. Do you happen to know whether Philip Boyes made a will?”

“I believe he did, when we were living together.”

“In whose favour?”

“Oh, in mine. Not that he had much to leave, poor man. It was chiefly that he wanted a literary executor.”

“Are you, in point of fact, his executrix now?”

“Good heavens! I never thought of that. I took it for granted he would have altered it when we parted. I think he must have, or I should have heard about it when he died, shouldn’t I?”

She looked candidly at him, and Wimsey felt a little uncomfortable.

“You didn’t know he had altered it, then? Before he died, I mean?”

“I never thought a word more about it, as a matter of fact. If I had thought – of course I should have assumed it. Why?”

“Nothing,” said Wimsey. “Only I’m rather glad the will wasn’t brought up at the thingummy bob.”

“Meaning the trial? You needn’t be so delicate about mentioning it. You mean, if I had thought I was still his heir, I might have murdered him for his money. But it didn’t amount to a hill of beans, you know. I was making four times as much as he was.”

“Oh, yes. It was only this silly plot I’d got in my mind. But it is rather silly, now I come to think of it.”

“Tell me.”

“Well, you see -” Wimsey choked a little, and then rattled his idea out with an exaggerated lightness.

“Well – it’s about a girl (or a man would do, but we’ll call it a girl) who writes novels – crime stories, in fact. And she has a – a friend who also writes. Neither of them best-sellers, you see, but just ordinary novelists.”

“Yes? That’s a kind of thing that might happen.”

“And the friend makes a will, leaving his money – receipts for books and so on – to the girl.”

“I see.”

“And the girl – who has got rather fed up with him, you know, thinks of a grand scoop, that will make both of them bestsellers.”

“Oh, yes?”

“Yes. She polishes him off by the same method she had used in her latest crime thriller.”

“A daring stroke,” said Miss Vane, with grave approval.

“Yes. And of course, his books immediately become best-sellers. And she grabs the pool.”

“That’s really ingenious. An entirely new motive for murder – the thing I’ve been looking for for years. But don’t you think it would be a little dangerous? She might even be suspected of murder.”

“Then her books would become bestsellers, too.”

“How true that is! But possibly she wouldn’t live to enjoy the profits.”

“That, of course,” said Wimsey, “is the snag.”

“Because, unless she were suspected and arrested and tried, the scoop would only half come off.”

“There you are,” said Wimsey. “But, as an experienced mystery-monger, couldn’t you think of a way round that?”

“I daresay. She might prove an ingenious alibi, for instance. Or, if she were very wicked, manage to push the blame on somebody else. Or lead people to suppose that her friend had made away with himself.”

“Too vague,” said Wimsey. “How would she do that?”

“I can’t say, off-hand. I’ll give it careful thought and let you know. Or – here’s an idea!”

“Yes?”

“She is a person with a monomania – no, no – not a homicidal one. That’s dull, and not really fair to the reader. But there is somebody she wishes to benefit – somebody, say a father, mother, sister, lover or cause, that badly needs money. She makes a will in his, her or its favour, and lets herself be hanged for the crime, knowing that the beloved object will then come in for the money. How’s that?”

“Great!” cried Wimsey, carried away. Only – wait a minute. They wouldn’t give her the friend’s money, would they? You’re not allowed to profit by a crime.”

“Oh, hang! That’s true. It would only be her own money, then. She could make that over by a deed of gift. Yes – look! If she did that immediately after the murder – a deed of gift of everything she possessed – that would include everything she came into under the friend’s will. It would then all go direct to the beloved object, and I don’t believe the law could stop it!”

She faced him with dancing eyes.

“See here,” said Wimsey. “You’re not safe. You’re too clever by half. But, I say, it’s a good plot, isn’t it?”

“It’s a winner! Shall we write it?”

“By Jove, let’s!”

“Only, you know, I’m afraid we shan’t get the chance.”

“You’re not to say that. Of course we’re going to write it. Damn it, what am I here for? Even if I could be reconciled to losing you, I couldn’t lose the chance of writing my best-seller!”

“But what you’ve done so far is to provide me with a very convincing motive for murder. I don’t know that that’s going to help us a great lot.”

“What I’ve done,” said Wimsey, “is to prove that that was not the motive, anyway.”

“Why?”

“You wouldn’t have told me if it had been. You would have gently led me away from the subject. And besides -”

“Well?”

“Well, I’ve seen Mr. Cole of Grimsby & Cole, and I know who is going to get the major part of Philip Boyes’ profits. And I don’t somehow fancy that he is the beloved object.”

“No?” said Miss Vane, “and why not? Don’t you know that I passionately dote on every chin on his face?”

“If it’s chins you admire,” said Wimsey, “I will try to grow some, though it will be rather hard work. Anyway, keep smiling – it suits you.”