Ian Sansom - The Bad Book Affair

“I don’t know,” said Lyndsay.

“There you are,” said Israel.

“I just…am. It’s just like…a state of mind.”

“Well, that’s me being a librarian,” said Israel.

“It’s a state of mind?”

“Something like that.”

“People think being a Goth is just, you know, Morticia Addams fashion,” said Lyndsay.

“But it’s not?”

“Not at all. It’s about experiencing the world in a more intense way.”

“Right. I spoke to Adam Burns, as well.”

“From Kerugma? Did you?”

“Yes.”

“You’ve been stalking me, then, basically?”

“No,” said Israel. “I’ve been trying to find you.”

“Why?”

Israel thought this probably not the moment to explain about Veronica and the police.

“Just. Doing a good turn, I suppose.”

“I do love it here,” said Lyndsay. There was a clap of thunder as they approached the cottage, and the first fat rain drops began falling. Israel could see Ted in the distance.

“It is beautiful,” agreed Israel.

“I used to come here with my mother when I was young, when my dad was too busy working.”

“What’s that over there?” asked Israel, pointing to something shimmering in the distance.

“That’s the Trassey River,” said Lyndsay.

“Right.”

“And that,” she said. “You see there, between the two peaks?”

“Yes.”

“That’s the Hare’s Gap.”

“Right.”

“And there’s a path there called the Brandy Pad, where people used to smuggle stuff.”

“Wow.”

“And there’s Clonachullion Hill there, and the Spellack cliffs.”

“You really know your stuff,” said Israel.

“I guess.”

“You’re very lucky.”

“Yes,” agreed Lyndsay. “I suppose I am.”

They reached the cottage.

“Well, well,” said Ted, as they approached. “By the seven secrets of the Ballymena coach builders! If it’s not our missing young lady.”

“Hi, Ted,” said Lyndsay.

“How are ye?” said Ted.

“Fine,” said Lyndsay.

“We takin’ ye home, then?”

“Yeah.”

“We should ring her parents and let them know,” said Israel. “They’re worried sick.”

“No,” said Ted. “Let’s ring later.”

“Why?”

“There’s no reception here, you’ll not get through.”

“But weren’t you just on your-” began Israel.

“No reception,” said Ted. “Quicker we get back in this weather the better.”

After Lyndsay had gathered her things from the cottage, they climbed into the van and began the long, rain-soaked drive back to Tumdrum, Ted and Israel up front, Lyndsay perched on the children’s book trough behind them.

“What are we going to do about this little lady, then?” said Ted as they accelerated through the torrential rain up the A24 toward the north coast.

“Get her back to where she belongs,” said Israel. “Reunite her.”

“Hmmm,” said Ted.

“What?” said Israel.

“I think you owe us an explanation first, young lady, don’t ye?” said Ted.

“I just had to get away,” said Lyndsay.

“Aye,” said Ted. “Why was that, then?”

“The place was doing my head in.”

“Ye’d be better off telling us the truth, ye know.”

“That is the truth,” said Lyndsay.

“The actual truth,” said Ted.

“That is the truth, Ted,” said Israel, turning around and looking at Lyndsay. “Isn’t it?”

“The actual truth?” said Ted.

“Yes,” said Lyndsay.

“Ye pitched up down at the cottage all by yerself, did ye?” said Ted.

“Yes.”

“Get a lift?”

“No,” said Lyndsay. “I got the bus to Newcastle, and then just walked up to the cottage-”

“And no one knew you were there?”

“No.”

“You haven’t seen a soul?”

“No.”

“Funny that,” said Ted. “Because there were fresh tire marks on the gravel up at the cottage there.”

“Were there?”

“Mercedes-type tire marks, if I’m not mistaken.”

“How can you tell-” began Israel.

“I don’t know who that could have been…” said Lyndsay.

“No?” said Ted. “Who do we know who drives a Mercedes?”

“Lots of people,” said Lyndsay.

“Including your da?”

“Well…”

“Hold on,” said Israel. “Do you mean Maurice Morris has already been down here looking for her?”

“No,” said Ted.

“No!” agreed Lyndsay.

“I don’t think he’s been down here looking for her,” said Ted.

“Right,” said Israel, confused.

“Because he wouldn’t need to look for her, would he? He knew full well that she was here all along. Didn’t he, Lyndsay?

Israel looked into the rearview mirror and could see that Lyndsay was looking shamefaced.

“No?” said Israel.

Lyndsay wiped away a tear.

“Steady on,” said Israel. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that our little Miss Runaway here was in caboots-”

“Cahoots?”

“Exactly. With her father.”

“No!” said Israel. “That’s ridiculous. That can’t be right. That’s not right, is it?”

“Yes,” said Lyndsay, from the children’s book trough. “It’s true. I’m sorry…”

“But you told me you’d run away!” Israel protested.

“Do you believe everything everyone tells you?” said Ted.

“No,” said Israel. “But…if he knew she was here, why didn’t he bring her back?”

“I think we’d best ask Lyndsay that one, hadn’t we?”

“Lyndsay?” said Israel, turning round to face her.

“Sorry,” she said between sobs.

“Best to tell the truth,” said Ted.

“Yes!” said Israel rather more forcefully than was necessary. “Tell us the truth!”

Ted slapped him round the head.

“We’re not the KGT.”

“KGB,” said Israel.

“Or them,” agreed Ted. “In your own time, my dear.”

Lyndsay wiped her eyes.

“My dad asked me to come down here,” she said.

“Why?” said Israel.

“He wanted the publicity.”

“What?”

“He thought it would get him the sympathy vote. In the election. After the way he’d treated Mum, everyone hated him. And he’d gone from being Mr. Popular to being…”

“A total scumbag,” said Ted.

“Yes.”

“Did your mum know about it as well?”

“No, no,” said Lyndsay. “She didn’t know. They don’t really get on anymore. They just argue at home. But I thought if Dad got elected again, things might-” And she started sobbing again.

“That’s all right, darling,” said Ted.

All three of them sat in silence as they drove through Ballynahinch.

“Well, now what?” said Israel.

“Please,” said Lyndsay, “you mustn’t tell anyone. If people find out-”

“If people find out yer da put you up to it, he’ll not be able to show his face in Tumdrum again,” said Ted. “And he’d lose the election, for sure.”

“Which wouldn’t be such a bad-” began Israel. “Sorry, Lyndsay.”

“It’s all right. I wouldn’t vote for him anyway,” said Lyndsay.

“But you were prepared to do all…this for him.”

“He’s my dad,” said Lyndsay.

“Well,” said Israel. “That’s…”

“Let’s listen to some Harry Potter, shall we?” said Ted.

“Which one is it?” said Lyndsay.

“Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone,” said Ted.

“Oh great.”

“Oh no,” said Israel.

“And we’ll have a little think for a bit,” said Ted.

Lyndsay eventually dozed off to Stephen Fry’s susurrations. And they were finally back on the coast road up to Tumdrum.

“She’s asleep,” said Ted.