Ian Sansom - The Delegates' Choice aka The Book Stops Here

'When did you teach yourself Polish?' said Israel, astonished.

'I haven't taught myself Polish, ye eejit. If you just listened a bit more rather than bletherin' on the whole time ye'd pick up things like that as well.'

'Polish!' said Israel. 'I'd pick up Polish?'

'Lovely dog!' enthused Alina, attempting to change the subject, tickling Muhammad under the chin. 'Anyway, on this vehicle, gentlemen, we are taking our inspiration very much from the glory days of travel and the cutting edge of technology.'

'Right,' said Israel, sceptically.

'You will see on entering,' said the woman, 'our light and airy cab area-'

'Another light and airy cab area!' said Israel.

'Sorry?' said Alina.

'Nothing,' said Israel.

'This light and airy cab area is fitted with all the latest technology. Wraparound dash-'

'Has it got sat nav?' said Israel.

'Sat nav obviously comes as standard.'

'Great,' said Israel. 'It's got sat nav, Ted.'

'I've never got lost,' said Ted.

'So we also have full wi-fi connectivity,' continued the woman.

'Great,' said Israel.

'So that customers wishing to use their own laptops can connect wirelessly. And also up front here, gents,' continued Alina, 'we have new very exciting peer-to-peer capability. This has been developed by us, and by Siemens, and BMW, and Deutsche-Telekom, and allows you to pass data on to other motorists, informing them of road traffic problems.'

'In Tumdrum?' said Ted.

'Where is this?' said the woman.

'In Ireland,' said Israel.

'Northern Ireland,' corrected Ted.

'Ah, I'm not sure if this technology is available yet in Ireland,' said the saleswoman. 'I shall check for you.'

'No, it's fine,' said Israel.

'We've seen enough,' said Ted.

'But the interior?' said the woman, gesturing towards the deep recesses of the van.

'Has it got shelves?' said Ted.

'Yes-'

'Good, that'll do then. Do widzenia,' said Ted.

'Na razie,' said the woman.

'Come on,' said Ted.

Israel hurried after Ted as he strode away from the vehicle.

'Ted! Ted! Hold up!'

'Lot of nonsense,' Ted was muttering. 'Peer collectivity.'

'Connectivity,' said Israel. 'Peer-to-peer. It's all Web 2.0 and…stuff. Anyway, I didn't know you spoke Polish. That's amazing.'

'Aye, well,' said Ted.

'You're full of surprises.'

'And ye're full of-'

'Right. Thank you. But seriously, what do you think of them so far?'

'Of what?'

'Of the new vehicles, of course.'

'Not a lot,' said Ted. 'They're not a patch on our van.'

'Oh, come on, Ted. There's no comparsion. And we're going to have to choose a new vehicle.'

'Not if we win the Concourse of Elégance.'

'Ted, we're not going to win the Concours D'Elégance. Certainly not in the state the van's in now.'

'Well…' Ted huffed.

'So you're just going to get used to the fact that we're going to have to choose a new vehicle.'

'I'll look at one more,' said Ted, 'but then that's it. I've had enough.'

'Fine,' said Israel.

They walked on to the next demonstration vehicle.

'Good afternoon, gentlemen,' intoned the salesman standing in the light and airy cab area. He was a man fat and bald enough to be described not unfairly as a fat and bald man. Israel and Ted automatically reached out for and were automatically given the obligatory thick glossy brochures.

'Who are ye, then?' said Ted.

'We're Access Engineering, based in Birmingham, and we call this our Double D, for obvious reasons.'

'It's a beer?' said Ted.

'No,' said the salesman. 'It's a double decker.'

'Is it, really?' said Israel. 'Brilliant. I didn't even notice outside. Can we go upstairs?'

'Upstairs?' said Ted. 'In a mobile library? God save us.'

'This is very much a new concept in mobile learning centres,' said the salesman, leading the way, tightly, up a narrow staircase. Ted and Israel followed. They emerged into a small room set out with half a dozen chairs and a projector screen.

'So this is the Double D conference and screening room, which is fully networked.'

'Wow,' said Israel. 'Couldn't you see us in one of these though, Ted. Eh? Tootling around Tumdrum?'

'This area can also be used as a café-' said the salesman.

'I told you some of these new models had cafés!' said Israel.

'Or alternatively as a multi-purpose break-out space.'

'A what?' said Ted.

'A training centre,' continued the salesman. 'Or perhaps as a dedicated children's area.'

'What, here?' said Ted.

'Yes,' said the salesman.

'Upstairs?'

'Yes.'

'How are all the mums going to get their buggies up and down the stairs?' said Ted.

'He's got a point,' said Israel.

'Thank you, gents,' said the salesman, spying other people coming up the stairs. 'Are you currently in the market for a new mobile vehicle?'

'Yes,' said Israel defensively. 'We are.'

'And how much do these cost?' asked Ted.

'This particular vehicle, gentlemen, which is the Double D number 3, at this sort of spec, starts at around one hundred and twenty thousand pounds.'

'How much?' said Ted.

'What's the budget Linda's working on?' said Israel.

'About a tenth of that,' said Ted.

'Thanks for your time, then, gentlemen,' said the salesman, realising that with Ted and Israel he was dealing with bona fide twenty-four-carat time-wasters. He ushered them briskly back towards the stairs.

'One more,' said Israel, as they stepped outside.

'Ye said the last one was the last one,' said Ted.

'Yes, but, you're enjoying it really, aren't you? Be honest?'

'No,' said Ted.

'Woof!' said Muhammad.

'All right,' said Ted.

'Hi!' said the salesman on the steps of the next vehicle. He wasn't wearing a suit or tie. He was wearing jeans, and sandals, and a T-shirt which read GREENOLOGY™.

'Hi,' said Israel.

'Hi,' repeated the T-shirted man. 'I'm Steve, from Greenology Coach Builders in Bristol.' Steve from Greenology Coach Builders in Bristol spoke with an inflection which made every statement sound like a question. 'We call this our EnviroMobile?'

'Would that be because it's environmentally friendly?' said Israel.

'Yes?' said Steve, inflectingly.

'Environmentally friendly?' said Ted. 'A thirty-foot mobile vehicle?'

'We're the country's first environmentally friendly coach builders? We're totally different from anyone else out there in the market at the moment? Come inside and see?' said Steve. 'You'll notice straightaway this light-'

'And airy cab area?' said Israel.

'That's right?' said Steve. 'Up above this light and airy cab area there are small roof-mounted solar panels, which obviously contribute to reducing your carbon footprint?'

Ted sighed.

'Every little helps,' said Israel.

'The vehicle runs on bio-fuel, obviously?' said Steve.

'We mostly run on red diesel,' said Ted.

'And this is an all-round low emission vehicle, without going all the way to a hybrid?'

'Great,' said Israel.

'And you'd have noticed from the outside that it's streamlined, to minimise fuel consumption, and that inside here we have a low allergy-risk interior?'

'Ugh,' said Ted.

'You okay?' said Steve.

'I feel sick,' said Ted. 'It must be the…what did ye call it?'

'Low allergy-risk interior?'

'That'd be it. Excuse me.'

'Ted!' said Israel, as they made their way back to the van.

'Hippies,' said Ted. 'Weirdoes. Conmen'

'They're only doing their job,' said Israel.

'Well, they can do their job with someone else,' said Ted. 'I'm not buying a new van from any of these shysters.'

'We don't say "shysters", Ted.'

'We don't?'

'No, of course we don't.'